Dreamers belive in themselves

I forget that once in a while.  I hope you're sitting.  Ready?  Here goes...

I'm not perfect.

There.  I said it.  I know.  You're shocked.  Who can blame you?  I try to hide it.  I try to cover it up with good things.

All I know is that every once in a while, I forget who I am.  I forget what I can do.  I forget what I've done, what I've survived, what has made me who I am.  I get bogged down in my shortcomings.  I get sidetracked with what I haven't accomplished.

And it's in moments like this that I let fear and doubt creep in and take over.  Ghosts from my past start clanging around in my present.  Next thing you know...we're having problems.

Sometimes, I anticipate the worst.  It was my defense mechanism for my first marriage.  The problem was that I was never wrong.  If I thought that he was up to no good, it's because he was.  If I suspected he was cheating it was because he had.  If I thought that he was blowing money on lap dances, I'd be sure to trip over a huge cash withdrawal from an ATM at a strip club.  Yes, my ex-husband never disappointed me by being a huge disappointment.

There were years of I'm sorry presents...furniture, flowers, trips, and food.  There were years of empty promises.  There were years of my self-esteem being beaten down, my self-image being completely wrecked. 

So it's no wonder that Sam and I struggled for a while.  We both had our demons to deal with.  I'll be dealing with my demon until the kids are 18 and graduated.  (Five years! Woo hoo!)  And Sam has done his best to rid himself of his demons.  Oh, they call and text from time to time, but he doesn't respond.

 As he tried to sooth me over the Bachelor Party, he stood and walked over to me on the screen porch.  He squatted between my legs and caressed my arms.

Sam: Babe, do you have any idea how long it took me to find you?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find someone like you?  I would never jeopardize that.  I've made my mistakes.  Our relationship has been tested.  We're forever.

I must have glowed then.  I must have.  I'm glowing still.  He cupped my face and kissed me.  And I knew that all was right with our world.  We're good.  Forever.

I'm special.  I'm what he wants and needs.  And nothing is going to change that.

Beshert

That's my favorite Yiddish word. Of all the words I've learned while working with my Jewish colleagues...beshert is the one that stuck, made the biggest impact.

Its meaning? Meant to be.

That's what Sam and I are. We are meant to be. I could tell you all the long stories about how we came to meet. I could tell you about the signs that cemented it for us. But instead, I'll let you read the links. Heh heh heh.

There's more. With us, there's always more.

We've faced challenges. Tons. And now, we're facing the biggest one yet.

More than anything, I believe that when things are meant to be, they happen. I believe that anything is possible. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I've had so many experiences in this life. I was talking about it last night with Sahaja. (I always feel really important when she calls me from Hungary. Love you, Sahaja!)

Sahaja believes that we epitomize the concept of making lemonade. We've been handed our fair share of lemons. That is certain. And we are consciously choosing to be happy. We are choosing to make the best of a bad situation. We are following our dreams.

It's right. I know it is. We found the perfect starter boat. I found the perfect web designer. We have each other.

Meant to be.