Dreamers see hope everywhere

Or we try to at least.

I was crying before I even made it to the doctor yesterday.  Of course, that was for more personal reasons.  So, maybe I should plan to arrive teary eyed from now on and I'll have a better outcome in the office.

Sam had a meeting so he wasn't with me.  I know we need the money.  I know he can't be with me every minute.  That doesn't mean I have to like it.  Because I didn't.  And that's still not why I was crying.  I was just mildly disappointed over that.  Remember, I'm one tough cookie.

Well, then I made it to the office, where I experienced no lines and no waiting.  I have the same ultrasound tech each time.  And this time, I noticed a difference in her demeanor.

me: What?  No racing from the room?  That was subtle last time.

tech: Yeah.  Sorry.  No, she looks stable.

Kenna is stable.  She has gained two ounces.  That makes her 11 ounces at the moment.  And while I would love for her to be a pound or more, it may not happen while she is in utero.  There's no room with the low fluids.  At the same time, there was a lot more circulation than last time.  The screen was ablaze with red and blue.  It was a good sign.

And then the doctor came in to talk to me.  He didn't use the word abortion, like the other doctor did, he was encouraged by what he saw going on with her.  Kenna is better than she was.  She is growing...some.  And we're still working on the balance for keeping her in as long as possible without losing me.

He was concerned about some of my symptoms...especially the headaches and blood pressure.  This doctor used the word 'stroke.'  That was new.  Before it was all about seizures and comas.  So, I have to watch for my headaches.  And I have to stay closely monitored.  And with all the appointments we have scheduled, I don't think that will be a problem.

Shot two of the steroids is today.  And I'm supposed to feel really good for a couple of days after.  I feel mostly good now.

We talked about having a preemie, me and the doctor.  He talked about how good they are here, how it's one of the best NICUs in the state.  And I feel pretty good about that.  He said they'd like her to be a bit bigger, but she's got a good chance from now on.

That's what I believe.  That's how I get through.  The last two weeks were the rough stuff, the horrible waiting time where we didn't know if she even had a chance.  I'm a risk taker.  Getting divorced was a risk.  Dating was a risk.  Getting remarried was a risk.  Getting pregnant...risk risk risk.

Ah, but with great risks come great rewards.

There is always hope.  That's what this doctor said to me.  And I liked him immediately.  I have hope aplenty.  For me, hope abounds.

We're going to have a teeny tiny daughter.  One day, hopefully not too soon, I'll be introducing the world to Kenna Claire.  Life is full of miraculous possibility if only you are open to it.