Dreamers deal with disappointment

Yesterday was the first day I haven't seen Kenna. 

Yeah.  And let me say it again just so you understand the gravity of the situation for me.  I didn't get to go see my baby in the NICU yesterday.

Oh, we fully intended to when we left the house. 

In the morning I had posted the pontoon boat on Craigslist.  We need to sell the boats.  That was always our intention.  Well, maybe we thought we'd keep the pontoon boat, but we aren't now.  Money is too tight to non-existent.

So, the boat was listed and calls were coming in.  And the boat is at Sam's sister's place in Belmont, which is about half an hour away from us, the opposite direction from the hospital.  Oh, but we needed the money so we had to show it to sell it.  We had three people lined up to see it.  And I figured this would be a breeze.  It was 3:30 when we arrived.  And the last person was supposed to be there around 5:30.  Plenty of time to get to the hospital.

Only, as we exited my vehicle, I started hearing this strange sound, like air escaping.  And the only place that air could be coming from...yup, my right back tire.  So, next thing I know, I'm calling for Sam while doing my best impression of the kid with his thumb in the crack at the dam.  We tried a variety of methods to stop the endless flow of air from my tire, but nothing worked.  And chewing the five year old chewing gum I found under the spare tire in the back was my way of taking it for the team.  It didn't work.  We couldn't use the spare because it was only safe to 50mph and we had to get on the highway to get home. 

Dad was at Christie's, too, watching the kids and he and Sam consulted on what to do.  It was irrelevant until the last guy came to see the boat anyway.  He claimed he wanted it.  Sam returned to the house with the news.

Sam: Good news.  He's going to the bank and talking to his friend.  He'll be back within an hour to give us the deposit.  And we can use that money to get some dinner and a tire.

Well, the hour came and went.  It was now just after 7pm.  And my hopes of making it to the hospital were growing dim.  I knew that Kenna had nurses and doctors offering care, but I wanted her to know I was there, too, even if I couldn't touch her.  Her mommy loves her so very much. 

And Sam was on the phone trying to figure out if any place was still open to fix or replace the tire.  He made a deal with the people at Sears in Gastonia to be there in fifteen minutes.  They stayed open late for him. 

He had warned me there would come a time when I wouldn't be able to see Kenna every day.  He reminded me that right now, with the limited work, that we simply can't afford it.  It costs a fortune in gas.  And we don't even use the parking garage unless we know it's past the time to charge.  And then to lose a tire...well, that really wasn't going to help the budget.

I guess I'm glad that Vicki had the foresight to start the Ever Ribbon charity for Kenna.  She knew that funds were tight and we would need help trying to make ends meet right now.  Sam is doing all he can, but I've been out of commission for too long.  With any luck, that will ensure I at least make it to the hospital every day.

By the time Sam returned, it was nearly 9pm and we still hadn't eaten.  Dad bought the family Bojangles for dinner.  It was nice having the family time, playing with the niece and nephew.  They are 2 &3. And it made me eager for Kenna to come home.  I'm dying to snuggle my daughter.

It was nearly 9:30pm when we headed out. 

Sam: Do you want to go to the hospital?

I did, but I doubted that I could even make it.  I had taken a two mile walk before lunch.  I had entertained the kids and gotten them to sleep while Sam and his father left to fix the tire.  And the thought of doing one more thing seemed pretty impossible.  It's a long walk in and out of the NICU.  We wouldn't have even arrived until well after 10pm.  We wouldn't have made it home until well after midnight.  And I had already called to check on her.  There would be other chances.  I have to live like Kenna will always have another day. 

So, I didn't see her yesterday.  And I will more than make up for it today.  I was asleep in Sam's lap just as soon as I finished pumping last night.  He woke me up at 1am to go to bed.  And I've already checked on Kenna this morning.  She's stable.  I'll see her soon.