Dreamers make headway

Today.  Today there are true signs of progress. 

It took long enough.

It's so hard when you have the dream all figured out, but just can't quite seem to get there.  Yesterday was a huge fat waste of a day.  I almost brought the laptop thinking that I could get some work done in between all the waiting, but I let Sam talk me out of it.  Big mistake.  Huge mistake.  And it's costing me today...and most likely for the rest of the weekend. 

I have twelve articles to write today.  And I have a product to ship UPS.  And I have some writing to do for the new site.  And I have more paperwork to complete for NACA in an effort to modify our loan.  And if I think really hard, I'm sure I can find about a dozen more things to do.  Actually, with my Swiss cheese brain, I'm probably already forgetting something. 

Bear with me. 

All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I am in the black.  Yup.  My bank account is good.  I'm so happy.  And I may even have a few bucks to spend on the holiday this year.  We'll see.  Big change from last year.

And part of the reason that I am feeling so encouraged is because of the website progress made.  I met with my guru on Wednesday afternoon.  It was...eventful.  Both if his girls were there, but his wife was still working.  So there were plenty of distractions.  They are so cute that I was mostly kept giggling.  And I couldn't help but think about the little girl I'm carrying, of course.  What will she be like?

We made progress on the website.  He hooked me up with a word program.  And I just felt all kinds of productive and ready to go.  I managed to get so much done...even at home.  I installed the printer on my computer.  It's more challenging when all I have on the laptop are USB ports.  So, I have to come up more creative ways of locating the programs I need.  I'm learning.

There have been more emails about the site from the guru.  Looks like we could have it up in no time.  And that's a good thing since people are already looking for ways to make a little extra cash.  I'm here to help.  It's a mutually beneficial relationship. 

More to follow.  Progress is good.

When dreams die

Because sometimes dreams do.

As you know, Sam and I have been struggling for some time now, but yesterday we finally stuck a fork in it. I think it was mostly a mutual decision seven though I was the one who ultimately said the words. He fell off the grid and refused to take my phone calls all day. You don't do that if you want to be together.

He told me later that he hadn't been with another girl, like I suspected. He claims he was only by himself, thinking and driving around. Trust me, the man hates spending money on gas. He drives a truck that guzzles gas. He wasn't driving around. And he claims that he was simply sitting at times in the mall parking lot. He hates that, too. Plus, he has serious credibility issues, since he has lied to my face so many times. I warned him early on that I rarely asked a question I didn't already know the answer to, still he would lie.

So no trust. That will hurt a relationship.

At some point over the past few weeks with him going back on his word yet again, I just fell out of love. (No swingset. No baby making. No wedding.) Yes, as much as it pains me, I can't love him any more. That's when it's really over. Really really really over. I've done the loveless relationship. I didn't struggle through a divorce to get a second chance built on empty promises.

I had to call and cancel the boat. I don't know of any way to buy the boat and get an apartment. The boat, while a liveaboard, is three hours away and I can't live on it full time anyway, only long weekends at most. They have rules. So, there's that.

And because we were supposed to be together forever, I started selling much of my stuff when we moved in. So, I need a washer and dryer. I need living room furniture. I don't have a dining room set, but we never really ate at the kitchen table anyway. I could use a computer desk, though. I imagine I'll be turning the dining room into an office, since I have way more use for that. You know, in the place I don't have yet.

I'm not sad. I'm mostly relieved. Sure, there are things that I'm going to miss...our house that we've remodeled together for three years, the neighborhood I lived in since even before him. I never had security. He never gave that to me. And the relationship itself was so much work. I won't miss that, either. I'll sort of miss having someone to share my dreams with, but he didn't know how to dream big enough. Now it's all on me.

He did manage to hurt me one last time with his words before we parted ways. He told me that I took way more than I gave. Maybe someday he'll see that differently, but the way he calculates things he may not. All I know is that I saved his house. I made the phone calls. I set the appointments. I filled out the paperwork. I faxed and copied and turned it in. All he ever had to do was show up and sign. You're welcome, Sam. Hopefully, someday he'll look back and realize that I was the catalyst that made almost everything not related to work in his life happen.

So, I'm going to be busy. I have to work on my new dreams. I have to work on funding those dreams. If you'd like to help, buy my books loaded on Kindle...and tell all your friends. Tomorrow my week of shameless self-promotion begins. Wish me luck!