When dreams die

Because sometimes dreams do.

As you know, Sam and I have been struggling for some time now, but yesterday we finally stuck a fork in it. I think it was mostly a mutual decision seven though I was the one who ultimately said the words. He fell off the grid and refused to take my phone calls all day. You don't do that if you want to be together.

He told me later that he hadn't been with another girl, like I suspected. He claims he was only by himself, thinking and driving around. Trust me, the man hates spending money on gas. He drives a truck that guzzles gas. He wasn't driving around. And he claims that he was simply sitting at times in the mall parking lot. He hates that, too. Plus, he has serious credibility issues, since he has lied to my face so many times. I warned him early on that I rarely asked a question I didn't already know the answer to, still he would lie.

So no trust. That will hurt a relationship.

At some point over the past few weeks with him going back on his word yet again, I just fell out of love. (No swingset. No baby making. No wedding.) Yes, as much as it pains me, I can't love him any more. That's when it's really over. Really really really over. I've done the loveless relationship. I didn't struggle through a divorce to get a second chance built on empty promises.

I had to call and cancel the boat. I don't know of any way to buy the boat and get an apartment. The boat, while a liveaboard, is three hours away and I can't live on it full time anyway, only long weekends at most. They have rules. So, there's that.

And because we were supposed to be together forever, I started selling much of my stuff when we moved in. So, I need a washer and dryer. I need living room furniture. I don't have a dining room set, but we never really ate at the kitchen table anyway. I could use a computer desk, though. I imagine I'll be turning the dining room into an office, since I have way more use for that. You know, in the place I don't have yet.

I'm not sad. I'm mostly relieved. Sure, there are things that I'm going to miss...our house that we've remodeled together for three years, the neighborhood I lived in since even before him. I never had security. He never gave that to me. And the relationship itself was so much work. I won't miss that, either. I'll sort of miss having someone to share my dreams with, but he didn't know how to dream big enough. Now it's all on me.

He did manage to hurt me one last time with his words before we parted ways. He told me that I took way more than I gave. Maybe someday he'll see that differently, but the way he calculates things he may not. All I know is that I saved his house. I made the phone calls. I set the appointments. I filled out the paperwork. I faxed and copied and turned it in. All he ever had to do was show up and sign. You're welcome, Sam. Hopefully, someday he'll look back and realize that I was the catalyst that made almost everything not related to work in his life happen.

So, I'm going to be busy. I have to work on my new dreams. I have to work on funding those dreams. If you'd like to help, buy my books loaded on Kindle...and tell all your friends. Tomorrow my week of shameless self-promotion begins. Wish me luck!