Dreamers don't settle

The search for new digs is not going well. I have much working against me. I have credit issues and a modest income. I have cats. I need a place big enough for the kids.

That's why I spent last night mostly in tears. All night. And why I'm threatening to cry again this morning. And if I really need to, I'll do it, too. I almost can't help it.

Sam had called me while I was heading out on my lunch to apply at the apartment complex. He wanted us to discuss the boat. Would we be interested in being co-owners? We could own it together until one of us could afford to buy the other out. And I couldn't think about it at the moment. I had to know how much money I needed to move into a new place and furnish it.

But really, I knew I didn't want the boat without him. It was a dream we dreamed together. It would seem hollow and empty not sharing it with him.

I thought I'd have an answer for him after work. Only my answer never came. I never heard from the apartment complex. So, I called them. It wasn't looking good. They would have to speak to the property manager. And let me know...well, today.

And I'm not good living in limbo. I have to have a plan. I struggled with what to do. Sam sat on the lounge chair and I sat on the hearth. We talked as I ran through my limited options. I have blown through so many already. And he said it.

Sam: Just stay here.

Ah, but on what terms? I kept declining. We would talk more. He would discuss our relationship, the issues we had, how he never truly embraced it, how I was so emotional, how I made him crazy. And he wondered over why we couldn't make it work. He brought up our bond and our history.

me: You. It's always you.

And for the first time ever, he acknowledged it.

Sam: Maybe it is me.

I explained to him our life from my perspective.

me: Do you have any idea how hard it has been for me all these years living in the shadow of your exes? I hear about Nessa and her beautiful face as she continued to pop up in our life. Our worst day EVER started because of her. And I have to hear about these amazing bodies that Emily and Melissa have. All I ever wanted was for you to get rid of them and give us a chance. It's hard to be happy, living in fear.

Sam: They weren't an issue for me.

me: Maybe not, but they were an issue for me. I never felt secure. I never felt like you were committed. You never followed through with any of your promises...not even the swingset.

We talked all over the house for hours. He would come over periodically and rub my shoulders, neck and arms. He would wrap himself around me.

Sam: Just stay, Nicki. Stay.

me: I can't be your roommate. I can't be demoted like that. I'll never move on that way.

He nodded, admitting the truth of that statement.

Sam: Seeing you sad kills me. You can't stand being around me, can you?

And the tears began again.

me: I can't. It hurts too much.

It does. All of our talks of what almost was. He told me he wanted to just say that we'd work on things, give it another try, but what sense does that make? If he won't change...it means I can't change. And I need to be happy.

Sam: I'm putting my foot down. You're staying here. I'll build you that swingset. Just don't drive me crazy and I won't drive you crazy.

It's not enough. I need love. I need to feel loved and wanted more than anything in the world. It feeds my soul. I can't settle. I don't know where I'll go, but I know where I can't stay.