An unexpected turn of events

I've been pretty sad lately. Really really really sad.

This time last weekend, I was certain my life was over. The life we had planned together was done. The hopes, the dreams, the future...all of it...gone. Simply finished.

Sam had hurt me. I was destroyed. And I wasn't sure I could forgive him. The kids were living with their father. I felt lost and alone.

I wanted to hold onto our dream, dream the dream alone. I still wanted the boat. Our boat. Plan Sea.

Long ago I had given up on the house. We were struggling and behind and every effort we had made to remedy the situation was shut down.

Hope. I needed some hope.

And hope came in some unexpected ways and some strange places.

We've been talking. We've been working on things.

I have always said that we can fix anything that we want to fix, the key is whether or not we want to fix it. He does. I do. If we can.

The trick is laying it all out, every little thing that has been glossed over and swept under the rug. We had to share every thought, feeling, gripe, unfulfilled need. It's easy to do when we have nothing left to lose. And then we have to decide where to go from there. Can he meet my needs? Can I meet his? Is it worth the effort?

We think so. We're taking it slow. We're working on time and patience. There is much to be considered. It's not a decision to make lightly.

But for some reason, once we decided to try, things changed.

His house, our home...it's saved. We're not losing the house. We received a grant. We may still get the loan modified, the payment lowered. We're going to be okay.

The boat, Plan Sea...it's saved. We got our miracle. We spoke to the owner. He likes us. He doesn't want to put the boat back on the market. He's willing to wait for the IRS to come through with my check.

We'll have our boat. We'll have our house. We'll get the future we dreamed of. And it seems like we'll get so much more.

He says he's done being scared. He says that he understands what's important. He's ready to follow through. He's ready to give me everything I want and need. It will take time. I need to be patient. We're still working on a limited budget. It will take some time to catch up, but once we do...everything. My whole dream.

Seems like I got my miracle after all.

It'll take a miracle

Just one small miracle. That's all that I need. Without it...no Plan Sea.

Yeah. That's all.

I tried everything I could think of, but the purchase of the boat had to be completed in thirty days. We're over.

There's nothing I can do about it. The IRS won't start tracing the check until today. I didn't receive an inheritance from a long lost relative I've never heard of. I haven't had a big sale on Rentable Me. No sponsors offering me large sums of money. And I don't play the lottery...mostly because of the luck thing. I simply don't have any...luck that is.

For the most part, I believe we make our own luck with perseverance and effort. I've done all that I can. Somehow, I have to believe that whatever happens was meant to be. It will all work out in the end.

So, I'm swallowing my disappointment. I'm moving forward. New plan. There will be a new boat when the time is right. It better be soon.

Getting into a routine

It hasn't been easy lately, trying to maintain some kind of normal. It hasn't been easy trying to function day to day. As you may imagine, there's been one thing and pretty much only one thing on my mind.

Constantly I wonder what to do about Sam.

I was supposed to move out over the weekend, but that fell through. And Sam, of course, had offered to let me stay. He thought it was ridiculous to move twice. Plus, the cats were going to be here anyway.

So, I stayed.

Don't confuse that with getting comfortable again. I didn't unpack.

We've had a lot of talks, talks that I'm still mulling. And I am not ready to share any of that yet. Soon. Or soon enough. I know I will.

In the meantime, I've gone back to walking in the morning. I've always liked doing it, but I have been so overwhelmed with computer work that I haven't been able to manage much else. I would wake up, work on the computer, get ready for work where I would spend all day entertaining people and working on a computer, and then come home to cook, clean and...you guessed it...work on the computer.

Needless to say, I haven't been able to accomplish much other than...working on the computer.

These past few days, I've been working on getting life back into perspective. I've been working on thinking more and figuring out what's important, what matters. And while I don't have all of that completely together yet, I do know that the walking helps.

It clears my head first thing in the morning. It gives me some much needed endorphins to help stabilize me. And even though my body hurts, I know it's a good hurt. So, I carry on.

That's pretty much the story of my life. I carry on. I keep plugging along. Like most people, I try to do the best I can with what I've got. And I trust that somehow, everything will come together.

I think I made him blush

Always the planner, I was speaking to a friend who works in the electronics department at Sears.

me: I need a new camera.

friend: Any idea what you want?

Clearly, we are not that close. I always know what I want. I just don't always know if I can get it. I love love love to dream though!

Worse, I had contacted the people at Canon weeks ago. Apparently they aren't going to give me a camera to review or treat it as a sponsorship for the trip or anything. *sigh* Too bad I have my heart set on that particular model. I had no choice but to try to buy it now.

me: Yes. I found it online. It was a Canon. It's good underwater for 30 feet. I think it's a...

Now here's where I mess up. Numbers...not my friends. Words and pretty pictures...friends!

me: It's pearly baby blue.

He laughed.

Then he explained that it was definitely an online item.

friend: The closest we have here is a Fuji and it only goes 10 feet.

me: No good.

friend: So you're getting serious, huh? You plan to go deep?

me: Well, you know...go deep or go home!

I thought about that for a second. His eyes were huge. And that's when I giggled. It sounded kinda naughty. Naughty, naughty words.

I'm not settling...

That's what I have decided. No matter what, I refuse to settle.

I am at a point in my life where I really know what I want and I finally have the confidence to achieve it. I can do this, whatever this happens to be. I can. I've got this.

I am a different woman than I was when I married nearly twenty years ago. I am a different woman than I was when I decided to end that marriage. I am different from the woman who started dating Sam three years ago. And different is better.

For years, I accepted less than I deserved out of fear. I accepted less because I was afraid of being alone. Then I learned that there are worse fates than that...like lonely and with the wrong man.

Now, I'm not afraid of being alone. And I'm not afraid of being lonely. There will always be someone if I want someone.

That means that the one question is...what do I do about my heart? It's a problem because I have to tell you, this dreamer has loved this man more than she's ever allowed herself to love anyone. This dreamer still wants the dream. And I can have it. I can. I just don't know if I should.

Weighing the options here. Weighing the pros and cons. Weighing pretty much everything but me. I have a good idea how much I weigh already.

I'll figure it out. I will. I always do. Just taking my time to make the best decisions. These are the most important decisions I've ever made. There's too much riding on them for me not to take them seriously. Time and patience. The answer will come.

Plan Sea...still

I'm not giving up. I've listened to your comments. I've listened to my heart. Plan Sea is still a go.

So, I'm making arrangements with the owner. I need to secure the boat. Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. I'm going ahead.

There will be more sailing lessons. I'm really excited about them. The next one was supposed to be a trip to Georgia. I'm really looking forward to it. Why wouldn't I?

I need adventure. I need new experiences. And I can still do that, with or without Sam.

It's funny, but just like I learned with my ex, I'm the one making things happen. I'm the one that has propelled our life in the direction I want to go. I don't need someone else to hold me back or affirm by decisions. I can do this.

And so Plan Sea will proceed. I've spoken to Matt, the dock master, and he assures me that I can spend long weekends on the boat without any problems. And I have been applying for Charleston jobs. And I know that with summer fast upon us, it is imperative that I get moving on learning to sail. I'll be able to sail over to the kids in Myrtle and spend the weekends with them. I can't wait.

Life is going on, just as it should. I'm getting on with my life, just as I should. I don't need a new dream. I just needed to rework my existing dream. And I have. Dream on.

Finding a new dream

It's going to take some time. I have to think about what to do very carefully. And, since I no longer trust myself to make...any major decisions...I'll be asking you to weigh in and help. You will, right? You won't leave me here to flounder on my own filled with self-doubt?

So far I have been encouraged to keep my dream alive, to follow it. Friends are reminding me that I'm strong. And I have to admit, I'm feeling stronger.

I only have a few more days to pack up and get things out of the house. My self-imposed deadline, not his. He actually doesn't seem happy about my departure. At the same time, we have agreed it's for the best. It is. I just think in the long run it will be better for me than for him.

Therefor, I'm working on doing what dreamers do. We dust ourselves off and find a new dream or we rework an existing dream. No matter what, we never stop dreaming.

My cousin, Becky, thinks that I can get some sponsors and carry on with the Plan Sea if I have the right schtick, the right angle. She may be right. At the moment, my entire angle is that I'm Suddenly Single at Sea. I think it would be therapy. I think if I took some time and sailed away, building the business as I went, that I would definitely come back stronger. Sam would never be able to touch me again.

At the same time, there are the kids to consider. There's the possibility that, at the moment, I might want to consider some land adventures since Rachel will be graduating next fall and Keenan will be starting high school. I can't leave them. Not now, not ever.

But mostly, my dream does not involve a house anymore. Okay, maybe a house on a tropical island, but no ordinary continental US house will do. I could Under the Tuscan Sun it in the Caribbean. (The movie version, not the real version.)

The important thing is that I have time to figure this out. I have until my tax refund arrives, and then some. I have a place to stay until then. It is the perfect place to recuperate. I'll tell you more tomorrow.

For now, I need to ponder my next move. This one is temporary. All opinions are welcome.