Dreamers re-group and re-evaluate

That's what I'm doing.

And you are going to be so annoyed with me by the vagueness of this post.  My apologies in advance.  I have a lot going on right now...hence the re-grouping and re-evaluating.

Rachel and I are no more.  How can that be, you may wonder.  She is, after all, my daughter.

Well, she is my daughter who made a series of bad decisions that have negatively impacted my life.  She has treated me like poo to be scraped off her shoe.  And worse.  And more.  Much much more.


While I would love to reveal all, I can't.  It won't help.  It will keep me angry and hurt and upset.  And quite frankly, now is not the time for me to be under a great deal of stress.  She knows this and doesn't care.  She's become unbelievably self-centered.

And she moved out...under horrible circumstances.

Quite honestly, I can't think of many more bad choices she could have made or how much larger a gap she could have created between us.  It's making the Grand Canyon seem downright tiny.

I don't know how she can ever fix things after what she said and did.  And quite frankly, right now, I don't want to.  I need time and space...to re-group and re-evaluate.  I am second guessing myself.

And then there's Keenan, who has admitted to rather liking being the only child.  He seems to be loving life.  He's happier and more outgoing with us.  And when we questioned it, he admitted he simply tried to stay out of the drama in the past.  Yes, Rachel=drama.

So, to have Keenan and Sam give me reassurances has been great.

me: Where did I go wrong?  What did I do to deserve being treated this way?

Sam: It's not you, it's her.  And hopefully, she'll grow out of it in a few years.  Until then, let her go.

For my sake, for my health...I'm doing just that.  I'm staying busy giving love to those who want my love.  I made a Red Velvet Cake for my guys last night.  They loved it.  And while I was frosting the cake with their favorite cream cheese frosting, Keenan came up behind me and gave me a hug.  He towers over me now.  Dammit.  And he's only almost 14.  In fact, Sam only has a few inches on him.

Keenan: I love you.  You are a tremendous mother.

He always knows how to make me feel better.  That's his super power.

Then there was Sam, who after stewing for hours, going to bed angry, waking up and getting angry all over again, came to me and hugged me before he left.

Sam: I love you.  You are so loved.  Never forget that.

So, that's what I cling to.  That's what I hold onto when I threaten to get sad or angry.  I am loved.  I really am a good mom.  To quote Sam, she's 17 and off the reservation.  Maybe she'll eventually come around, but she has some serious making up to do.

Until then, life moves on and I'm still a part of it.