The dream is feeling real

I went back to the doctor yesterday.

My nurse is Nicole.  I met her the day I lost our son last year, the day before Thanksgiving.  And so as she works to get me through this pregnancy, we reminisce some.  We talk about our hopes for a happy healthy outcome.

But yesterday was scary.  Nicole had to use the doppler to find the heartbeat.  That's where it went so horribly wrong before.  She couldn't find the heartbeat.

So, I waited expectantly.  It only took a second.  The heartbeat.  It was strong.  It was there.  It was further evidence that I really was going to have a baby and that it wasn't a fast growing tumor that had attached itself to my middle.  And maybe my butt.  My butt seems bigger, too.

There was more blood work.  There was a flu shot.  There were future appointments scheduled.

And all I could think was...it's really happening.  We're really having a baby.

It's still early.  I know that.  So much could still go wrong, but I'm choosing to not think about it, to not dwell on the bad, to focus on the good.

And there's a lot of good.

I had a lovely talk with Sam's dad.  He likes talking to me because...I talk.  Sam gets frustrated easily as we often do with our own parents.  His conversations with his father are limited.  Mine...they last a good half hour.  I catch Dad up on our life.  I caught him up on the pregnancy.  And I bonded.  I genuinely like and love that man.  I'm so lucky I married into such a nice family.

I'm so lucky I married such a loving man.  He's going to be a great father.  And I'm guessing he believes we're really going to have a baby, too.  He's taken to walking around and suddenly saying a name.

Others might be confused, but I know what it means.  He's still picking names.  Of course, he's also still picking boy's names, but still...names.  He refuses to do anything else until he knows with absolute certainty that it's a girl.

He seems to be coming around.  Just yesterday he said something really sweet.

Sam:  She's not allowed to get married until she's forty.

me: Why so late?

Sam: If she marries too young some guy will just take over her life and we'll never see her.  At least if she waits until she's forty, I'll already be dead.

He has only promised me thirty years because he's convinced he's going to die young.  And he's pretty sure that thirty years is pushing it, but I have refused to give him credit for time served.  We're in this for the long haul.  He's my family man.  We're having a baby.

Dreamers glow

Or it could just be the pregnancy.

Honestly, though, I think the pregnancy is only part of it.  Sure, I get told I'm glowing.  Some of Sam's friends ran into us out and about the other day.  And they commented on it.  And they asked how it was all going.  And they were so supportive and understanding.

So, I glow.

And that's not the only change lately.  That's not the only difference.  I glow, but he does, too.


Last night was so good.  He has been so involved in this pregnancy.  I love that every week I get emails telling me what's happening inside me at the moment.  And he sits beside me and wants to know what is going on.  How big is the baby now?  What is new and exciting?  What organs are functioning?  Are the fingers and toes still webbed?

I love those moments.  I love that he always listens and is interested.  He doesn't fake stuff...at least not with me.  So, I always know exactly how he feels and what he's thinking.

He's been super sensitive to me, to my feelings.  He helps me up.  He rubs my back.   He massages my feet.  (And I'm not a foot person, so that is super special.)

And last night, we snuggled into the lounge chair.  We haven't done that in a while.  We watched our shows all cozy.  And the way he looked at me, the way he touched me and rubbed my belly, I have never felt more loved.

I caught him staring at my stomach with this wistful look.  And it melted my heart.  I knew what he was thinking.  I could just see him imagining what was happening inside me.  I saw his hopes and dreams.  I saw him picturing fatherhood, raising a baby, holding and loving on his child.  I saw it all.  And it was beautiful.  If it was even possible, I'd say I loved him even more after that.

Why wouldn't I glow?

And it's always been like that with him.  Even when I wasn't pregnant, he made me glow.  The more he loves me, the more he gives of himself, the brighter I shine.

I'm blessed.  I know this.  I cherish these moments and my life.

More than anything, I encourage you to find something that makes you glow...

Dreamers make the best of their alone time

With three teens in the house, we don't get a lot of alone time.  Really hardly ever.  And so when we had a magic moment of alone time on Sunday night...we decided to make the best of it.

The rest of the weekend had been mostly...meh.  There was the swollen face.  There was the stuck in traffic.  There was a losing football game.  Other than some really good Papa John's and a pork bbq sandwich.  Funny that my highlights are food related.  Or sad.

Regardless...Sunday night...after the losing game and the pizza...after we had watched enough television...we looked at each other.

Sam: You know...the kids are gone.  We should take advantage.

me: What do you have in mind?

Sam: Let's take a bath.  It will be the perfect way to relax before bed.

So we did what we do.  He ran to clean the tub.  I grabbed our towels and a bath salt.  Jennie and George had given us quite the selection at our wedding.  And this was the first time we had a chance to use them.  We've been married a month.

And soon we were in the tub.  He sat in it first, alone.  I scrubbed his back.  He loves having his back scratched.  And then I joined him.

It was lovely.

We didn't stay in long...too hot.  And I didn't completely submerge.  That wasn't the point.  It was just lovely having some sweet and romantic alone time together.

He snuggled me in bed for a bit after that.  And then he snuggled me on the couch for a while more.

Life is good.