Dreamers embrace routines

One of us is way more excited about this walk than the other.

It has taken some getting used to.

We waited forever for Kenna to come home.  And we worked our butts off to make it happen.

We struggled to make the home ready for her, safe for her.  We struggled to learn how to care for her, since this little one came home with hardware and pumps and monitors...oh my.

It wasn't easy.

Ah, but we know that anything worth having is worth working for.  Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  We don't do anything halfway.

So we threw ourselves into being Kenna's parents.  And it worked.  Kenna is thriving.  We are thoroughly exhausted.  Finally we have managed to get organized.  We have managed to establish a routine.

Parents live and die by routines.

In having a routine, I am able to accomplish more.  I am writing more for Yahoo!.  I am writing maintaining Suddenly *Not So *Single Journey five days a week again.  I'm even dabbling over here, rekindling my dreams.

Most importantly...I have started exercising again.

Technically, I started two weeks ago.  I worked out twice that week.  I hurt so bad, I took the weekend off and most of the following week.  I managed to exercise again twice that week.  But on Monday, I vowed to start the week right.  I wanted Kenna to get some fresh air.  So, I am walking with my little girl.  She mostly sleeps in the stroller.  And I'm good with that.

I have even managed to get more work done around the house.  We are organizing and remodeling...for a change.  And it is starting to feel comfortable to me.  I needed that...on account of I spend so much time at home.  

Before I know it, life will be a comfortable new normal.  I'll be back in my writing groove.   I'll be feeling fabulous about our year.  I hate feeling like I am wasting time.  Time...is precious.  And time with family and friends...even more precious.

Hope you have time for family and friends and that your routines let you grow.

Dreamers believe...

Make your life full of sunshine and rainbows.

There was a post I read on Facebook yesterday:

Having a sad afternoon. Overwhelmed by both the mass media and by individuals and groups very nearby. Feeling like those who are greedy and selfish really do out number those who are giving and compassionate.

The post made me sad.  

I don't believe that for one moment.  How could I?

For the most part, I am blessed to be surrounded by good people.  The reason for this is that I have no room in my life for bad people.  They drain the happy and the positive energy.  They create a black cloud and take up space in my head that I need for other things.

I believe that the mass media is too quick to report all the bad stuff going on in the world and sensationalize it.  I think this is why so often the bad seems overwhelming.  So, I have all but stopped watching the news.  Too much negativity.

There is good all around us, everywhere, every day.  We just need to dig deep and search.  And the funny thing is that once we start practicing that, it is easier to do.  It takes less effort to find the good.

Yesterday, I was sad and overwhelmed.  I took my moment to grieve, to let it all go, and then I worked to find my happy.  It didn't take much.  Kenna is doing so well.  I credit all the love and attention she receives in our care.  We have patiently and diligently worked to make our home comfortable and esthetically pleasing.  I am blessed with a loving and supportive husband who is great at talking through everything with me.  We share common goals and dreams.  We make beautiful plans.

Yes, there are bad people in this world.  Yes, bad things happen.  It's all how I choose to react to it that makes the impact on my life.  It's all about who I choose to share my life with.  It's okay to be selective.  It's okay to let people go.  It's important to make the changes that will help me get where I want to be and have a life I'm proud of, a life that makes me happy, a life where I can share happiness with those I love.

Feel like there are too many bad people in the world?  Make sure you eliminate the bad people from your world and you'll feel much better. 

When dreams are placed on hiatus...

Meet our little dreamer. Kenna is a very big adventure.

I started this blog about a year and a half ago as Sam and I were researching our options.  We knew that we wanted a different life, a better life, a life less ordinary.  Winter is always a rough time in the construction business and we have months of down time.  Yes, MONTHS.

Now you might think this is wonderful.  Oh, but we are purpose driven creatures.  And when Sam suddenly has no purpose, things get tense.  He frets.  He frowns.  He is no joy to be around.  And still, I love him through it.

We were looking at living those down months...elsewhere.  We toyed with the idea of owning a sailboat, traveling the Caribbean, making a living online.  Then we soon discovered that we weren't meant to sail.

While there is something truly beautiful about sailboats...and we loved ours...a 27ft Lancer...there is more to it than that.  They are a lot of work.  Sailing is no small task.  It's not all pretty sails and sunshine.  Nope, there is docking...which after crashing over Memorial Day we realized we clearly sucked at.  There is a lot of maintenance.  And so many things can go wrong no matter how well you prepare.  This we discovered over Fourth of July when despite leaving at the perfect time for the tidal charts, despite having an experienced sailor with us, and despite having plenty of gas, we were dead in the water when a u-bold broke that held the front stay and our entire mast, jib, and main, came down.

It seemed like we were destined for adventures on land, or by cruise ship.  And cruise ships aren't cheap.

We started a new adventure: marriage.  We just celebrated our first anniversary on Monday.  And with that new adventure, we decided to get to work on the biggest adventure of all: raising a child together.  Kenna was easy to make, but ridiculously hard to come by.  She was born 16 weeks too soon after weeks of bed rest and tons of complications. 

I wouldn't change a moment of it.  How could I?  Because of all we've been through together, that baby and I have a special bond.  We have a deep understanding.

And because of all the special care she still needs and receives, from therapists coming to the house, to the many appointments with her pediatrician and a host of specialists, our adventures are limited.  Why, my typical adventure is now grocery shopping or running errands.  Exciting stuff.

That is why I currently live vicariously through others.  I explore their adventures.  I gather ideas and fine tune our plans.  It is enough.  For now.

This revised dream...involves an RV.  Yes, we will be land lovers and visit the water.  It's safer that way.  One day, we will be ready for our adventures to begin again.  We will find new purpose for the off months.

But first, I need to fund it.   

Letter to a new NICU mom

Dear Christine,

I know how very challenging it is to be a mom.  And you are suddenly a mom in spades: triplet girls, all sharing the NICU with Kenna.  It's something like being baptized with fire I imagine.

As the seasoned mom of two teens and a 24 week preemie, if I can offer any advice or insight into this experience it is this...

First and foremost, bask in the beauty of each moment.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the medical speak.  It is so easy to be distracted by all the tubes and probes.  See past all that and enjoy each special moment with your babies.  I know that each day, Sam and I would go in there and get the updates on Kenna's medical condition and then focus on all the good stuff...like whose fingers and toes she had, what color her hair was going to be, and all her adorable expressions. 

Remember that while the NICU and your babies are the focus of your life, you still need to achieve a balance to stay sane and healthy.  While there are nurses to care for your babies at night, don't feel guilty taking in a movie with your husband or taking a day trip as this journey goes on.  It will mean so much to your mental health and the babies need a sane mommy.  Sam and I ran away to the beach for a day trip.  We visited Kenna before we left and we called and checked on her when we made it home that evening.  And in the middle, we connected like we so desperately needed to.

Keep in mind, daddys are different from mommys.  I need to be there every day.  I need to see and hold Kenna.  I need to speak to the doctors and nurses and be on top of everything.  Sam needs to focus on work during the week and comes on the weekends.  It isn't that he is deserting me or not supporting me, it's not that he doesn't care about his daughter.  It's all about making sure Kenna has a home to come home to.  You and your husband will figure out what works for you.

This is a roller coaster ride.  The highs are so high.  The lows are gut wrenching.  There will be many of both.  In the end, you will be able to look back and see more good than bad.  You will bask in the each small victory.  And when the lows happen, you will put on your game face.  Know that it can change so quickly...even in the course of a day.  The day that Kenna was diagnosed with NEC, she wasn't quite herself in the morning and by five in the evening she was limp and practically lifeless.  If I didn't believe in the power of having primaries before that, NEC sealed it. 

Which brings me to the this suggestion: find your babies some primaries.  I have night primaries and day primaries.  I love the team of nurses assembled.  They are smart and funny and talented and everything I could hope for.  They are superb communicators, whether it means sharing news or talking me off a ledge.  They help me hold it together.  They help me even more when I can't.  They are part mind reader, part miracle worker and all heart.  My primaries send me pictures and messages by text.  They are more than nurses and have become friends and family.  You will need that.

Never forget that you are the mom.  You can stand up to the doctors and offer your opinion.  I spoke to the doctors about how I wanted to approach the Bubble CPAP after NEC.  I voiced my thoughts on feedings.  I have questioned the necessity of tests.  I'm Kenna's biggest cheerleader and her biggest protector.  I have known her longer than anyone.  The same is true for you and your girls. 

During this time, don't be afraid to ask for what you need from your husband, from the nurses, from the doctors, from friends and family.  It's okay to tell people that they can't come to the hospital right now, that they will see the girls when they come home.  It's okay to tell your husband that you are tired and can't cook.  It's okay to take it easy.  It's okay not to be in touch with everyone every day.  They will understand.  Take care of you so that you can be there for the girls. 

Most of all, understand the importance of positive thinking.  Miracles happen every day.  If you look hard enough, you can find the good in everything.  When Kenna was diagnosed with NEC, I decided that, on the bright side, I could now work on building up my milk storage.  When I brought clothes she couldn't wear yet, I looked at it as less laundry.  And when there was no progress, I rejoiced that she was stable.  There is always a silver lining. 

I'm sure I have way more advice to impart, but it will all come in time.  Just know that you are surrounded by many caring people.  Let them take care of you and your girls.

Dreamers apologize...

I'm sorry that I haven't been writing as much.  I'm sorry that I haven't been doing well with keeping you informed and in the loop. 

To say that we have been busy is a gross understatement. 

We have about torn the house apart over the past month.  There is an order to all remodeling projects.  And what started as a simple plan of replacing the ancient carpeting in the house with hardwoods so that Kenna could breathe became so much more.  The ceiling in the bedroom had to be scraped first.  The walls had to be painted.  It forced us to finally commit and finish the great room.  It made is finally paint the hall and change out that light.  It forced us to finally turn our master bedroom into the oasis we needed.

I've been busy reconnecting with Rachel.  In so many ways, we are back where we were before with the constant communication and sharing.  There are still some wounds that need to heal, but this is a very promising start.

And I've been busy with court.  It's a long story.  Let's just say that our gentleman's agreement only works if both parties adhere to it.  I'm a lady.  I've kept my word.  And my ex...well, he is no gentleman. 

Bishop has been a challenge as of late.  The floors are a bit much for him.  He acts like Bambi on ice.  And he's been sick.  The seasonal allergies are killing him.

What little free time I have goes to cleaning and gardening and time with Kenna...because Sam has given me the house of my dreams, so I need to take care of it.  He's given me the gardens of my dreams (herb and vegetable) so I have to maintain them.  And we all know that Kenna is what happens when two dreamers fall in love.  She's had a bit of a rough spell, but I just go and love her through it.  It's working.

Kenna is in a crib now.  And she's doing so much better breathing.  And if we can just get this feeding thing under control...she'll be practically ready to come home. 

There's this magical place we've heard about...the Special Care Nursery.  It's where babies go to grow and feed before coming home.  It's the last stop in the hospital.  And we're working on getting there.  It's close.  I can feel it.

And while we work toward all this...my apologies for not being better at posting.  Of course you can follow our progress daily on Facebook. 

Dreamers know sometimes wishes are horses

You know the saying.

If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

Well, this dreamer is riding.

Exactly six months ago, Rachel moved out.  It wasn't a nice move.  It wasn't an easy move.

I was pregnant and having her leave so abruptly on such bad terms to go live with her boyfriend really hurt my feelings.  And I didn't know how our relationship would ever recover.  There were plenty more hurts along the way.  She ignored my Thanksgiving calls and texts.  She wasn't in touch for Christmas while I was on bed rest.  She ignored my congrats over her graduation and we weren't invited.  And she never contacted me when I had Kenna.

I often wondered how we could ever repair that damage.  The truth is...love finds a way.

I heard she was having some problems and I did what mothers do.  I reached out.  I knew that stubborn teenage pride would prevent her from contacting me.  And so I contacted her.  A door that was once closed, locked, and nailed shut...opened.

We have been talking daily since by text and on the phone.  The closeness we always shared didn't die.  It didn't even fade.  It's more patina now.

We're making plans to all get together, to mend broken bonds between Rachel and step-Sam.  He took this just as hard as I did.  He and Rachel had a great relationship...the closeness I had always hoped she'd have with her own father.  They talked and joked around.  He took her job hunting, helped her return applications and brought her to interviews.  He would pick her up from school and bring her to the doctor.  He was the best extension of me.  And together, they would do really sweet things for me...like make dinner, plan surprise parties, and buy me presents.

I've missed our family.  Sure, Keenan has been more outgoing without Rachel around.  At the same time, I need all my children with me.  To say that I'm thrilled to have her in our life again would be a gross understatement.  We're all going to benefit from this.  Rachel needs her mom.  She even needs step-Sam.  Kenna, she will have a big sister and a big brother.  And Keenan won't be stuck in the middle...not that he ever seems impacted by tension.

This dreamer is riding high and riding happy.  Life is good.

Dreamers know that questions lead to answers

It's been a crazy couple of days for Kenna.

She hasn't had anything to eat since Monday afternoon.  And according to our nurses, she won't have anything to eat until at least Friday.  She has to get rid of all of the dye from the last test yesterday so that they can do an upper GI test. 

Rumor has it, she was really good.  And apparently she has been more mellow, but not in the concerning way.  The doctor was quick to assure me that she was still our little spit fire.  And I like that.

So for now, we have more questions than answers, but I have to believe that the answers will come.

There is a good chance that there is simply a blockage somewhere.  Or maybe there is some scarring from the NEC.  There has to be a reason why our baby, who used to eat like a champ and never had residuals, now doesn't digest an entire meal. 

And we need to figure it out soon.  My freezer runneth over.

Yeah, I know.  We haven't talked about my milk supply in such a long time.  I figured you kind of missed it.  All I can say is...our freezer is full.  I have virtually no solid food in it.  Thank goodness Dad and Vicki had a freezer for us.  I don't know what we'd be doing otherwise.  And to think Sam was worried we had purchased it for nothing.  Ha!

So, I'm waiting for Sam to go and visit Kenna today.  It will be a later visit.  And I'm good with that.  It gives me time to get more writing done.  I have been slacking lately.  I've just been having a difficult time concentrating on anything productive.  I've been mostly killing time until I can see Kenna.  And I know it's bothering Sam.  He's focused on work and taking care of our family.  And I focus on taking care of our family and getting Kenna well.  There's a good overlap there.

We'll get through this.  Soon we'll have the answers we need.  Kenna will get better.  And she'll come home.  Not soon enough, but for good.  And that is the happy thought I hold on to.
 

Dreamers have faith

That's what today is all about.

Kenna has been having trouble with her feedings.  And she never had trouble with feeding before the NEC. 

It's troubling.

As I write, she is NPO.  In layman's terms, she can't eat anything.  And she hasn't been able to eat anything since yesterday evening. 

I was there just after her five o'clock feeding to hold her.  We do that every day.  And so I went and snuggled my baby.  It's a super special time.  I cherish every moment of it.  I was feeling guilty for a while.  I was the only one in the pod who was able to hold her child.  And I knew the other parents would look at me longingly.  Finally, all the other babies are big enough, stable enough to get held.  And I looked around the pod at all of us moms holding our babies and just beaming.  It was perfect.

What wasn't perfect was listening to the doctor tell me that they had run a bunch of tests on Kenna.  I will admit I held my breath for a moment as I waited for the results.  I knew Kenna looked good, but sometimes that means that she needs a transfusion.  Only this time, all the test looked good.  There is no sign of infection.

Still, they are doing gut rest.  And my nurse, one of my primaries, the same one who caught the NEC, has asked that they do a GI study.  She knows Kenna.  She knows my baby loves to eat.  And so we hope that the results will give us an idea, assuming that they agree to do this.

So, we wait. Only I'm not really worried.  Kenna is tough.  The doctors and nurses are observant and talented and so dedicated to a positive outcome.  And we have so many people thinking good things and praying prayers of strength and healing.  What do I have to worry about? 

Yeah, I can't think of anything either.  I'll just keep everyone aware of what's going on.  I'll just keep on loving Kenna through it.  And I'll just keep believing that this is just another speed bump along her long journey home.

Kenna's Necklace from LightShine Designs

So yesterday was Easter and today is Kenna's three month birthday.  She's a big three month old girl today.  Yay, Kenna!

And we are all about making memories.  So, we made sure we spent some time at the hospital with our girl.  It's super important.  I'm not just sitting around at the hospital during that time, even though I am.  What I'm really doing is helping my baby heal.  She breathes better from snuggling on my chest and hearing me breathe, hearing my heart beat.  She is easier going and relaxes more.  (When I heard that, I had to double check and make sure that she wasn't sick.  Kenna is usually pretty feisty.)

The big thing is that she not come unglued all the time.  She can't gain weight that way.  She has to be calm.  And those words do not usually describe my baby girl.

So, I was sitting on the couch in the garage trying to get some work done the other day when Sam brought me the mail.  And I was super excited when I saw the package from my friend Rebecca, owner of LightShine Designs.  She makes custom jewelry.  Most recently, she made me custom jewelry.  Rebecca contacted me and asked about making a piece for Kenna.  She asked me for some ideas, and when I opened the package, I realized how perfect it was, how well she had listened. 

The custom necklace has a 'K' for Kenna and a purple crystal butterfly because that's what I'm doing her bedding in...purple butterflies.  It is perfect.  And I couldn't wait to wear it for the first time on Easter Sunday.

I held Kenna and told her the story of the necklace.  I told her that one day it would be hers.  She seemed to like that.  She slept with her hand wrapped around the chain.  And I'm sure as she gets older and more aware she will admire the butterfly and know that the 'K' is for Kenna. 

If you want a magical piece that is custom made, contact Rebecca.  She has a ton of pictures of the jewelry she has made on her LightShine Designs fan page.  And the pieces that she has up for sale can be found on her Etsy page.  I love her wire wrapped stone necklaces.  I plan on dropping many hints to Sam.  I mean, Mother's Day is coming. 

All I know is how much I appreciate this piece.  It's hard to find affordable custom made jewelry.  And it is so special to have something so meaningful.  Thank you, Rebecca!

Dreamers have heartfelt realizations

Meredith put the CPAP hat Linae made on Kenna's March of Dimes bunny.

I used to feel like I didn't know Kenna at all.  I was kind of hurt that her nurses knew her better.  Meredith had seen her sucking her thumb.  And I hadn't.  Caroline had such a sweet little nickname for her.  Kenna's their little bird.  Samantha started her Beads of Courage.  Ginger passed out her footprints to the nurses.  Linae dressed up her CPAP hat with a bow.  And that's only a few examples from part of the team that cares for Kenna. 

In some ways, I suppose I felt left out. 

I would go and talk to her.  I would sometimes touch her through her womb room portholes.  It was super important that we go at times that we could participate in her care. 

Sometimes the nurses would ask me questions about Kenna.  And I wouldn't know the answers.  I felt like she was more theirs than ours.

Over the last few weeks, that feeling has changed.  It was so gradual that I barely noticed.  Until about 2am.  Yeah, I have a habit of falling asleep watching television.  Normally that means that we're in the living room and I'm asleep in Sam's lap until wakes me up to go to bed.  Lately, it has meant our bedroom because the living room and the rest of the house have been a construction zone.  I have been waking up to the television still on in our room at 2am, then calling the hospital to check on Kenna.

She's almost three months old.  Three months.  One fourth of the first year of her life and she's spent it in the hospital.  That makes me sad.  And yet I know that is where she needs to be.

Last night, as I lay there, I realized how well I know my daughter.  I know her moods, when she's coming completely unglued.  I know how to soothe her...and it usually involves my voice and my touch as opposed to a pacifier.  I know her little fingers and toes.  (I love baby fingers and toes.) 

The other day, I just stood there playing with her stinky feet and she let me.  She watched me do it.  She discovered that Mommy can touch her feet and not hurt her.  She is used to feet touching resulting in a blood draw from her heel for her blood gases.  Instead, I touched her toes and told her all about the fun we would have playing 'This Little Piggy.' 

One of her doctors caught me in the hall yesterday.  She commented that Kenna looked amazing and she was convinced that she was going to make it.

me: You're convinced?  We've been convinced.  We just wonder when she will come home.

doctor: Well, that will still be a while.  Thank goodness you're normal.

Now, I've been called a lot of things in my life, normal is not one of them.  And I might have even been a bit insulted.

me: Normal?

doctor: Yes, you know...enjoyable to have around.

me: Oh.  Good.  Well, please don't let that influence your discharge decisions.  I'll bring her back for visits.  I promise.

Yes.  We're normal.  We're getting to do normal things, like getting to know our baby.  I know the wrinkles in her neck.  I know where the hair line stops on her fuzzy little head.  I know she soothes to the sound of my voice and my gentle restraint.  And I know one day, she'll come home.

Dreamers need to keep their heads out of the clouds

Yeah, that's where I went wrong yesterday.  I thought about it.  And that is most decidedly where I went wrong.  I won't make that mistake again today.  Nope.  I'm on top of things.

See, my day started out super stellar.  (This would be the time my day actually started, as opposed to the middle of the night when I woke up to Bishop peeing on the carpet in the room.)  So, I was working on the laptop in the garage, since the house was taken over by flooring installation, and one of the flooring installers came over to me and handed me FOUR four leaf clovers that he found in the yard. 

I guess from that moment on I felt like I was coated in Teflon.  Everything would just bounce off me.  I was indestructible.  Right.

It was a few hours later that I was rushing to the hospital to see my baby girl.  I had to bring her milk.  And there was a lot going on.  Our window order had been suddenly delivered.  And Sam needed my help.  And I was distracted by my need to get to my pumping supplies, but my inability to do so because the house was in complete and utter chaos. 

Sam had left.  He was gone.  And I knew he was coming back, but I had no idea he would be back so quickly.  All I knew was that I needed to get going or miss time with Kenna.  So, I hopped in the car and backed out and nearly crushed Sam. 

All I saw behind me was the garbage truck.  Somehow, he had managed to pull in beside me, open his doors, and lean in to get a nail gun for the guys.  And I nailed his door, thereby nailing him. 

me: Are you okay?

Sam: I've been better.

He saw the look on my face.

Sam: I've been worse.  I'm fine!

And he headed back out.  I drove off to the hospital.  When I was just ten minutes away, after driving for a good twenty minutes, I realized in all the drama, I had forgotten the milk.  So, I had to turn around and drive back home.  I called to let our nurse know what was going on and she let me know what was going on with Kenna.

Our baby girl has stage 3 Retinopathy of Prematurity.  And she may need surgery.  In less than a week.

Stupid four leaf clovers. 

So, it's been crazy around here.  There has been huge progress on the house.  Sam is fine.  And he was never angry with me.  He was more bothered by the fact that I was upset.  He's a good husband and promises to be an amazing daddy.  I have spoken with Kenna's doctors and they aren't worried about the anesthesia, but the intubation.  She was doing so well on CPAP.  Either way, it will all work out.

I am so blessed. 

Dreamers stay ridiculously busy

Our floors in progress...

I guess it was about 2pm Monday that Sam called me at home, just as I was headed to the hospital.  And when I am at the hospital or on the way to the hospital...I don't really hear anything.  I am super focused on Kenna. 

Then I arrived home that night and realized that I was supposed to help move furniture after making and cleaning up from dinner.  That...was not my favorite night.  By the time we settled in it was after nine.  And after watching a few shows, our night was over.

Tuesday morning came entirely too quickly.  And waking up to Bishop peeing in our bedroom was not the way I planned to start my day.  Yes, Bishop is on meds after his trip to the vet.  Of course the dog is on steroids, too.  Yes, the biggest and smallest family members are rocking the 'roids.  So, he is prone to pee.  This I understand.  What I don't understand is why he didn't let us know he needed to pee.  And I also don't know why I am always on bodily function clean up. 

Being a mom is not the most glorious role I've ever had.

And then there are these moments...moments I would trade for anything.  Moments like...holding Kenna.  I rushed from the house after helping move more of our stuff.  You never realize how much stuff you have until you move or have to remove it from it's location.  Yeah.  We have plenty of stuff.

The drive to the hospital was lovely.  No traffic.  And I made it to the hospital with time to spare.  Soon enough, I was snuggling Kenna.  She does so well just laying there in my arms or up against my chest.  She just relaxes.  She lets me touch her hands and often squeezes back.  Her breathing is better.  Her sats are better.  She is calmer.  It's just the ideal situation for her...mommy-Kenna snuggle time.

We had a big meeting with one of our distributors yesterday and all the big wigs.  It was interesting.  People are never how you expect them to be.  And meetings never go precisely as planned.  I know this.  I set my expectations low and prepare for anything.  In all honesty, it went pretty much exactly how I expected.  It was Sam who was surprised and disappointed. 

Then it was an early bedtime because...we have no living room.  And there was nothing we needed to do...really.

Sam: We should spend more time in here.  We have a really nice bedroom.

me: I used to shut down the house after dinner and hang out with the kids in my room.  I love hanging out in the master bedroom.

Sam: You could have done that here.

Yeah, I could have, but if I did we wouldn't be where we are today.  We needed to bond.  He needed to learn how to share his life.  He needed to figure out how to be with someone.  And I had just about enough patience to teach him.  And I needed to get used to being with someone, too.  Marriage doesn't always mean togetherness.

So, we've been busy.  All indications are that we will be staying busy the rest of the week.  I just can't wait to get to the hospital for snuggle time.

Dreamers know good things grow

We have been busy around the house lately.  And it is so nice to start seeing the fruits of our labors.

Take the master bedroom, for example.  I am in love with the paint.  I love it.  And to think we picked right the first time.  Because that is so not our style.  The great room took forever.  Yup.  And I'm not even in love with the results.  I like the room...but not in the same way I love love love the master.

We went with a green...Irish Paddock.  Of course.  I knew I could convince my Irish man to go with a green that color, since I couldn't get the color I really wanted: Green Water.  He said it was too blue.  He hates blue in the bedroom because my old house had a blue bedroom.  There's nothing getting by him.

Ah, but what really makes the room...aside from the newly scraped ceiling...the taupe suede wall.  It's an easy paint treatment.  And it makes the room.  It's the perfect accent wall.

So, when it came time to paint the hall, since it needs to be done before the floors...I went with the same green.  And the way that new light shines on it...perfection.

What does this mean?

No more painting.  Thankfully.  Because not only do I not enjoy painting, but I rather suck at it.  Really.

Thus it's on to new projects.  We have our new windows coming in.  And the Hardie is on order.  This house will be practically new by the time Kenna comes home.  We're doing everything we can to make it energy efficient and lung friendly.

Kenna's lungs are really having a rough time.  I look forward to the day when she is healed, but the doctors and nurses tell us it could take a good year or more.  And we're already having to tell friends that they can't hold Kenna.  She has no immune system.  The doctors and nurses have warned us no one should hold her, other than her parents.   I'll do what it takes to make sure that she's healthy.  Kenna's health comes first.

And I guess that's one of the reasons I wanted to grow a garden this year.  I figured I could make baby food from all the fresh vegetables.  It's a start.  And so I'm super proud that they have started growing.

I'm working my butt off now so that when Kenna comes home, I can focus on being a mom and taking care of her.  The business should only take a few hours of my day.  That leaves plenty of snuggle time.  And that baby girl deserves all the snuggles she can get after her rough start.  We can't wait to make it up to her.

She's a rock star!

I have to brag about my baby for a bit.

See, we all know that Kenna has beat the odds, defied them at every step.  And she's doing it again.

Before she had NEC, the doctors were ready to get her started on another course of Decadron.  Then she was sick.  And the Decdron was postponed.  We had met and discussed that we wanted her to have the best possible chance to get breathing on her own, to make it to Bubble CPAP.  And that meant that she would be feeding...unless they had no choice.

Well, on Sunday...they had no choice.  Kenna was requiring too much support.  And so they had to start the Decadron.  And while I knew she would respond well to it, as she had in the past, I didn't imagine she would do this well.

I talked her through it on Wednesday. 

She was struggling.  Sure, she was used to the tube down her throat, but the nares in her nose were really aggravating her.  Poor baby girl.  And the sticker on her nose and across her face designed to hold the nasal cannulas wasn't much better.  She was pretty stinking miserable.  They told me she was going to be re-intubated because she was doing so poorly.

And I talked to her.  I told Kenna that she was smart and strong and she could do this.  I reminded her how special she was and how loved.  And she calmed down.  She settled in.  Her oxygen requirement dropped from 60% to 30% in half an hour.  She was even high sating...100!  I just laid my hand on her and kept talking.  It worked. 

I worried about leaving her, but she proved that she was strong.  Kenna just needed a little encouragement to get started.  Since then, she has been without anything several times when they have had to change her CPAP out.  Yesterday when I was there, she went without any support for fifteen minutes with no problems, not even a desat.

They started a new program for babies and children that are hospitalized at Hemby.  It's called 'Beads of Courage.'  I wanted to be a part of it, to start Kenna's bead story.  The kick off was Wednesday...the same day that Kenna started the CPAP and was struggling.  Instead, her nurse started it for her last night. 

Kenna's sign on her womb room is an owl family.  I love it.  It's perfect.  I'll be hanging it up in her room when she comes home.  And her Beads of Courage...are in an owl bag.  I'll take pictures when I get a chance. 

I'm not sure I know anyone more courageous than Kenna.  She has been through it and come out on top.  Our baby girl is a rock star. 

Thank you for thinking of her!

My little princess

Kenna getting weighed after being held for two hours.  She looks relaxed.

 

And then the bathing began.  Look at that face!

Yup.  She's definitely not happy.

Then the bathing was over.  She looked surprised...and ready to get upset again if necessary.

In minutes she was weighed, bathed, diapered, and ready to go back in her womb room.  After breathing...crib time.

Please think of Kenna as she is on Bubble CPAP.  This is a huge step.  And it is time.

Dreamers know one project leads to another

I love the new paint color.

It all started with one simple idea.  We should use my tax money to get new floors before Kenna comes home.  She has premature lung disease and the thirty year old carpets weren't going to make it any easier for her around the house.  Having already survived one preemie and knowing his special needs, we wanted to do everything we could for Kenna.

And so we picked the flooring.  It arrived.  It was delivered.  And it still sits clogging up my dining room.  It has to.  Little did I know that so many projects would stem off this one simple idea.

Oh, but in remodeling, this is what happens.  We realized that if we were going to do new floors, we'd better have the walls and ceiling just right or we'll later ruin them. 

So, the ceiling in the master bedroom needed to be scraped.  The kids' rooms had been done before we moved in...new ceilings, new paint, new carpet, new lighting, and amazing trim work.  Sam is super handy to have around. 

We had installed blinds so that my peeping ex could no longer see in and we bought curtains to go over the blinds.  But other than painting an accent wall and new lamps for the nightstands, we hadn't done anything to the master.  And I'm guessing we passed on this because we knew how much work it would be.  The kids' rooms were easy.  There was no furniture in there, nothing to work around.  It was perfect.  Our room, loaded with furniture far from perfect. 

The ceiling has been scraped and painted.  The lighting has been reattached.  The back wall is painted a lovely shade of taupe in a suede treatment.  I bet you had no idea I was so talented.  I'm not.  It's easy.  And the rest of the walls are being painted.  Yes, we are almost done.  For now.  There will be new furniture in the future. 

And the garden is very nearly planted.  It would have been all done, but for the fact that there was not enough dirt.  We have to import it since we are built on a boulder topped with clay.  It's not exactly conducive to a garden.  It's barely conducive to grass...although the weeds seem to thrive.

Just when I thought our remodeling was coming to an end...Sam and I were snuggling on the couch Saturday night.  We were proud of all we had accomplished thus far.

Sam: You know...one of my crew members blows insulation.  He said he'd give me a good price for the attic.  We're loosing a lot of heat and wasting a lot of air in this old place.

me: Yes, but what about the kitchen?

Sam: What about the kitchen.

me: Well, we talked about taking out the drop down ceiling and how you'd have to climb through the attic.  Would that still be possible?

And that is why Sam ended up taking down the kitchen ceiling last night.  We have to get that done before the insulation.  The end is in sight.  I can almost see it.  I've given this a lot of thought.  And I'm not sure there are many more projects to be completed around here.  Really.  Aside from the kitchen and master bath...we're good.

Soon, I'll share pictures to prove it.  And with any luck, Kenna will be home soon to enjoy it.

Dreamers deal with haters

Every few weeks or so, I get a really nasty comment on this blog.  You never see it.  I deal with it.  I dispose of it for all of us.  And while I'm pretty sure I know the source, the coward who hides behind the anonymous comment, and that I could simply be direct and address this individual...I decided to do what I do.  I decided to help others who all deal with mean, nasty, ugly people in their lives. 

Sure, I had that millisecond where I was hurt.  Then I remembered the eternal wisdom of Taylor Swift.  People throw rocks at things that shine.  Most of the time, I'm so happy that I practically glow.  No wonder.  And then I felt sorry for this person, like I do for all people who throw stones.  How unhappy must you be with your life that you have to reach out and try to make others miserable?  That seems pretty sad.  It makes me sad for anyone who lives like that. 

My spirit is too strong to be taken down a notch by mean words. 

You can keep sending those nasty grams, making nasty comments, dropping nasty test messages.  I'm fine.  I'm good.  I'm not going to play into any of it.  You can't hurt me.  You can't dim my light.  Let that be true for all of you.  Just remember that when people are being mean, they are trying to drag you down to their level, trying to make you hurt like they are hurting.  Don't feed the anger, feel sorry for that unhappy soul.  And stay strong.  Stay true to you.

Just shine.

Dreamers deal with numbers

For some reason...numbers played a very big part in yesterday.  I sat down with one of Kenna's primaries and she taught me much about what was going on with Kenna infection wise.  She explained the numbers...what the tests were showing, what they should look like.  And it gave me a lesson that I hadn't anticipated ever learning.  To think that I had very little interest in biology in high school.  Now...I get it.

And so I left feeling reasonably comfortable with Kenna's condition.

I had also been dealing with numbers as the phone rang and rang yesterday.  And it never rang while I was just hanging around the office.  Nope.  It waited until I was in the car.  So, I kept answering the phone and struggling to write down numbers as I drove.  When I told Sam the story later, he reacted a little differently than I anticipated.

Sam: You could have crashed.

me: I know!  And you would have lost that lead forever.

He shook his head.

Sam: Yeah, it's the lead I'd be upset about losing.

I smiled.  My husband loves me.

Sam: Don't do that again.

And I was beaming. 

We have a lot going on.  And this was the first night that we were going to relax for a few minutes for bed and watch one of our many shows.  It was when he relaxed that he started sharing with me.

Sam: I have so much on my mind.  There are a lot of things bothering me that I don't tell you about.

I lifted myself off his chest. 

me: Whoa.  Are we okay?  Is there something you want to talk about?

Sam: No, just work stuff.  We are 100% great...not even 99%.  100% great.

More numbers.  Good numbers.  Now we just need to work on Kenna's numbers.  Fight that infection, little bit.  You are tougher than that.  You show that infection who's boss.

I'm not worried.  Our girl is a fighter.

Dreamers make it happen

I was on my walk yesterday when something suddenly occurred to me.  Our life has become so surreal, so strange, and yet so comfortable at the same time.

For as long as we've been together, Sam and I have been plotting and planning this future.  I remember him saying that he figured one day he'd find someone he loved.  And then after about three years of dating, that woman would move in.  And then after a year of living together, they would get engaged.  And after that, marriage.  And maybe a few years later...a child or children.  It was this ten year relationship plan that he had in mind.  He was only 27 at the time.  And in his mind, he had all the time in the world. 

At the same time, I was encouraging him in starting his own business.  His father, from whom he had learned the ropes, was nearing retirement and Sam wanted to have his own company.  We worked on that together.  He had big plans, huge plans.  He never wanted to sub for others, but figured it was a good way to learn how others ran their companies.  Then he would just run his own jobs.  I would quit mine, run his office, and write.

There was talk about what we would do to the house.  We had a long long list of all the improvements that we wanted to make around the house.  We wanted to remodel every aspect of it.  The house has a great floor plan, ample space, and good bones, but it is dated...as any thirty year old home would be.  And we had a ten year plan to remodel it, pay it off, rent it, and buy or build a home on water. 

Here we are, a mere four years into our ten year plan. 

And I look around at all the progress we've made.  Our company is now a force to contend with.  We are finishing up our first major job of the season, siding a home so large that it is considered the equivalent of four or five houses.  We have other jobs lined up.  It feels good. 

Last winter was the first winter I didn't work outside of the home.  It damn near killed us, but we made it.  And this year, we learned from our mistakes and we're already working on saving for the winter.  We're squirreling away our nuts.  I'm stocking up on food.  Our savings is growing.  I'm incredibly encouraged.

Within the next month or so, we will have completed so much of the list that I won't need to worry over where it is.  I will know for sure that all we have left to do is some trim work, fix the fireplace, and remodel the kitchen and master bath.  Practically nothing...considering what we've accomplished over the last few years.

The amazing part to me though is our relationship.  We're married and have a baby girl in less than half the time he imagined he'd need to be ready, to be comfortable. 

I should know by now that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to.  Still, that it's all actually happening is so special to me.  I really do love our life, even our struggles.  I know they won't last.  And every time we pull through we are stronger and closer than we were before. 

Figure out what you want from this life and go get it.  See what a difference it makes to be living your dream.

Baby's got back

Kenna has been sleeping a lot.  She needs to.  It's part of her recovery.

And these moments where she is awake and alert are rare.  I don't want to mes with her much when I visit.  I don't want her awake and agitated because she isn't being fed.  She'll figure that out soon enough.  I don't need her being more aware of that.

Her nurses had picked up on that, too.  They know that she is...well, they all keep using the word 'feisty.'  And they know she has a way of getting her way, a way of getting what she wants by desating when she is upset.  So, for her health, they spoil her.

And in an effort to not irritate her any more than necessary, they even change her diaper when she is laying on her belly without flipping her over.  That's what happened yesterday.  She was asleep when the nurse went in to suction her.  And since she was already bothering her, she checked her temperature.  And if she was already doing all of that, she might just as well change her diaper.

That's when I saw it.  Kenna has the beginnings of butt cheeks!

I was so excited, I had to text Sam.

me: She has a butt.

Sam: You did it.

me: I did what?

Sam: You gave her a butt.

me: Finally, my contribution to our baby!

Seriously.  She has so many of his features.  I'm pretty sure I even had a glimpse of blue eye yesterday.  Sometimes I feel like I had very little to do with her existence.  I only had twenty-four weeks to make an impression.  Apparently, I failed miserably.

Our baby is filling out.  She is healing.  And I have high hopes that she will be home...eventually.  I can't wait.