Friday, January 13, 2012

When it rains, dreamers dance in it

Or in this case, we dance, kick, and splash.

Eventually.

Yesterday was rough.  No lies.  It was incredibly painful.  And scary.  And no one is out of the woods yet.

Wednesday night, I was being checked by my nurse after Sam went home.  He left before 9pm so he could be asleep by 10pm.  He had a job to complete.  As the nurse is checking me, she realizes that I have a huge bruise where around my incision and extending to my belly button and the sides.

She left, reasonably calmly and returned with a team.  Yes, a team of four nurses to check on my bruise.  They all agreed they had seen nothing like it previously.  To top it off, it was tender, like I had mentioned, and warm to the touch.

Something you should know about me...I don't complain.  If I mention something, assume it is a big deal.  My doctors have discovered this the hard way.  That's how I ended up in here Monday with the HELP syndrome.  My liver was shutting down.  My platelets were dropping.  My kidneys were questionable.  My blood pressure was soaring.  It was not my finest hour.

So, a call was made to the doctor, who promised to check me first thing in the morning.  Well, first thing in the morning came around 1pm.  It was then that i received news...good and bad.  Apparently the bruising is from the HELP syndrome.  With my low platelet count at the time of the surgery, I simply look really bruised.  It could take a month for that to heal.  And that was the good news.

The bad news is that I may have cancer. 

Yeah. when it rains it pours.  Apparently, when they sent my placenta away for examination, they also included some other suspicious looking uterine material.  I ended up getting a biopsy with no extra cutting.  Good, right?  Because it looks like I have a tumor or tumors.

The doctor kept saying that, kept beating around the bush until finally I just stopped her and confronted her.

me: So, we're talking about cancer here, right?

She hesitated, but she knows me and finally just came clean.

doctor: Yes.  Cancer.  But not the kind people die from.

me: How do you mean?

doctor: Well, we can treat it.  And we can do surgery.  It looks like it's all contained in the uterous.

I'm not sure how she could know that, since she didn't even know I had it until...yesterday.  Still, I have hope.  I couldn't really have cancer and a micro preemie who needs me...could I? 

No matter what, I can take it.  We'll be looking at the cancer more next week.  And we'll take it from there.  In the meantime, I have a baby who needs love and attention and healing.  I have a husband who is struggling to hold our life together while taking care of all of us.  I have a son who needs a normal life.  I have a lot to do, a lot to live for.

I can take a lesson from Kenna.  She just survived her central line insertion last night.  She's the smallest baby the doctor has ever performed this procedure on.  She defies the odds at every turn.  And she came from me.  I am blessed to have her.  She surprises all of us every day.

Time to find my happy and dance.

14 comments:

  1. I will keep praying for you. Don't claim that C word just yet, darlin. Keep dancing.

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  2. My heart sank when I read your other post and saw the c-word. My heart sank again after reading this. How could this be even remotely fair? I thought. But yes, I do see that silver lining you pointed out. Had things gone better, you might not have ever known. That doesn't mean I have to like this, but I know better than to think this way. You're one tough cookie, and you've overcome so much in your life. It just means you and Kenna have something extra to bond over -- you're both going to be fighting. Just remember what I said yesterday about Kenna's first Christmas later this year. I'm going to keep praying and requesting for everyone I know to pray for you and Kenna to beat your respective battles. We all love you both very much and want the best outcomes for both of you.

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    1. Meredith, thank you for all the love and support. So glad to have your friendship.

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  3. When (not if) I meet Sam he is going to get an extra big hug from me and an extra large cocktail. His way of looking at this is amazing. The universe is mysterious and it's clear you and Kenna are on the same team.

    xoxo

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    1. Lisa, when you meet, there will be lots of hugging and cocktails. I can't wait. Mwah!

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  4. Found my way here through T at Life as a Classroom. Sending good vibes and a prayer from Pittsburgh for you, Kenna and your family...

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  5. Sending you all the love and hope my heart holds, my friend.

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  6. Continued thoughts and prayers, Nicki.

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  7. A quick tip on bringing your children to the NICU. We had out 6 year old come meet her brother when he was just 3 days old. It scared the hell out of her. My cousin is a Child Life Specialist, and gave us a few really great tips, which we used, and it made the rest of her visits better:
    1. Tell them you will not take them to the hospital unless they ask. Kids want to please their parents, and if you ask them if they want to go, they will say yes to please you. Let them come to you. It will mean they are ready. It took a while after that first visit for her to want to go back- but she did- and her desire to visit became stronger and stronger.
    2. Set up a safe word. We told our daughter that if she was ready to leave- even if she had just gotten there, she just had to say the safe word, and we would leave. No questions asked. This really helped her feel safe and in control. The first few visits were short, but after that, she wanted to stay longer and longer.
    3. Bring paper, pencils, toys, movies, etc. Make sure they have something to do. Those little ones are scary- even to us adults!

    Of course, every kid is different, but this really helped us make our NICU stay easier on our daughter.

    Keep the positiveness going!

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  8. I just want to stamp my feet and scream NO! NO! NO! like a toddler. This is not fair.

    I understand this potential diagnosis all too well. I have been through it with friends and family and I am here to tell you that every one of them is here today!! (Except my Grandma due to old age.) So don't let it scare you!! You are just fine, even if it is the C word. You are still the same healthy woman you've always been. You will just deal with this and move on.

    I am actually having a hysterectomy in less than three weeks. Aren't uteruses a big pain in the butt!?!? Not saying you'll need the big "H" but just saying uterine issues? I haz them.

    You will be just fine. In a way, like you said, this whole thing was a crazy kind of blessing. Uterine cancer is quite SILENT until it becomes serious and even then it is not always detected in a pap. So if it turns out that is your diagnosis, this situation actually spared you some bigger issues down the road.

    I truly believe that this is the dark before the dawn and I belive when the dawn comes your life is going to be filled with beauty and sunshine. You deserve it so much!!

    I am thinking of you and your family and praying for you all.


    Also - please feel free to contact me if you ever wish to have a good ol' uterus discussion. I know too much; way, way too much and I'm not afraid to talk nitty gritty. As a granddaughter, daughter, and friend of survivors, and a soon to be uterus-less woman myself, I know strength can be found in the support of those who have "been there" or who "get it".

    Praying and praying and praying for you!!!

    p.s. Sorry for being long-winded again. Um, what else is new?

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  9. Thinking of you & your precious little one. Somehow, I know that the two of you have the strength and will to make it through this. xoxo

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  10. Well we can still hope that the Cancer part is only speculative and not definitive. Like you quoted your doctor though it's treatable because its contained in the uterus. Plus you've caught it early if it is indeed cancer.

    You know I'm hoping its not cancer. We hate that word in the family. Most tumors in the uterus are not cancerous so I'll hope and prayer that yours are not the bad kind. Hopefully they are the fibroid and simple masses similar to the ones that I have.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Even the scare of cancer can be draining. If it is cancer I'll be there for you as much as I can.

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  11. Girl, when it rains, it pours. But I have faith that you can handle it. As usual I will be praying that this all turns out well and you and your sweet Kenna will go home healthy and happy.

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