Letter to a new NICU mom

Dear Christine,

I know how very challenging it is to be a mom.  And you are suddenly a mom in spades: triplet girls, all sharing the NICU with Kenna.  It's something like being baptized with fire I imagine.

As the seasoned mom of two teens and a 24 week preemie, if I can offer any advice or insight into this experience it is this...

First and foremost, bask in the beauty of each moment.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the medical speak.  It is so easy to be distracted by all the tubes and probes.  See past all that and enjoy each special moment with your babies.  I know that each day, Sam and I would go in there and get the updates on Kenna's medical condition and then focus on all the good stuff...like whose fingers and toes she had, what color her hair was going to be, and all her adorable expressions. 

Remember that while the NICU and your babies are the focus of your life, you still need to achieve a balance to stay sane and healthy.  While there are nurses to care for your babies at night, don't feel guilty taking in a movie with your husband or taking a day trip as this journey goes on.  It will mean so much to your mental health and the babies need a sane mommy.  Sam and I ran away to the beach for a day trip.  We visited Kenna before we left and we called and checked on her when we made it home that evening.  And in the middle, we connected like we so desperately needed to.

Keep in mind, daddys are different from mommys.  I need to be there every day.  I need to see and hold Kenna.  I need to speak to the doctors and nurses and be on top of everything.  Sam needs to focus on work during the week and comes on the weekends.  It isn't that he is deserting me or not supporting me, it's not that he doesn't care about his daughter.  It's all about making sure Kenna has a home to come home to.  You and your husband will figure out what works for you.

This is a roller coaster ride.  The highs are so high.  The lows are gut wrenching.  There will be many of both.  In the end, you will be able to look back and see more good than bad.  You will bask in the each small victory.  And when the lows happen, you will put on your game face.  Know that it can change so quickly...even in the course of a day.  The day that Kenna was diagnosed with NEC, she wasn't quite herself in the morning and by five in the evening she was limp and practically lifeless.  If I didn't believe in the power of having primaries before that, NEC sealed it. 

Which brings me to the this suggestion: find your babies some primaries.  I have night primaries and day primaries.  I love the team of nurses assembled.  They are smart and funny and talented and everything I could hope for.  They are superb communicators, whether it means sharing news or talking me off a ledge.  They help me hold it together.  They help me even more when I can't.  They are part mind reader, part miracle worker and all heart.  My primaries send me pictures and messages by text.  They are more than nurses and have become friends and family.  You will need that.

Never forget that you are the mom.  You can stand up to the doctors and offer your opinion.  I spoke to the doctors about how I wanted to approach the Bubble CPAP after NEC.  I voiced my thoughts on feedings.  I have questioned the necessity of tests.  I'm Kenna's biggest cheerleader and her biggest protector.  I have known her longer than anyone.  The same is true for you and your girls. 

During this time, don't be afraid to ask for what you need from your husband, from the nurses, from the doctors, from friends and family.  It's okay to tell people that they can't come to the hospital right now, that they will see the girls when they come home.  It's okay to tell your husband that you are tired and can't cook.  It's okay to take it easy.  It's okay not to be in touch with everyone every day.  They will understand.  Take care of you so that you can be there for the girls. 

Most of all, understand the importance of positive thinking.  Miracles happen every day.  If you look hard enough, you can find the good in everything.  When Kenna was diagnosed with NEC, I decided that, on the bright side, I could now work on building up my milk storage.  When I brought clothes she couldn't wear yet, I looked at it as less laundry.  And when there was no progress, I rejoiced that she was stable.  There is always a silver lining. 

I'm sure I have way more advice to impart, but it will all come in time.  Just know that you are surrounded by many caring people.  Let them take care of you and your girls.