The dream is feeling real

I went back to the doctor yesterday.

My nurse is Nicole.  I met her the day I lost our son last year, the day before Thanksgiving.  And so as she works to get me through this pregnancy, we reminisce some.  We talk about our hopes for a happy healthy outcome.

But yesterday was scary.  Nicole had to use the doppler to find the heartbeat.  That's where it went so horribly wrong before.  She couldn't find the heartbeat.

So, I waited expectantly.  It only took a second.  The heartbeat.  It was strong.  It was there.  It was further evidence that I really was going to have a baby and that it wasn't a fast growing tumor that had attached itself to my middle.  And maybe my butt.  My butt seems bigger, too.

There was more blood work.  There was a flu shot.  There were future appointments scheduled.

And all I could think was...it's really happening.  We're really having a baby.

It's still early.  I know that.  So much could still go wrong, but I'm choosing to not think about it, to not dwell on the bad, to focus on the good.

And there's a lot of good.

I had a lovely talk with Sam's dad.  He likes talking to me because...I talk.  Sam gets frustrated easily as we often do with our own parents.  His conversations with his father are limited.  Mine...they last a good half hour.  I catch Dad up on our life.  I caught him up on the pregnancy.  And I bonded.  I genuinely like and love that man.  I'm so lucky I married into such a nice family.

I'm so lucky I married such a loving man.  He's going to be a great father.  And I'm guessing he believes we're really going to have a baby, too.  He's taken to walking around and suddenly saying a name.

Others might be confused, but I know what it means.  He's still picking names.  Of course, he's also still picking boy's names, but still...names.  He refuses to do anything else until he knows with absolute certainty that it's a girl.

He seems to be coming around.  Just yesterday he said something really sweet.

Sam:  She's not allowed to get married until she's forty.

me: Why so late?

Sam: If she marries too young some guy will just take over her life and we'll never see her.  At least if she waits until she's forty, I'll already be dead.

He has only promised me thirty years because he's convinced he's going to die young.  And he's pretty sure that thirty years is pushing it, but I have refused to give him credit for time served.  We're in this for the long haul.  He's my family man.  We're having a baby.