When dreamers come together

I've been so busy lately that it just suddenly hit me that I was out of things to do.  Really.  I am.

I have been working so hard to complete all these tasks and all of a sudden...I'm done.  And there are no more tasks rolling in.  I have kept doing what I've always done.  I keep applying for sponsored posts here and there.  I have been working on writing quality posts on the blogs.  (At least I hope they are quality...)  And I always believe that if I just keep plugging along, good things will come my way.

Yes, that's what I choose to believe.

At the same time, I know that I have to work for all this to happen.  I never expect anything to simply fall in my lap.  It is all a product of my time and effort.

So it is good when I get a moment to catch up with someone in a similar situation...someone also trying to make self-employment dreams a reality.  Meredith and I caught up with each other via Skype.  And even though we only chatted for about 20 minutes, it gave me so much to think about.

It's good for dreamers to share ideas and put their heads together.  We are working on some projects right now, ways to build our businesses, ways to grow and support our families.  Meredith has a lot of really good ideas...for both of us.  I was kind of in a funk.  That can happen when I've spent days writing SEO articles.  They don't exactly inspire my creative juices to flow.  It's my least favorite form of writing.  Ah, but it pays some bills.  Just some.

And that's why we talked.  And that's why we are working to figure out ways to get ahead.  We have plans to grow.  I treasure our friendship.  I need to keep people like Meredith around to keep me inspired, to keep me on task.

Thanks, Meredith for helping this dreamer get in the right frame of mind.

Dreamers know planning makes perfect

Yes, I know that real saying is that practice makes perfect.  Ah, but I plan to only marry Sam once so I have to get it right the first time.  Sure, I may convince him to do a vow renewal at ten and twenty-five years, but we're only going to do the actual marriage once.

One time to get it right.

And that begs the question, what will it take to make the day perfect?

We have agreed, without a doubt, that it's all about the people you share the event with.  (Yes, I realize I am saying this even as I'm not inviting my own children.  Long story that makes perfect sense.)  And it's all about being where we are happy.

So, we have our dream location covered.  We have our dream weekend planned.  And we have our dream ceremony selected.

We'll be going with a handfasting.  I found the vows online.  I'm not sure how I survived before the internet.  Really.  I've also found the flutes, vase, votives, and sarongs online.  With some money and some wi-fi, I'll have this thing together in no time.

Ah, but the vows...  I wanted something real.  I wanted something real.  I wanted something honest.  I wanted something that was completely us.  And that's what I found in these vows.

I can't wait to say them.  I can't wait to be Sam's wife.  I can't wait for him to be my husband.  He's so cute.  He already practices.  He calls me his wife.

Still, I figure out how to make this a special day, a special weekend, and ultimately a special life for us.  We're on a great path.  I'm not worried.  It will be perfect for us.

Staying connected

I was told there was a danger, when I began working from home, that I would lose touch with people. I was warned that I could become trapped in the house and never interact. It was suggested that I would be sad and lonely.

Me? Sad and lonely? Right.

To date, I have been inundated with people during the day. I have been connecting with the neighbors. Laura and I get together in the morning regularly, even if just to touch base for a few moments. And Priscilla and I talk whenever she is out. With two kids and third on the way, that doesn't happen so much. Then there's Sharon. She passes by on her daily walks. It was doctor ordered, but it still makes me feel guilty. Thanks, Sharon.

Now that we are working on a remodeling project, I'm never bored. I'm never not interacting with people. In fact sometimes, I'd like a little less interaction, please. I'd like a moment of quiet, please. I vant to be alone...please.

Yes, I am busy...with a capital B. No, make it all caps. I am that busy. And I struggle to get ahead with my writing. And I struggle to take care of everything around the house. And as much as I accomplish on a daily basis, it never quite feels like enough. Until I'm pulling in some big bucks, it won't be enough.

As for connecting, I think about the realization that Sam came to recently.

Sam: I think as you get older, you only have a few good friends. You have your family. You have neighbors. And you have your significant other. And your significant other gets most of your time.

It wasn't a jab. I do get most of his time. Ah, but I deserve it. I give him most of mine. And that's why I'm still puttering along towards completion on my latest novel. Dammit.

Longer hours. That's what it's going to take. Longer hours and resisting the urge to interact with the world. Now, I'm not suggesting I'm going to lock myself in a room with a computer and pull a Howard Hughes. Nor am I going to chain myself to a desk. It simply isn't feasible. Still, I have to develop a better plan for getting things done.

Not answering the door or phone. That could work. Or course the person blowing up my phone the most throughout the day is the same one who's paying me. And he's paying me to be accessible.

For now, I'll just keep plugging away. I'll keep blogging. I'll keep in touch with those I love. PS. Clearly, I love all of you...

Dreamers don't deny it

Or at least...I don't.

Yeah, I'm a year older. And I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it. My age has been such an area of contention through the years with Sam. He never expected to fall for an older woman, especially an older woman with two kids. Yet here we are.

So, I suppose people expected that I would start denying my age. I'm not. I don't need to.

The other day, Sam mentioned that he had spoken with another woman my age who was a friend's wife and she has a lot of lines around her face already.

Sam: See, babe. You're holding up really well.

Yeah. I know this. I've been telling him this for so long that it's about time for him to catch on.

And I've noticed lately how things have changed. He has stopped comparing me to others. He has stopped wondering if he should be with someone else due to factors that can't be changed. He is embracing our relationship in a way that has never happened before.

There's no denying that everything has changed in the best way possible. There is no denying that we are on the right path. There is no denying that we have a big future. There is no denying that it is time to dream bigger...together.

Our ten year plan has expanded to a thirty year plan. He has promised me thirty years. And I want all of them and more. There's no denying my feelings for him and my hopes that all of these plans come to fruition.

What are you dreaming these days?

Dreamers double date!

At least that's what I'm calling it.

We have been planning this excursion to Charleston since before the Memorial Day excursion to Charleston. We were planning on going with Sam's employee and his wife. I wasn't thrilled. Then they made plans to go to Myrtle Beach instead, which I think is a far better plan.

So, I invited Rachel and Austin to come. They liked the idea, but Austin had other commitments. He's a good son. And Rachel didn't want to come without him. I understand. She would have felt like a third wheel.

That meant it was going to be just the two of us. I like it when it's just the two of us sometimes. I love our alone time. And we need it. Alone in Charleston is different from alone at the house. It's more relaxing.

Then, I had a new idea. We've been talking about bringing Lonnie and Lindsay to the boat for so long...why not invite them to join us?

It was something of an executive decision. Nothing is set in stone until I talk to Sam, but it looks good. It looks doable. It looks like it could be fun.

We'll sail some. We'll kick back and relax. We'll swim. We'll grill out. It will be perfect.

We've never gone away with Lonnie and Lindsay before. They've stayed over at the house, but never the boat. And I'm not at all worried. They are so mellow and easy to be with that it will be just what we needed this holiday weekend.

Sending you all love from Charleston. Pray that I dock better this time. Have a safe and happy holiday weekend. Mwah!

Sunday snuggle talks

We had to lay low Sunday evening. The sun wasn't even down when we were in for the night. We had to. It was the gash in Sam's leg that kept us from having the bonfire we had intended. It was the gash that kept us from standing around over at Ed's and visiting with the neighbors. It was the gash that meant I was cooking. Stupid gash.

At the same time...it was the gash that had us lounging around on the couch having some truly lovely talks. Who doesn't need lovely talks?

So, we discussed our future. I wanted to know if our visions were similar. I wanted to know if we still meshed, still wanted the same things. We do.

As much as our views of where our lives were going to go has changed over the last few months, there are still some aspects of the dream that have remained the same. We want to share this life together. We want to sail as much as possible. We want to remodel the house.

It used to be that everything was his idea for his house. Only over the past year, it has become our house. Everything from his mouth is 'our' and 'we.' I need that. I need to know that we are in this together. I need to know that my opinion matters.

He assured me that it does. I get to make the new kitchen design. It's going to be a major overhaul once the money is good. The bathroom comes first. Soon after, the kitchen. Normally, I would express how much I just can't wait...oh, but I can.

Finally, it seems, I am learning patience. I am learning that good things come to those who wait...things like swings. And there's so much more. Oh, but you know how I love surprises. There are tons in store for you. Just wait...

I'm listening

I'm listening to his actions, which speak louder than his words. I'm listening to my heart, that has never steered me wrong. I'm listening to you, who look out for me even from afar.

I hear...the fear. You worry that I forgive too much. You worry that I sell myself short. You worry that he'll never change. You worry that he can't maintain. You worry that he'll simply hurt me again.

All those worries...valid. All of them. All worries I've had myself.

I hear...the hope. Maybe this time he'll figure it out. Maybe this time he'll follow through. Maybe this time he'll realize that it's safe with me...to love, to be loved, to stop holding back. Maybe we really can have everything we want. Maybe.

All those maybes...pieces of hope. I'm feasting on hope.

Most of all...I hear what he's saying with his words and actions. These days, he's talking. He tells me things I already know. He tells me he can't imagine his life with anyone else. He tells me that I'm the only one he lets in, the only one he gives everything to. He tells me that my happiness is the most important thing to him. That's all well and good.

I've heard these things before.

Ah, but then there's his actions. He promised me a swing set so very long ago. I think it was soon after I moved in. In moments of extreme stress, I tend to run to the nearest playground. It is only there that I am able to relax and release. I swing and all is well once more. I am able to function, to think, to move forward, to press on. It's a silly thing, me and swings.

And so he offered to build me a swing set. I didn't ever really expect him to follow through. It's the life of a contractor. They either have time and no money, or money and no time. So time went on and there was no swing. And I never pushed. I had bigger things to worry about than a silly swing.

Then it was Friday. We had just found out the house was saved. He looked at me as we sat on the couch.

Sam: Let's build you that swing set.

me: Okay.

But okay was more like...really?

He told me to design my swing set and decide where to put it. I did. So we went and picked up the lumber. And we picked out the swings. We bought the hardware. We brought it home.

Then Sam and Ed tore down the basketball hoop that was centered right about where the swing set is supposed to go. So far, blood, sweat, and tears. That's right. Sam tore open his calf. Blood was dripping down his leg. It was about 85 degrees and he was covered in sweat. As for the tears...joy. Pure unadulterated joy. He's following through.

Baby steps. One day at a time. Savoring each moment in time. That's what life is all about...relishing the moments.

Plan Sea...still

I'm not giving up. I've listened to your comments. I've listened to my heart. Plan Sea is still a go.

So, I'm making arrangements with the owner. I need to secure the boat. Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. I'm going ahead.

There will be more sailing lessons. I'm really excited about them. The next one was supposed to be a trip to Georgia. I'm really looking forward to it. Why wouldn't I?

I need adventure. I need new experiences. And I can still do that, with or without Sam.

It's funny, but just like I learned with my ex, I'm the one making things happen. I'm the one that has propelled our life in the direction I want to go. I don't need someone else to hold me back or affirm by decisions. I can do this.

And so Plan Sea will proceed. I've spoken to Matt, the dock master, and he assures me that I can spend long weekends on the boat without any problems. And I have been applying for Charleston jobs. And I know that with summer fast upon us, it is imperative that I get moving on learning to sail. I'll be able to sail over to the kids in Myrtle and spend the weekends with them. I can't wait.

Life is going on, just as it should. I'm getting on with my life, just as I should. I don't need a new dream. I just needed to rework my existing dream. And I have. Dream on.

It's coming together

Our passports arrived. We've started sailing lessons. The boat looks like it is actually going to work out. Amazing how a weekend can change so many things.

And because I was feeling so good about it, I contacted the marina. Cooper River Marina is actually perfect for us. We have showers and wi-fi, a mini store, power, and they will sign for packages...which is really great coming from someone who gets A LOT of packages.

So, I contacted the dock master yesterday to find out about the packages. That's when he said that there's a five year waiting list on liveaboard spaces.

I am confused. The boat is already in a liveaboard space. And I pretty much figured that the space conveyed. Now I don't know.

More waiting. I asked him to call me back. Prior discussions were via email. We'll see.

Yet another snafoo. I've come to expect them. Trying to roll with the punches.

On the bright side, we're selling more stuff from the house. We'll be using it to pay for the boat until my money arrives.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

*tooting horns*

By Sam's decree, we will be buying the boat we agreed to buy. *whew*

I talked to a friend last night...

me: It doesn't work to fight with him.

Carrie: Well, what can you do?

me: Normally, I just let him come the right conclusion on his own. He always does. It just takes time.

Our plan isn't as on course as I'd like. We're probably going to be here longer than I'd like, but his reasoning is relatively sound. He wants us to save more money. And he hopes that we will have the money to buy a better boat before we sail off too far.

Fingers crossed, we'll have that better boat.

Personally, I think that will be harder to save the money we need given the high overhead of living in the house. At the same time, we're not ready to sail off. We don't even know how to sail yet. Our passports haven't arrived yet.

And then there's the body...my body. It's not sailing ready either.

I'm hoping that once I'm out of work, I'll have the time to work out more. I'll have time to eat right. It's worked before.

So, we're working on learning to sail. And I'm still building the company. And with some luck, and time, and patience, we'll be setting sail before winter.

I'm not so sad as I thought I'd be, I know that he's my anchor. I'm his compass. Together, we have stability and foresight. We'll be just fine.

It was a long talk

And we did it all by text. We had to. I was at work.

It all began with a conversation Sam had with Rachel in my absence. We haven't been entirely open with our plans. There are too many contingencies. It's a big game of wait and see.

So a thought occurred to me. I don't know what's real anymore. Rather than suffer, I had to know.

me: I know we're trying to save the house, but we really are leaving, right?

Sam: One day

Yeah. Not the answer I wanted. He waffles sometimes. I'm the adventurer, the wanderer. And he's not super good outside of his comfort zone. I'm constantly working to expand it. So, I pressed harder.

me: When the work runs out?

Sam: Yup

Well, shoot. There has barely been any work for the last nine months. And he wasn't exactly over-whelmed with work at the moment.

me: Okay. We keep telling people so many things, I don't know what's true anymore.

Sam: Keeping the house and taking long trips on the boat.

Nope. Not what we planned. Not what I was willing to settle for.

me: Not renting the house and living on the boat?

Sam: We will figure that out later. For now I think we should try to keep the house if at all possible!

Ut oh. An exclamation point. I knew what that meant. He was getting frustrated.

It was twenty minutes before I could respond.

I'm done with Charlotte. It's a perfectly lovely place to live, but it has been ruined for me. The ex has ruined it. I've ruined it. And Sam has ruined it. We can't go anywhere without him being on edge, worrying over who we might run into. We stay home too much. And that sucks because even the neighborhood has been ruined for me.

I could feel my chest tightening thinking about staying here forever or even for six months. It wouldn't work for me. I was going to run. I know me. He knows me, too. So, I warned him.

me: I can't live here anymore. I'm hanging on because there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

And he caved. He recognized the truth of my words.

Sam: I know. We will rent the house if we don't have enough money or time. That is if we can save it?

He wants me more than he wants the house. He wants me and our future even if it means leaving his comfort zone. All was right once more.

me: I love you. I'm trying. We'll do our best.

Later that night, we met with the computer guru. He showed us the site, made notes of any other changes. And when we finally had a moment to relax, we spoke once more.

Sam: I believe in you. You can do this. We're going to make this happen.

He'll be steering the boat, but it looks like I'm the compass for our life. And we're both on board.

The preparations are well under way...

Yesterday we waited in line for an hour outside of the passport office. We were the first in line. When we set our minds to something, we don't play.

Once inside, as prepared as we were, everything fell apart. Yup. The passport papers we filled out after downloading from online were out of date. We had to start over. I filled the information out as quickly and neatly as possible. I didn't want to lose our place.

Then we discovered there were fees that we didn't anticipate. Luckily, Sam had money on his debit card to cover us. Yes, money has been thistight lately.

Still, we walked away after a mere twenty-five minutes with the comfort that our passports would be arriving in 4-6 weeks. Yay! And then...we would be so much closer to being on our way.

In the mean time...we are getting ready for the big yard sale tomorrow morning. Here's hoping that goes well. We're selling...pretty much everything.

It won't go in one foul swoop. We know this. And we are anticipating at least one more yard sale and maybe two more estate sales, in addition to the sales on Craigslist.

It's so exciting.

It's like the ultimate in exfoliating experiences. Only, instead of sloughing off dead skin, we're sloughing off our old life, getting ready to expose a brand spanking new one.

Sam has been musing about this plan of ours lately.

Sam: I'm tired of this place. I'm ready for something new. Why would anyone stay the same place their entire lives?

Tons of people do it. Before me, he probably would have been among them. Most of my family has lived in the same town FOREVER.

Oh, but I like our new ten year plan. And after I reveal what we have in the works, I'm thinking you'll like our new ten year plan, too.

Just give me a few days...maybe a week. Then, I'll divulge just about everything.

And in the meantime, fingers crossed that we have a kick ass yard sale.

Happy Passport Day!

Yup. That's what today is all about.

We're going to be heading out shortly to work on getting our much needed passports. It's something that we have been discussing for some time, but now with our future on steroids...we must go NOW.

See, our life is getting busier and busier. Our time schedule for departure is up in the air based on so many factors out of our control. The only thing we can do is prepare.

So, every day we prepare a little more. We plan a little more. We are doing loads of research.

And I have to tell you...I'm dying to tell you. I really want to Tweet and Facebook and just share our plans all over the web.

But I can't yet.

I'm afraid.

Silly, huh?

These words seem ridiculous coming from a woman who moved 1000 miles in the dark of night with two children depending on her and a pittance to support them. It isn't that I'm afraid of what we're planning. No, that part is wholly exciting.

I'm afraid to speak the words aloud and somehow jinx the plan. I'm afraid that if I speak about it, somehow, it will all blow up in my face and never come to fruition.

Soon. Really soon.

I will gladly reveal all because that's the purpose of this blog. This is the spot I haven't told my friends and family about. This is where I can openly discuss without fear of my dream killers.

But for now...passports.

Blue water=bliss...

When my fiance and I first started dating, we'd spend long hours in his hot tub relaxing and musing about our future. He was determined to leave Charlotte. He even had a plan. A ten year plan at that.

I'm a planner.

Nothing makes me happier than planning and dreaming. The best dream plans are those that involve travel. And his most certainly did.

We were going to work on remodeling his house. And then after ten years, we'd move. He was thinking San Diego...or some part of California...on the coast.

I had never been to California. Neither had he. And I suppose that sounded far off and exotic.

Me, I'm an east coast girl. I dreamed of Florida, maybe The Keys. I dreamed of being somewhere that I could explore happily for a long time. I imagined palm trees and sand and blue water.

Then we broke up. Only just before we broke up, I gave him a lead on a job. Once the job was completed, he offered to pay me for it. The industry standard was roughly ten percent. Only...he gave me a second option.

What if, instead of paying me, we went on a trip together. And I saw a way for us to find our way back to each other. So, I took the trip idea and ran with it. I did all the planning. He did all the paying. In the end, on the budget I was allotted, I managed to get us round trip flights to Miami where we would spend one night before boarding a cruise ship. We would be stopping in Key West and Cozumel. And then, we would have two more days in Miami at another resort before we flew home.

Ten days of bliss. Ten days to see if we could handle being together without killing one another or growing bored.

We weren't bored. We didn't fight. We faced the challenges that come with travel with humor and sarcasm. I fell in love all over again.

It was easy to fall in love with a man who made me towel animals to recreate one of my favorite aspects of the cruise. It was easy to fall in love with a man who indulged my whim of driving The Keys...on Valentine's Day, no less.

That's when his dream of moving to California changed. Instead, we dreamed of blue water. We dreamed of a home in The Keys and a boat to travel by.

They were such pretty dreams. It was such a beautiful plan.