Dreamers have heartfelt realizations

Meredith put the CPAP hat Linae made on Kenna's March of Dimes bunny.

I used to feel like I didn't know Kenna at all.  I was kind of hurt that her nurses knew her better.  Meredith had seen her sucking her thumb.  And I hadn't.  Caroline had such a sweet little nickname for her.  Kenna's their little bird.  Samantha started her Beads of Courage.  Ginger passed out her footprints to the nurses.  Linae dressed up her CPAP hat with a bow.  And that's only a few examples from part of the team that cares for Kenna. 

In some ways, I suppose I felt left out. 

I would go and talk to her.  I would sometimes touch her through her womb room portholes.  It was super important that we go at times that we could participate in her care. 

Sometimes the nurses would ask me questions about Kenna.  And I wouldn't know the answers.  I felt like she was more theirs than ours.

Over the last few weeks, that feeling has changed.  It was so gradual that I barely noticed.  Until about 2am.  Yeah, I have a habit of falling asleep watching television.  Normally that means that we're in the living room and I'm asleep in Sam's lap until wakes me up to go to bed.  Lately, it has meant our bedroom because the living room and the rest of the house have been a construction zone.  I have been waking up to the television still on in our room at 2am, then calling the hospital to check on Kenna.

She's almost three months old.  Three months.  One fourth of the first year of her life and she's spent it in the hospital.  That makes me sad.  And yet I know that is where she needs to be.

Last night, as I lay there, I realized how well I know my daughter.  I know her moods, when she's coming completely unglued.  I know how to soothe her...and it usually involves my voice and my touch as opposed to a pacifier.  I know her little fingers and toes.  (I love baby fingers and toes.) 

The other day, I just stood there playing with her stinky feet and she let me.  She watched me do it.  She discovered that Mommy can touch her feet and not hurt her.  She is used to feet touching resulting in a blood draw from her heel for her blood gases.  Instead, I touched her toes and told her all about the fun we would have playing 'This Little Piggy.' 

One of her doctors caught me in the hall yesterday.  She commented that Kenna looked amazing and she was convinced that she was going to make it.

me: You're convinced?  We've been convinced.  We just wonder when she will come home.

doctor: Well, that will still be a while.  Thank goodness you're normal.

Now, I've been called a lot of things in my life, normal is not one of them.  And I might have even been a bit insulted.

me: Normal?

doctor: Yes, you know...enjoyable to have around.

me: Oh.  Good.  Well, please don't let that influence your discharge decisions.  I'll bring her back for visits.  I promise.

Yes.  We're normal.  We're getting to do normal things, like getting to know our baby.  I know the wrinkles in her neck.  I know where the hair line stops on her fuzzy little head.  I know she soothes to the sound of my voice and my gentle restraint.  And I know one day, she'll come home.

Dreamers need to keep their heads out of the clouds

Yeah, that's where I went wrong yesterday.  I thought about it.  And that is most decidedly where I went wrong.  I won't make that mistake again today.  Nope.  I'm on top of things.

See, my day started out super stellar.  (This would be the time my day actually started, as opposed to the middle of the night when I woke up to Bishop peeing on the carpet in the room.)  So, I was working on the laptop in the garage, since the house was taken over by flooring installation, and one of the flooring installers came over to me and handed me FOUR four leaf clovers that he found in the yard. 

I guess from that moment on I felt like I was coated in Teflon.  Everything would just bounce off me.  I was indestructible.  Right.

It was a few hours later that I was rushing to the hospital to see my baby girl.  I had to bring her milk.  And there was a lot going on.  Our window order had been suddenly delivered.  And Sam needed my help.  And I was distracted by my need to get to my pumping supplies, but my inability to do so because the house was in complete and utter chaos. 

Sam had left.  He was gone.  And I knew he was coming back, but I had no idea he would be back so quickly.  All I knew was that I needed to get going or miss time with Kenna.  So, I hopped in the car and backed out and nearly crushed Sam. 

All I saw behind me was the garbage truck.  Somehow, he had managed to pull in beside me, open his doors, and lean in to get a nail gun for the guys.  And I nailed his door, thereby nailing him. 

me: Are you okay?

Sam: I've been better.

He saw the look on my face.

Sam: I've been worse.  I'm fine!

And he headed back out.  I drove off to the hospital.  When I was just ten minutes away, after driving for a good twenty minutes, I realized in all the drama, I had forgotten the milk.  So, I had to turn around and drive back home.  I called to let our nurse know what was going on and she let me know what was going on with Kenna.

Our baby girl has stage 3 Retinopathy of Prematurity.  And she may need surgery.  In less than a week.

Stupid four leaf clovers. 

So, it's been crazy around here.  There has been huge progress on the house.  Sam is fine.  And he was never angry with me.  He was more bothered by the fact that I was upset.  He's a good husband and promises to be an amazing daddy.  I have spoken with Kenna's doctors and they aren't worried about the anesthesia, but the intubation.  She was doing so well on CPAP.  Either way, it will all work out.

I am so blessed. 

Dreamers stay ridiculously busy

Our floors in progress...

I guess it was about 2pm Monday that Sam called me at home, just as I was headed to the hospital.  And when I am at the hospital or on the way to the hospital...I don't really hear anything.  I am super focused on Kenna. 

Then I arrived home that night and realized that I was supposed to help move furniture after making and cleaning up from dinner.  That...was not my favorite night.  By the time we settled in it was after nine.  And after watching a few shows, our night was over.

Tuesday morning came entirely too quickly.  And waking up to Bishop peeing in our bedroom was not the way I planned to start my day.  Yes, Bishop is on meds after his trip to the vet.  Of course the dog is on steroids, too.  Yes, the biggest and smallest family members are rocking the 'roids.  So, he is prone to pee.  This I understand.  What I don't understand is why he didn't let us know he needed to pee.  And I also don't know why I am always on bodily function clean up. 

Being a mom is not the most glorious role I've ever had.

And then there are these moments...moments I would trade for anything.  Moments like...holding Kenna.  I rushed from the house after helping move more of our stuff.  You never realize how much stuff you have until you move or have to remove it from it's location.  Yeah.  We have plenty of stuff.

The drive to the hospital was lovely.  No traffic.  And I made it to the hospital with time to spare.  Soon enough, I was snuggling Kenna.  She does so well just laying there in my arms or up against my chest.  She just relaxes.  She lets me touch her hands and often squeezes back.  Her breathing is better.  Her sats are better.  She is calmer.  It's just the ideal situation for her...mommy-Kenna snuggle time.

We had a big meeting with one of our distributors yesterday and all the big wigs.  It was interesting.  People are never how you expect them to be.  And meetings never go precisely as planned.  I know this.  I set my expectations low and prepare for anything.  In all honesty, it went pretty much exactly how I expected.  It was Sam who was surprised and disappointed. 

Then it was an early bedtime because...we have no living room.  And there was nothing we needed to do...really.

Sam: We should spend more time in here.  We have a really nice bedroom.

me: I used to shut down the house after dinner and hang out with the kids in my room.  I love hanging out in the master bedroom.

Sam: You could have done that here.

Yeah, I could have, but if I did we wouldn't be where we are today.  We needed to bond.  He needed to learn how to share his life.  He needed to figure out how to be with someone.  And I had just about enough patience to teach him.  And I needed to get used to being with someone, too.  Marriage doesn't always mean togetherness.

So, we've been busy.  All indications are that we will be staying busy the rest of the week.  I just can't wait to get to the hospital for snuggle time.

Dreamers know good things grow

We have been busy around the house lately.  And it is so nice to start seeing the fruits of our labors.

Take the master bedroom, for example.  I am in love with the paint.  I love it.  And to think we picked right the first time.  Because that is so not our style.  The great room took forever.  Yup.  And I'm not even in love with the results.  I like the room...but not in the same way I love love love the master.

We went with a green...Irish Paddock.  Of course.  I knew I could convince my Irish man to go with a green that color, since I couldn't get the color I really wanted: Green Water.  He said it was too blue.  He hates blue in the bedroom because my old house had a blue bedroom.  There's nothing getting by him.

Ah, but what really makes the room...aside from the newly scraped ceiling...the taupe suede wall.  It's an easy paint treatment.  And it makes the room.  It's the perfect accent wall.

So, when it came time to paint the hall, since it needs to be done before the floors...I went with the same green.  And the way that new light shines on it...perfection.

What does this mean?

No more painting.  Thankfully.  Because not only do I not enjoy painting, but I rather suck at it.  Really.

Thus it's on to new projects.  We have our new windows coming in.  And the Hardie is on order.  This house will be practically new by the time Kenna comes home.  We're doing everything we can to make it energy efficient and lung friendly.

Kenna's lungs are really having a rough time.  I look forward to the day when she is healed, but the doctors and nurses tell us it could take a good year or more.  And we're already having to tell friends that they can't hold Kenna.  She has no immune system.  The doctors and nurses have warned us no one should hold her, other than her parents.   I'll do what it takes to make sure that she's healthy.  Kenna's health comes first.

And I guess that's one of the reasons I wanted to grow a garden this year.  I figured I could make baby food from all the fresh vegetables.  It's a start.  And so I'm super proud that they have started growing.

I'm working my butt off now so that when Kenna comes home, I can focus on being a mom and taking care of her.  The business should only take a few hours of my day.  That leaves plenty of snuggle time.  And that baby girl deserves all the snuggles she can get after her rough start.  We can't wait to make it up to her.

She's a rock star!

I have to brag about my baby for a bit.

See, we all know that Kenna has beat the odds, defied them at every step.  And she's doing it again.

Before she had NEC, the doctors were ready to get her started on another course of Decadron.  Then she was sick.  And the Decdron was postponed.  We had met and discussed that we wanted her to have the best possible chance to get breathing on her own, to make it to Bubble CPAP.  And that meant that she would be feeding...unless they had no choice.

Well, on Sunday...they had no choice.  Kenna was requiring too much support.  And so they had to start the Decadron.  And while I knew she would respond well to it, as she had in the past, I didn't imagine she would do this well.

I talked her through it on Wednesday. 

She was struggling.  Sure, she was used to the tube down her throat, but the nares in her nose were really aggravating her.  Poor baby girl.  And the sticker on her nose and across her face designed to hold the nasal cannulas wasn't much better.  She was pretty stinking miserable.  They told me she was going to be re-intubated because she was doing so poorly.

And I talked to her.  I told Kenna that she was smart and strong and she could do this.  I reminded her how special she was and how loved.  And she calmed down.  She settled in.  Her oxygen requirement dropped from 60% to 30% in half an hour.  She was even high sating...100!  I just laid my hand on her and kept talking.  It worked. 

I worried about leaving her, but she proved that she was strong.  Kenna just needed a little encouragement to get started.  Since then, she has been without anything several times when they have had to change her CPAP out.  Yesterday when I was there, she went without any support for fifteen minutes with no problems, not even a desat.

They started a new program for babies and children that are hospitalized at Hemby.  It's called 'Beads of Courage.'  I wanted to be a part of it, to start Kenna's bead story.  The kick off was Wednesday...the same day that Kenna started the CPAP and was struggling.  Instead, her nurse started it for her last night. 

Kenna's sign on her womb room is an owl family.  I love it.  It's perfect.  I'll be hanging it up in her room when she comes home.  And her Beads of Courage...are in an owl bag.  I'll take pictures when I get a chance. 

I'm not sure I know anyone more courageous than Kenna.  She has been through it and come out on top.  Our baby girl is a rock star. 

Thank you for thinking of her!

My little princess

Kenna getting weighed after being held for two hours.  She looks relaxed.

 

And then the bathing began.  Look at that face!

Yup.  She's definitely not happy.

Then the bathing was over.  She looked surprised...and ready to get upset again if necessary.

In minutes she was weighed, bathed, diapered, and ready to go back in her womb room.  After breathing...crib time.

Please think of Kenna as she is on Bubble CPAP.  This is a huge step.  And it is time.

Dreamers know one project leads to another

I love the new paint color.

It all started with one simple idea.  We should use my tax money to get new floors before Kenna comes home.  She has premature lung disease and the thirty year old carpets weren't going to make it any easier for her around the house.  Having already survived one preemie and knowing his special needs, we wanted to do everything we could for Kenna.

And so we picked the flooring.  It arrived.  It was delivered.  And it still sits clogging up my dining room.  It has to.  Little did I know that so many projects would stem off this one simple idea.

Oh, but in remodeling, this is what happens.  We realized that if we were going to do new floors, we'd better have the walls and ceiling just right or we'll later ruin them. 

So, the ceiling in the master bedroom needed to be scraped.  The kids' rooms had been done before we moved in...new ceilings, new paint, new carpet, new lighting, and amazing trim work.  Sam is super handy to have around. 

We had installed blinds so that my peeping ex could no longer see in and we bought curtains to go over the blinds.  But other than painting an accent wall and new lamps for the nightstands, we hadn't done anything to the master.  And I'm guessing we passed on this because we knew how much work it would be.  The kids' rooms were easy.  There was no furniture in there, nothing to work around.  It was perfect.  Our room, loaded with furniture far from perfect. 

The ceiling has been scraped and painted.  The lighting has been reattached.  The back wall is painted a lovely shade of taupe in a suede treatment.  I bet you had no idea I was so talented.  I'm not.  It's easy.  And the rest of the walls are being painted.  Yes, we are almost done.  For now.  There will be new furniture in the future. 

And the garden is very nearly planted.  It would have been all done, but for the fact that there was not enough dirt.  We have to import it since we are built on a boulder topped with clay.  It's not exactly conducive to a garden.  It's barely conducive to grass...although the weeds seem to thrive.

Just when I thought our remodeling was coming to an end...Sam and I were snuggling on the couch Saturday night.  We were proud of all we had accomplished thus far.

Sam: You know...one of my crew members blows insulation.  He said he'd give me a good price for the attic.  We're loosing a lot of heat and wasting a lot of air in this old place.

me: Yes, but what about the kitchen?

Sam: What about the kitchen.

me: Well, we talked about taking out the drop down ceiling and how you'd have to climb through the attic.  Would that still be possible?

And that is why Sam ended up taking down the kitchen ceiling last night.  We have to get that done before the insulation.  The end is in sight.  I can almost see it.  I've given this a lot of thought.  And I'm not sure there are many more projects to be completed around here.  Really.  Aside from the kitchen and master bath...we're good.

Soon, I'll share pictures to prove it.  And with any luck, Kenna will be home soon to enjoy it.