Dreamers deal with haters

Every few weeks or so, I get a really nasty comment on this blog.  You never see it.  I deal with it.  I dispose of it for all of us.  And while I'm pretty sure I know the source, the coward who hides behind the anonymous comment, and that I could simply be direct and address this individual...I decided to do what I do.  I decided to help others who all deal with mean, nasty, ugly people in their lives. 

Sure, I had that millisecond where I was hurt.  Then I remembered the eternal wisdom of Taylor Swift.  People throw rocks at things that shine.  Most of the time, I'm so happy that I practically glow.  No wonder.  And then I felt sorry for this person, like I do for all people who throw stones.  How unhappy must you be with your life that you have to reach out and try to make others miserable?  That seems pretty sad.  It makes me sad for anyone who lives like that. 

My spirit is too strong to be taken down a notch by mean words. 

You can keep sending those nasty grams, making nasty comments, dropping nasty test messages.  I'm fine.  I'm good.  I'm not going to play into any of it.  You can't hurt me.  You can't dim my light.  Let that be true for all of you.  Just remember that when people are being mean, they are trying to drag you down to their level, trying to make you hurt like they are hurting.  Don't feed the anger, feel sorry for that unhappy soul.  And stay strong.  Stay true to you.

Just shine.

Dreamers deal with numbers

For some reason...numbers played a very big part in yesterday.  I sat down with one of Kenna's primaries and she taught me much about what was going on with Kenna infection wise.  She explained the numbers...what the tests were showing, what they should look like.  And it gave me a lesson that I hadn't anticipated ever learning.  To think that I had very little interest in biology in high school.  Now...I get it.

And so I left feeling reasonably comfortable with Kenna's condition.

I had also been dealing with numbers as the phone rang and rang yesterday.  And it never rang while I was just hanging around the office.  Nope.  It waited until I was in the car.  So, I kept answering the phone and struggling to write down numbers as I drove.  When I told Sam the story later, he reacted a little differently than I anticipated.

Sam: You could have crashed.

me: I know!  And you would have lost that lead forever.

He shook his head.

Sam: Yeah, it's the lead I'd be upset about losing.

I smiled.  My husband loves me.

Sam: Don't do that again.

And I was beaming. 

We have a lot going on.  And this was the first night that we were going to relax for a few minutes for bed and watch one of our many shows.  It was when he relaxed that he started sharing with me.

Sam: I have so much on my mind.  There are a lot of things bothering me that I don't tell you about.

I lifted myself off his chest. 

me: Whoa.  Are we okay?  Is there something you want to talk about?

Sam: No, just work stuff.  We are 100% great...not even 99%.  100% great.

More numbers.  Good numbers.  Now we just need to work on Kenna's numbers.  Fight that infection, little bit.  You are tougher than that.  You show that infection who's boss.

I'm not worried.  Our girl is a fighter.

Dreamers make it happen

I was on my walk yesterday when something suddenly occurred to me.  Our life has become so surreal, so strange, and yet so comfortable at the same time.

For as long as we've been together, Sam and I have been plotting and planning this future.  I remember him saying that he figured one day he'd find someone he loved.  And then after about three years of dating, that woman would move in.  And then after a year of living together, they would get engaged.  And after that, marriage.  And maybe a few years later...a child or children.  It was this ten year relationship plan that he had in mind.  He was only 27 at the time.  And in his mind, he had all the time in the world. 

At the same time, I was encouraging him in starting his own business.  His father, from whom he had learned the ropes, was nearing retirement and Sam wanted to have his own company.  We worked on that together.  He had big plans, huge plans.  He never wanted to sub for others, but figured it was a good way to learn how others ran their companies.  Then he would just run his own jobs.  I would quit mine, run his office, and write.

There was talk about what we would do to the house.  We had a long long list of all the improvements that we wanted to make around the house.  We wanted to remodel every aspect of it.  The house has a great floor plan, ample space, and good bones, but it is dated...as any thirty year old home would be.  And we had a ten year plan to remodel it, pay it off, rent it, and buy or build a home on water. 

Here we are, a mere four years into our ten year plan. 

And I look around at all the progress we've made.  Our company is now a force to contend with.  We are finishing up our first major job of the season, siding a home so large that it is considered the equivalent of four or five houses.  We have other jobs lined up.  It feels good. 

Last winter was the first winter I didn't work outside of the home.  It damn near killed us, but we made it.  And this year, we learned from our mistakes and we're already working on saving for the winter.  We're squirreling away our nuts.  I'm stocking up on food.  Our savings is growing.  I'm incredibly encouraged.

Within the next month or so, we will have completed so much of the list that I won't need to worry over where it is.  I will know for sure that all we have left to do is some trim work, fix the fireplace, and remodel the kitchen and master bath.  Practically nothing...considering what we've accomplished over the last few years.

The amazing part to me though is our relationship.  We're married and have a baby girl in less than half the time he imagined he'd need to be ready, to be comfortable. 

I should know by now that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to.  Still, that it's all actually happening is so special to me.  I really do love our life, even our struggles.  I know they won't last.  And every time we pull through we are stronger and closer than we were before. 

Figure out what you want from this life and go get it.  See what a difference it makes to be living your dream.

Baby's got back

Kenna has been sleeping a lot.  She needs to.  It's part of her recovery.

And these moments where she is awake and alert are rare.  I don't want to mes with her much when I visit.  I don't want her awake and agitated because she isn't being fed.  She'll figure that out soon enough.  I don't need her being more aware of that.

Her nurses had picked up on that, too.  They know that she is...well, they all keep using the word 'feisty.'  And they know she has a way of getting her way, a way of getting what she wants by desating when she is upset.  So, for her health, they spoil her.

And in an effort to not irritate her any more than necessary, they even change her diaper when she is laying on her belly without flipping her over.  That's what happened yesterday.  She was asleep when the nurse went in to suction her.  And since she was already bothering her, she checked her temperature.  And if she was already doing all of that, she might just as well change her diaper.

That's when I saw it.  Kenna has the beginnings of butt cheeks!

I was so excited, I had to text Sam.

me: She has a butt.

Sam: You did it.

me: I did what?

Sam: You gave her a butt.

me: Finally, my contribution to our baby!

Seriously.  She has so many of his features.  I'm pretty sure I even had a glimpse of blue eye yesterday.  Sometimes I feel like I had very little to do with her existence.  I only had twenty-four weeks to make an impression.  Apparently, I failed miserably.

Our baby is filling out.  She is healing.  And I have high hopes that she will be home...eventually.  I can't wait. 

Dreamers face their fears and come out on the other side

I have to tell you, as the mother of a preemie, there is nothing more scary for me than hearing the words 'necrotizing entercolitis.'

Since Keenan was in the NICU, that has always been my biggest fear.  See, it's one of those conditions that can really finish a baby off.  That's why Wikipedia had the images of the autopsy with their article.  Stupid Wikipedia.  The problem is that a baby can go septic, a bowel can rupture, and death can ensue. 

To find out that Kenna had what I had always feared...well, it was really demoralizing.  We had such high spirits for so long.  She was finally moving right along with her feeds, tolerating the 30 calorie ones like a champ.  There was a Decacron plan in place to wen her off the ventilator.  And I was practically planning her baby warming.

We imagined her home in time for the March of Dimes walk that we were doing.  How great would that be to have her walking with us?  Only that's not happening now.  Her doctor told me that I should plan on her being in the NICU for another couple of months.  That's May.  That's the middle to the end of May.

Still, that's better than the alternative. 

I would rather have her safe and in the NICU than have her come home too soon get sick and...not make it.  So, we can tolerate anything. 

We faced our biggest fear.  Kenna getting NEC...that was it.  And now, we're ready to move past that.  She is out of the danger zone.  72 hours.  That's what the doctor said.  If there was going to be a complication, we would have seen it by now.

In fact, we have every indication that she is headed on the upswing.  Her sats are better.  Her blood gas is improving.  Her eyes...they opened.  Her arms are moving.  She is tolerating her care and her tests beautifully.  That's our little fighter. 

This was a speed bump on her trip through the NICU.  She's going to be just fine.

Dreamers understand each other

doctor: How is your husband doing?  How are you two doing?

That is something that the doctors seem to check with alarming regularity.  And I know why.  They need to know how we are because all of that impacts Kenna. 

And I have to admit, we're good...especially after last weekend.  We're really good at noticing when we aren't connecting as we should, as we'd like.  And so we work to fix it pretty quickly.

That's why when the doctors asked me about how we were doing, I was able to answer them honestly.  We are doing good.

me: I know he hasn't been able to be here for a couple of days, but that's a combination of things: work and his inability to come see his daughter looking really sick and in pain.  And I respect that, just like he respects my need to be here.

They looked at me and smiled.

doctor: I wish all parents got that.

I'm sure they don't.  I'm sure there is tension galore.  I'm sure there is fighting.  I've seen it.  And that isn't necessarily coming from lifers like us.  I'm beginning to think of us that way because Kenna has been in the NICU for so long.

There's something about our relationship that I'm really proud of.  Some couples, when hard times hit, they fall apart, they break down.  When tough times hit us, you couldn't break us apart with dynamite.  We get that tight.  And in times of crisis, that's how it should be.

In life...that's how it should be.

Sure, it has been an adjustment for Sam.  He wasn't used to sharing his home, then his life.  He thought I was silly with my need to snuggle on the couch with him in the evening and go to bed together every night.  Now, he craves it, too. 

I can tell because he reaches out more than he ever has.  He waits for his hugs.  He knows when I need one.  As challenging as life is right now, it has also never been better. 

We do what we always do.  We work out the kinks.  We work through the challenges.  We do it together because no matter what, that's how we want to be...together. 

Not soon enough for our liking, Kenna will come home.  We have a ways to go, especially after this hiccup.  Can you really call NEC a hiccup?  Well, it has definitely postponed her homecoming.  I don't see any way she'll be ready to come home at the end of April now.  We're thinking some time in May.  We hope.

It doesn't matter.  That just gives us more time to prepare.  The house will be perfect for her.  And we'll be perfect together. 

Just a touch of NEC

That's what we're calling it.  There are full blown cases, but she doesn't have one of those.  There are surgical cases and she isn't one of those.  Kenna's NEC is medical.  And she is gradually improving.

I was worried about her, hated leaving her, but I have so much to do that I can't be here 24 hours a day.  That is why we have the primaries.  They are moms away from moms.  That's what one of her primaries and I decided.  And I have managed to luck out and get Kenna's primaries every day this week.

As for Kenna, she is hanging in there.  She really is.  As that same primary put it, if Kenna had to get NEC, she is doing it just right.  And she is weathering it beautifully.

Sure, she has never been more still, another one of her primaries noted, but she doesn't look bad.

And I suppose that comparatively speaking...she doesn't.  Still, I am her mother and I see the changes in her.  Her eye lids are red.  They have never been red before.  The only way she demonstrates her responsiveness at the moment is through her sats.  Those decline slightly when she is fussed with.  Other than that, she is very stable.  I'm encouraged.

The doctors have commented on my attitude.  Apparently they like it.

My philosophy is that bad things happen.  It's how you face them and deal with them that makes all the difference.

So, Kenna has a touch of NEC.  She's going to make it.  The more I say it, the more I believe it.  The more I see her improving, the more I believe it.  I'm so proud of my baby girl.  She's made of tough stock.  She's fighter.

 And we are so blessed.  We are blessed to have so many people who rally for her every time she has a dip.  And we are so blessed to have Kenna come out so hardy, so strong, so ready to weather all the challenges.

We're dancing in the rain.