Dreamers chillax

Even frogs know how to kick back once in a while!

It was weird.

Keenan left Thursday.  He has been with us for three weeks, so it was strange suddenly not having him around.  I woke up this morning thinking about what we would have for our breakfast together.  And when I remembered he wasn't here, I kind of lost interest.  The new hulking purple vitamin I'm choking down ought to hold me over for a while anyway.

So, I decided to get to work.  I have plenty to do.  My orders are backing up on Fiverr.  I'm thinking of changing some of my offerings.  I thought the fairy tale was a good idea, but it so time consuming.  And I don't have time to be bogged down for $5 a gig.  So, I'm going to remove that one as soon as I finish this order.  There are other ones that I'd like to give a try.

And since I don't have anywhere I really have to go today and since Sam inferred that he wouldn't be home until after dark, I'm thinking that I have a good nearly twelve hours to accomplish a ton of work.  And that's good...since I have a ton to do.

November is just around the corner.  And I am so excited at what it all means.  It could be a really big deal.  I could position myself to be right where I want to be in January, having a strong start to the new year.  I predict it's going to be our best year yet.

All I really need to do is learn to chillax more.  You know...chill and relax...all at the same time.  I thought about it some and I don't know if I was ever good at it.  It's not in my nature.

Yet, these days, my body demands more chillaxing take place.  So, I'm learning.  I'm learning that if I don't get things done immediately, they will still be there later.  I'm learning that if I don't have the energy to do something, it's okay to put my feet up, to shut down, to rest and rejuvenate.  I'm learning.  The world won't fall apart if I can't give it my normal 110%.  Life will carry on.  The family will still be there.

So, take time to chillax.  Listen to your body.  Respect what you need to do.  And let go of the guilt.  There's no guilt in chillaxing, only rejuvenating the mind and body.

You've got this...

The dream is feeling real

I went back to the doctor yesterday.

My nurse is Nicole.  I met her the day I lost our son last year, the day before Thanksgiving.  And so as she works to get me through this pregnancy, we reminisce some.  We talk about our hopes for a happy healthy outcome.

But yesterday was scary.  Nicole had to use the doppler to find the heartbeat.  That's where it went so horribly wrong before.  She couldn't find the heartbeat.

So, I waited expectantly.  It only took a second.  The heartbeat.  It was strong.  It was there.  It was further evidence that I really was going to have a baby and that it wasn't a fast growing tumor that had attached itself to my middle.  And maybe my butt.  My butt seems bigger, too.

There was more blood work.  There was a flu shot.  There were future appointments scheduled.

And all I could think was...it's really happening.  We're really having a baby.

It's still early.  I know that.  So much could still go wrong, but I'm choosing to not think about it, to not dwell on the bad, to focus on the good.

And there's a lot of good.

I had a lovely talk with Sam's dad.  He likes talking to me because...I talk.  Sam gets frustrated easily as we often do with our own parents.  His conversations with his father are limited.  Mine...they last a good half hour.  I catch Dad up on our life.  I caught him up on the pregnancy.  And I bonded.  I genuinely like and love that man.  I'm so lucky I married into such a nice family.

I'm so lucky I married such a loving man.  He's going to be a great father.  And I'm guessing he believes we're really going to have a baby, too.  He's taken to walking around and suddenly saying a name.

Others might be confused, but I know what it means.  He's still picking names.  Of course, he's also still picking boy's names, but still...names.  He refuses to do anything else until he knows with absolute certainty that it's a girl.

He seems to be coming around.  Just yesterday he said something really sweet.

Sam:  She's not allowed to get married until she's forty.

me: Why so late?

Sam: If she marries too young some guy will just take over her life and we'll never see her.  At least if she waits until she's forty, I'll already be dead.

He has only promised me thirty years because he's convinced he's going to die young.  And he's pretty sure that thirty years is pushing it, but I have refused to give him credit for time served.  We're in this for the long haul.  He's my family man.  We're having a baby.

Dreamers modify their dreams

So, last spring I started a company.  I really believed in it.  I thought it had promise.

Sure, there were concerns that it wouldn't make it.  All new businesses have that concern.  It seemed like I was really going to make a go of it at first, but then...business slacked off.  I blamed it on a number of reasons...not the least of which was that it was difficult, maybe even nearly impossible to make a company grow when you are already working for another company full-time, running a home, raising two kids, taking care of a bevy of animals, and have a fiance who also needs time and attention...personally and professionally.

Yeah, so it failed.  Or just fizzled.  Regardless of the description, the result was the same.

The theory was good.  I was offering to do some social marketing for companies at a very reasonable rate.  the execution was good.  I had a new website made.  I opened accounts for everything I had to do.  New emails to manage, new YouTube to manage, new Twitter, new Facebook, new Flickr.  I was dying.  It was too much.  Or it was too much for me.  Add to that the need to find companies to work with...

Well, you know where this is going.

And it's now fall.  Six months later.  By now I thought the business would be well-established and we'd be preparing to go south, at least as far as The Keys, maybe farther.  We bought the boat.  (You know, the one that demasted and nearly killed us over Fourth of July.)  We had some really big plans.

Plans change.  And dreams get adjusted.  And eventually, dreamers find new dreams, find ways to modify their existing dreams.  We have to.

I still believe after all these years that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that all the bad and all the suffering lead to something good.  It always has in my life.  Or maybe I'm just super at finding that silver lining and seeing life through rose colored glasses.  Hey, whatever works and keeps me sane, right?

Well, I have a new direction to take the business.  I just have to get my computer guru on board.  I'm working on that as we speak.  Wish me luck.  And with that luck, we'll coast through winter.  We'll soar into spring.  And we'll be making all our dreams come true.

Details to follow of course.  Hugs!

Dreamers work together

Lately, there has been a new phenomenon.  Keenan has really become a member of the family.  He admitted to hiding out in his room a lot because of Rachel.  Now he's out and about.

We're loving it.

We have been having breakfast together every morning.  It's a standing date.  The other morning it was a real challenge.

We couldn't open the milk.

Sounds simple enough, right?  We made hot chocolate.  It was steaming hot.  We needed to leave room for the milk.

No matter what Keenan and I tried, we couldn't get it open.  Seriously.

Keenan: What's going on?  I don't get it.

Yeah, I was baffled, too.

We tried everything.  We tried a knife.  (And no one died!)  We tried having Keenan turn the top while I turned the bottom.  We tried all kind of tools and objects.

me: You realized we're not that far removed from monkeys right now, right?

And we started beating about our bodies and making frustrated monkey noises.  Finally, we gave up.

me: Okay, on the bright side...the hot chocolate is cool enough to drink now.  And Sam will be home later to open the milk.

Then I patted my belly.

me: Sorry, kid.  We'll have cheese and ice cream instead of chocolate milk today.

And it's not like that is any kind of trade off.  I love cheese.  And the ice cream is chocolate.  Yummmm.

Oh, and these moments with Keenan...super special.  I am blessed.  Oh, and knowing that I have Sam as additional support...perfect.

Dreamers do what they have to for their dreams to come true

Sam is stressing.

I know Sam is stressing.  I can tell Sam is stressing.  When he stresses, all he does is find fault with me.  And while I'm not perfect, I'm pretty awesome.  And given my pregnancy hormones, I'm not able to shake it all off like I normally would.

We've had a few conversations about how the hormones are affecting me, how pregnancy has turned my brain into swiss cheese.  We have discussed that he shouldn't simply tell me stuff when I have no place to write it down because I genuinely forget it.  We have even talked about how he has to bring his needs and wants to me before say....8pm.

But that hasn't been happening lately.  And I've been frustrated.

Take the other night when at nearly 10pm he decided he wanted the door hangers to have the address for the house he was doing the NEXT MORNING.  Yeah.  I was not pleased.

It resulted in a lecture about how I was supposed to be on top of things and that this is why he had me quit my job...oh, and my favorite part, that I wasn't living up to my end of the bargain.  Really?

It's because of my efforts that we have door hangers and personalized Visa gift cards to give as a referral gift and that all our books are together and online.  I'm the one who talks to the bulk of the companies we deal with and handles the emails and insurance and all the other unpleasantness.  Yes, he has a lot to cope with, but I do, too.  Dammit.  And I'm having trouble maintaining my Susie Sunshine at the moment.

The door hangers were modified and we stuck the labels on 210 of them last night.  They look good.  It was a good idea.  It's also an idea that should have been dealt with before 10pm.  We're developing our protocol.  It won't happen again because now I know what he wants and how he wants things done in that department.  Oh, but last night was rough.

And today isn't looking much better.  I have to drive about an hour each way to see one of our homeowners, pick up our signs and drop off her gift card.  She said some very nice things about us online.

Today I have to fight with the insurance company who is trying to overcharge us for workman's comp and liability.  It's going to get ugly.  I heard how the agent was speaking to Sam on the phone and I'm ready.  I've rolled up my sleeves, gathered my documentation, and I'm prepared to let him have it, if necessary.

And I'm working on finding us some sponsorship.  The local Fox network wants to help us with marketing...TV commercials.  They even want to use Bishop.  Of course.  So, we're trying to scrape together the money to make that happen.  It could be good for branding and building the company.

These stressful times will one day seem a bad and distant memory.  I have to believe that's true.  And all my hard work and all the challenges we face are only going to make us stronger, make the company all the more worthwhile and make our victories taste sweeter.

I'm ready already.  And in the meantime I'll take all the suggestions and help I can get.

Dreamers glow

Or it could just be the pregnancy.

Honestly, though, I think the pregnancy is only part of it.  Sure, I get told I'm glowing.  Some of Sam's friends ran into us out and about the other day.  And they commented on it.  And they asked how it was all going.  And they were so supportive and understanding.

So, I glow.

And that's not the only change lately.  That's not the only difference.  I glow, but he does, too.


Last night was so good.  He has been so involved in this pregnancy.  I love that every week I get emails telling me what's happening inside me at the moment.  And he sits beside me and wants to know what is going on.  How big is the baby now?  What is new and exciting?  What organs are functioning?  Are the fingers and toes still webbed?

I love those moments.  I love that he always listens and is interested.  He doesn't fake stuff...at least not with me.  So, I always know exactly how he feels and what he's thinking.

He's been super sensitive to me, to my feelings.  He helps me up.  He rubs my back.   He massages my feet.  (And I'm not a foot person, so that is super special.)

And last night, we snuggled into the lounge chair.  We haven't done that in a while.  We watched our shows all cozy.  And the way he looked at me, the way he touched me and rubbed my belly, I have never felt more loved.

I caught him staring at my stomach with this wistful look.  And it melted my heart.  I knew what he was thinking.  I could just see him imagining what was happening inside me.  I saw his hopes and dreams.  I saw him picturing fatherhood, raising a baby, holding and loving on his child.  I saw it all.  And it was beautiful.  If it was even possible, I'd say I loved him even more after that.

Why wouldn't I glow?

And it's always been like that with him.  Even when I wasn't pregnant, he made me glow.  The more he loves me, the more he gives of himself, the brighter I shine.

I'm blessed.  I know this.  I cherish these moments and my life.

More than anything, I encourage you to find something that makes you glow...

Dreamers find serenity

Oh, you all know it...the serenity prayer.  And it's so true.

I have been inundated with so much crap lately.  It's been challenging to hold it together.  With my raging hormones, everything has hurt so much more than it normally would.  Sam came home later than anticipated the other day...by a whole thirty minutes...leaving me to feel abandoned and stressed.  I couldn't answer these work questions without him.  And I was really feeling the need for some TLC.

I get like that sometimes.  More than sometimes lately...

It had been days of fighting with Rachel, arguing with my ex.  It had been days of drama.  And at the same time, I was trying to carry on and complete necessary tasks.

When life gets like that, I just want to get all turtley.  I want to hide in my shell.  I don't want to interact.  I just want to be left alone.  Only there was no alone to be found.

For some reason, I always believe that I can work things out with my words.  And so it is particularly frustrating when my words go unheard, when people refuse to listen.  That's when the dwelling begins.

But I don't have time to dwell.  I don't have time to be upset.  And I don't like the distraction.  I need to be calm and centered and relaxed now more than ever.  No need to bake a tense and angry baby.

And that's when I have to dig deep to remember.  I can only control so much.  The rest, I must accept.  I preach acceptance in love.  I truly believe in it.  Oh, but it so much harder to accept that some of these things are uncontrollable.

So, I carry on with my life.  I work to make the best life possible for Sam and Keenan and Bishop.  Sophie has never returned.  And Rachel hasn't either.

We're doing okay.  Some days are way better than okay.  And those that aren't...I'm letting go.