Dreamers help others achieve their dreams

I'm just as relaxed as Kenna.

We have been truly busy lately.  There is a lot involved with having a baby in the hospital and trying to get the house ready for the baby's arrival.  And there aren't many ways that people can help.

I have had offers to cook meals, but Sam is a picky eater and we usually decide what to eat last minute.  And that is good enough for us.  And other than a maid, I don't want anyone else but us cleaning our house.  It doesn't matter if I'm a bit slack at the moment.  It doesn't matter if people disapprove.  It will be clean when Kenna gets home.  I've got it covered.

And really, all we want is to have as normal a life as possible interspersed with daily hospital visits.  That's what works for us.  We don't dwell on her being in the hospital.  We had our routine down and we like it.  That's it.

So, while we're waiting, we're building our business and we're trying to help others with theirs.  We haven't spoken to Spring and Jay in a while, but they have been back in our lives recently.  And I'd like to do what I can to help them with their business.  We spoke just the other day about the importance of using Angie's List.  And they are eager to give it a shot.

Angie's list has been very good to us.  We have had three jobs from that one single source so far this year.  And we're hoping this means that our year is going to be looking up.  That's what we need.

And I truly believe that the good we do comes back to us.  Jay and Spring could use the help, so we're trying to help them.  And with good reason.  They deserve it, too.  Spring and I have known each other since we were struggling through our divorces.  And we were just starting to date Sam and Jay.  They were roommates back then.  It was a golden time in my life.  As bad as it was, we had our built in family.  Our two families, kids included, living together and hanging out together on weekends.  I loved it.

Is it any wonder that I want them to achieve financial success in their yard business?  It shouldn't be.  I want good things for everyone.

So, I'll be working with Spring to get the Angie's List going.  And I'll be working with Jay to figure out some potential deals.  And I'll be encouraging them every way I know how.

I give Kenna plenty of encouragement, but I have more to offer.  Why I even tried to encourage Keenan last night.  He has a paper to work on.

Keenan: It's okay, mom.  They give us time to do it in class.

me: Wow.  They do everything to ensure your success, but write it for you, huh?

He just laughed.

So, I'll just stay on top of things.  I'll offer up all the love I have.  (It's a lot.)  And I'll keep doing what I've been doing.  It's working so far. 

Dreamers deal with immaturity

It takes a lot to ruffle me these days.  And even this isn't doing it.

This is a big week for Kenna. 

She is on higher calorie dosage.  She is taking even larger feedings.  And so far...she is tolerating everything.

Tomorrow she has her first eye exam.  I'm ready for it.  I am thrilled that one of her primaries will have her that day.  I needed that.  I know how traumatic the experience can be.  They told me that she would have Versed in advance to relax her.  I hope so.  And I may still camp out there.  That's what mommies do.

Ah, and then there's today.

Today is lab work day.  We need to see how her liver functions are doing.  We need to see how her CBC looks.  It could mean another transfusion. 

All I know is that we were there for her blood gas yesterday.  It was a little rough.  She's older and wiser than the last time I saw her get her blood gases drawn.  Kenna knew what was going to happen as soon as the warmer hit her heel.  She puckered.  Her brow furrowed.  And it was a bit unsettling to watch.

Somehow we ended up on the topic of babies and shots.  I looked at Sam as we crowded around the womb room.

me: I've been known to cry when they get their shots.

Sam: You cry?

me: Yup.  Just wait.  They look at you like you're some kind of traitor standing there while they are hurting...not stopping the pain.  So, yeah, I cry.  And then I take them home and snuggle them and drug them with ibuprofen to take all the hurt away.

Only I can't take away the immaturity.  I can't take away the hurt associated with being born too soon.  I can't do anything about Kenna's lungs.

And so we hope that the protein powder added to her milk will work a miracle and help them mature, something they didn't have a chance to do inside me.  And we hope that she gets to the place where she can breathe on her own, sooner, rather than later.  And we're as patient as can be while we wait.

It could be so much worse.  Really, we are blessed.

The first seven weeks flew by...

It's amazing to me that it has been so long already.  It really has passed so quickly.  Really.

It seems like just yesterday that I was at the doctor and then the hospital.  And I remember how frustrated I was that there wasn't more of a sense of urgency about getting me checked in and assessed.  I remember hearing those words in my head that the ultrasound tech had expressed.  My baby was in distress.

I remember how quickly the day passed as we prepared to bring Kenna into this world.  Time simply flew by.  And before long, she was born, and Sam was everywhere and I was being wheeled into the NICU.  Though I couldn't see all of her, those feet were moving.  It gave me hope and built confidence that she was going to make it.

And here we are, seven weeks later.  Kenna is doing well.  She isn't thriving yet, but she is better, improving some every day.

The doctors are enriching her milk even more.  It makes me giggle to think that three calories, the equivalent of two TicTacs, can make such a difference, but apparently it does.  Kenna has been gaining weight.  Finally.  She now weighs in at a hefty 1lb 10.8oz.  She's a chunkster.

The last few visits have been very exciting for me.  She hasn't looked as gangly because she is starting, ever so slightly, to fill out.  Lately, to me, she looks just like a miniature version of a real live baby.  It's really nice.

I worry less.  I grill the doctors less.  I bother the nurses less.  And yet I couldn't care more.  I'm so very happy.  Kenna is our little miracle.  We're so blessed to have her.  And these days, we're so encouraged by her progress that we are getting serious about her homecoming.  Not only do we have just about all the basics together, but we are finishing a few projects.  We need to make the home Kenna friendly.  We have a baby with lung disease to consider.  So, we're considering.

And most of all, I'm considering how blessed we are.  This could have gone horribly wrong.  We could have lost her.  Instead, seven weeks later, she's still kicking.  We still have our baby girl.  Grow, Kenna, grow!

Dreamers survive the side effects

I have often joked that when they have these commercials on television for prescription drugs that the cure is almost worse that the condition.  The side effects are usually really unpleasant.  And here I am, on my second dose of this milk medicine, suffering my own host of side effects.

Some of them are just irritating...like the nausea and the other bodily functions we don't speak about.  And I can deal with that.  Only in the last few days, I have developed a rash.  It started on my chest.  If ever I am going to get a rash, that's where it starts.  And since then, it has spread.  I'm beginning to completely understand that wildfire analogy.

The rash has turned burny and itchy.  Seriously.  And when I looked up the potential side effects that I needed to be watching for, I discovered that the rash alone is considered severe and I should seek medical attention.

Well, I was at the doctor on Wednesday and I told my doctor.  She didn't seem overly concerned.

doctor: This is the last course we can give you of this.  Long term use can lead to Parkinson-like tremors that never go away.

me: Oh good, something to look forward to.

So, I went home.  And the rash has since grown worse.  On the bright side, it's not on my face.  And it will go away.  I hope.

Two more days.

The milk supply is super duper good.  And I am stock piling like a fiend.  Every drop is sacred.  Kenna should be able to nurse in a few weeks.

I'm thinking as long as I don't get the worse worse side effects...difficulty breathing and tightening of the chest, I'll be just fine.  As long as Kenna gets her nutrition, she'll be fine.

We're survivors.

Kenna, she's feisty.  Why, just overnight she decided to extubate herself.  Her nurse explained that she rolled over and the tub didn't make it the journey.  I love these stories.  And we have some lovely pictures of Kangaroo Care to share taken just last night, before the tube incident.  You can find them here.

Dreamers reconnect

A Nicki and Pippi pedicure...

Not me and Sam.  We're good.  We stay connected.

Instead, this is about friends.

See, when I was working, I had a lot more in real life friends.  They were all around.  We ate lunch together.  We traveled some.  We had pedicures.  It was good.  Really.

And then I started working from home.

When you change jobs or move, you suddenly realize whether friends were actual friends or simply work friends or neighbors.  The difference, all boiled down to simplicity, is whether or not you see each other outside of work or outside of the neighborhood...whether you ever see each other again.

I've had to really work at staying close to those I care about.  Like Pippi.

Some of you may recall that clever blogger.  We discovered that she lived in Charlotte, like me.  In fact, she even lived in South Charlotte, like me.  And she loved Starbucks...like me AGAIN.  So we met there one day.  And we became friends in real life.

We would get together for the pedicures.  We talked and texted and emailed.  We really connected.  She applauded my desire to leave my job, buy a boat, and build my dream future.  We did a great job of staying in touch until...sometime after the wedding.

Both of us became busy.  And it's easy to get wrapped up in our own lives, to forget to reach out to others.  It's important to not get so busy that friendship is a casualty of life.  Because there is nothing that keeps me happier or stronger than those I surround myself with.  So, I did it. 

A week or so ago, I contacted her by text.  I thought I'd feel her out, see if she was still interested in being my friend...in real life or online.  And we finally talked.  We finally connected...or in our case...reconnected.

We had much to talk about.  Let's face it, life can change a lot in a short period of time.  Or maybe that's just how my life goes.

Then Pippi did what she always does.  She challenged me.  She encouraged me.  She thinks I should write a book about this experience...of having Kenna, of raising a preemie, of life in the NICU, of how to survive.

It made me think about it, too.  Really think.  Really consider.

Now you know me.  Do I seem like the kind of person who would just go along writing books about her life experiences?  Yeah.  I sure would.  So, I'm mulling it over.  And if I think that I have enough to say, anything interesting to say, and can help others, I'll get right on it.

Thank you, Pippi.  Thank you for always being my friend.  Thank you for being you.

The lesson here isn't about the new project.  The lesson here is how important it is to keep friends in our life, to keep working on relationships, to remember what really matters.  Without my friends and family, I never would have made it through this challenging time with Kenna.  We are taught that there is safety in numbers growing up, but we forget that lesson.  One is the loneliest number, but we often lose touch with what matters.

Who have you let go?  Who has drifted away?  Don't be afraid to reach out.  It can make huge difference in your life.

Dreamers don't dwell...

I know there are people that imagine I must.  They see when I vent for a moment or when I share a not so secret fear.  I suppose they think that because I wrote it down, I focus on it non-stop.

Nope.

The magic of writing is that once I write it, I'm over it.  Seriously.  I write it down, I get it all out, and then I don't have to worry about it any more.

That's how I get through life.  I like it that way.  Really.  I like not focusing on the negative.  And that may be why I am surviving Kenna's time in the NICU.

When I get worried, I write it down.  I share it on Facebook.  And then it is over for me.

I can't sit around and worry.  That is negative and counterproductive.  I can't dwell on any of that.

So, if we talk in real life, and you assume that I'm in a bad place because I wrote something sad...I'm probably not.  Whatever was going on in that moment, stays in that moment.  It's like a Vegas state of mind.  Really.  And it works.

At the moment...see...moment...Kenna is doing okay.  She has an IV in her head that would bother most parents, but since I've seen them before and hers has a bow on it...no worries.  She may not even have it next time I visit.  She only needed it for the antibiotics.  Or maybe they will have taken the one out of her arm that was hooked around her hand and she'll just have the head one, since it's newer.  That's the route I'd take, if the nurses asked.  She did a fine job of trying to remove the arm IV on her own.

And Kenna doesn't have an infection, but her chronic lung disease is playing a part in her breathing difficulties, that and the PDA.  Oh, and they won't try to do anything about the PDA until she shows signs of heart problems...like congestive heart failure.  That's what they tell me.  And I'm really looking forward to that.

See, I could go and get really negative, focus on all the many things that are wrong, ways that Kenna isn't like the regular newborn babies.  What good would that do?  For one thing, I don't have it in me.  I don't care that she's not like everyone else.  Instead, I rejoice that she's here, our little miracle.  And I don't care that every day is a new high or new low.  I'm used to living that way.  And we've had so many more highs than lows.

The bulk of what's going on with Kenna is out of our control.  So, I focus on what I can control...supplying her with milk, visiting her daily, and keeping up with what's happening.  The rest, I let go.  That's it.  I let it go.  And that's why I can be happy every day.  That's what Kenna needs.  She doesn't need a mother coming in all tense and scared and worrying over her.  She needs my visits to be like a party, something to look forward to.  She needs to hear my voice and be excited, knowing that I'm excited to see her.  She doesn't need to dread my visits because I could be crying or sad or unhappy.

There is a method to my life.  And it's one that I'm both comfortable with and good at maintaining.  This is why she has a strong spirit and the best cheering section and is wrapped daily in love.  I love her with abandon.  I don't hold back.  I find plenty to be happy about.  And I don't dwell.

Dreamers don't mean to disappoint...

Really I don't.

Ah, but lately, I feel like it's all I do.  I'm being stretched so many different directions.  And I'm frustrated because I don't feel like I'm accomplishing much of anything these days.  I really don't.

I've spent the last few days working with Sam on finishing his window job.  The family is lovely, but the woman wanted to talk to Sam the entire time, which meant that he couldn't get any work done.  So, I went and talked with her.  And that meant that I didn't get any work done.

I need to get work done.

I literally worked out of the car for part of the day on Saturday.  I had the laptop on the seat, while I stood outside the vehicle and typed.  It wasn't fun.  It wasn't comfortable.  Ah, but it was necessary.  And it may be the only way I managed to accomplish the SEO articles.

Lately, I have been missing deadlines left and right.  I have a deadline for two Fiverr tasks.  And my heart isn't in it...because my heart is mostly at the hospital.  I would camp out there if I could.  There should be no reason to question my dedication to my child.  I am, after all, currently covered in a rash from the milk meds.  Yup.  It was one of the warnings.  And considering the many things that can go horribly wrong from the meds, and if I had to have one...I'm rather glad this is it.

The house needs attention.  It is never entirely clean at once any more.  I cleaned Keenan's bathroom on Friday.  The house was vacuumed on Thursday.  Saturday I was on the job site.  And I grocery shopped Sunday.  There is still plenty to do, but who knows when I will actually get it done.  I figure a task a day will keep the dust bunnies away.  So...I guess I should dust today?

Really, I should probably stop being so hard on myself and just give it a chance to come together.  Because I know it will in time.  And in the scheme of things, being there for Kenna counts so much more than all of this.

She's better today than she was yesterday.  And we'll see what tomorrow brings.  For now, I'll take life one day at a time and stop being so hard on myself.  This, too, shall pass.  And those who love me understand.