Dreamers know this, too, shall pass

So the stress reached a breaking point yesterday.  It wasn't pretty.  It is, however, better.

Already.

Mostly because this dreamer found a solution.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't easy.  Ah, but it did solve a lot of issues.

Pawn shop.

I've never been to one before.  It was like a field trip, which is not to say an actual field trip.  Those are more fun.  And they involve cool food and sight seeing.  All I saw was a crazy man behind a row of glass cabinets and a store I had to be buzzed into that smelled funny.  When it's a high end store, I like being buzzed in.  It leaves me feeling superior and special.  When it's a pawn shop, I begin to question the sanity of my decisions and maybe even my safety a little.  Those bars around the glass didn't help.

So, I did my negotiating.  And I was very astute.  I called him out on things he had said.  I reminded him of prices he quoted.  In the end, I didn't even feel like I had been ripped off too much.  It was...almost nice...and the pressure it relived was immense.

It was only a Bandaid.  There will be more stress, I'm sure.  I just have to believe that this, too, shall pass.  I have to believe that the steps I've taken in the last 24 hours will result in a huge change.  I have to.  That's what dreamers do.

My hope springs eternal.  My mind is on overdrive with the next Bandaid.  We have some agreements in place to prevent future meltdowns.

And...the website should be up and running within a week.  Fingers crossed.  In the meantime, I'm still working with Fiverr, despite my better judgement.  And when I run out of items to pawn, I still have a kidney to sell on the black market, some perfectly good liver lobes, and there's always some blood and plasma.  See.  It's good to think ahead.  It's even better to not need that plan.

Fingers crossed.

Dreamers believe in happily ever after

We sure do.  Even when it seems like happily ever after is so very far away, we cling to that.

We're struggling right now financially.

There aren't any big jobs, or big jobs on the horizon and Sam is stressing big time.  He is doing the quiet introspective stress.  He is thinking constantly about what to do to get an influx of cash.  And I understand.  It's easy to get so bogged down in that, so easy to not be able to function or focus on anything else.

Ah, but I can't.

I was writing like a fiend for Yahoo!  and they caught on to me.  So, I'm on lock down and can't publish anything for a few days.  And even then, I'll be behind my anticipated schedule.  It's okay.  I believe everything will work out.

Sam has been watching me.  I think he marvels at my ability to stay happy despite our struggles.  It's what I do.  I look for the happy and find the bright spot.  One of us has to.

So, I cook and clean...some.  And I write lots.  And I just think about what I can do to help out without making myself crazy because two crazies in the house is never going to solve anything.  I offer up options that he's quick to turn down.  I offer up solutions that aren't going to result in the quick influx of cash we need anyway.

At least I try.

We laid there on the couch last night.  And he was commenting on our struggles.

me: We have to struggle like this so that one day we can look back and see how far we've come.

Sam: It just seems like we've been struggling for so long.

me: We have.

It's not a constant struggle though.  We have good times.  We have bad times.  And so we looked at the positive.

Sam: Well, at least we have a nice new bathroom.  And we managed to finish the living room.

me: See.  That's something.

I'd like to think I'm rubbing off on him.  I'd like to think that he's coming around to the ways of the Nicki.  I wish he didn't have to face so many disappointments.  We've had so many people and companies let us down lately.  And it's time for our luck to change.

We're due for our happily ever after.

Learning to roll

I have always been good about simply pressing on and pushing through challenges. Lately, that has been tested more and more. And I feel it most acutely with Sam.

Over the last few years, we have been through it. We have struggled. We have fought. We have let anger get the best of us and lead us down the wrong path.

Yet no matter what, we always managed to make it work out.

It's me. I know it's me. As much as I can be impatient and impulsive and moody...he is more so. And when it comes down to it, I tend to be the one to bend and calm down challenging situations.

Over the last few days, I've gone with no more than three hours sleep a night. I am dieting. I am writing two blogs six days a week, maintaining two Twitter accounts, three Facebook pages, a YouTube, a Flickr, and a partridge in a pear tree...all while working full time, running all the errands, and maintaining a house, two cats, and a GIANT dog. It's a lot...even without the bird and tree.

So, I haven't been my best. I have whined. I have complained...mostly that I'm tired. In the end, though, I'm easy to appease. I need but one thing from him: TLC. When times are tough, if he simply enfolds me in his arms, everything melts away and I am ready to face the world again. Sometimes, however, when I am hardest to love is when I need love the most...and he wants nothing to do with me.

Needless to say, we are needing to meet somewhere in the middle. I need to be easier to be with, but he needs to suck it up and hug me when I ask. Every time I ask. As often as I ask.

I can't be mad at him for not giving me what I want if I don't ask for it. So, I asked. Let's see how he answers.

Ship wrecked

I was pretty distraught Monday over the huge disappointment of dealing with the IRS. I get really frustrated when things go wrong and they aren't my fault and they are completely out of my control to fix. So...there were tears. And I swore like a sailor, although I feared I might never actually be a sailor.

But...and this I am patting myself on the back for...

I didn't touch a drop of alcohol to self-medicate. And I didn't eat my feelings.

I don't have a problem with alcohol, nothing like that, but when I'm sad, alcohol only amplifies it for me. And when I'm sad, I only eat more. None of that was going to help me get into a bikini this summer.

So, yay me for staying on the dieting wagon.

We were pretty wrecked over the boat. We were thinking it meant canceling everything. Only...it didn't. We ended up talking to the boat owner. He was really understanding. He said we could stay on the boat for the weekend and sail with our instructor who is fast becoming our friend. And I guess that's what we're going to do.

The plans are still on. And I feel better. The website is launched. And I feel better. I'm even starting to meet with potential clients. So I really feel better.

Who knows? Maybe by the end of the month the check will have arrived, or we will have signed up enough sponsors and clients to pay for the boat regardless, or our prime junk will sell.

Hey, it could happen. I've hit one of life's many sandbars. We're getting it together. We'll make it through. Somehow, we always do. And when we do, we'll be wiser and stronger and hopefully thinner. (Well, I will be, anyway...) Fingers crossed.