Honestly...I don't know what happened. I've listened to many many doctors give me negative reports on Kenna's status. And this wasn't even a negative report. Maybe it was just that all the other times her demise was hinted at while this time, he said it outright.
All I know is that I listened to the doctor tell me that Kenna didn't have an infection, that the antibiotics were stopped. I heard him mention the platelets and when she had her last transfusion. He told me the PDA was still there and that she has some pulmonary hypertension. Then he talked about her head ultrasound.
doctor: Yes, her head ultrasound was normal. We won't do another one until 36 weeks, if she makes it that far.
And something in me snapped. I never talk back to the doctors, but this time...well, he kind of earned it. I know that he is a doctor. I know that he has loads of experience to go along with his degree. I know all that and more.
Oh, but there are things that he didn't know. And I felt compelled to explain it to him.
me: If? If? Not if. When.
And he gave me an indulgent smile.
doctor: Right.
me: Do you have any idea what she has survived so far?
Then I let loose and told him.
I reminded him that not one of my doctors thought she was going to make it past 21 weeks when we discovered that the amniotic fluid was dangerously low. I reminded him that they didn't think she'd make it to 24 weeks when we could start the Betamethasone shots to prepare her lungs. She had stopped growing. And by the day she was born, she was in distress. My doctor didn't think she'd survive the delivery. And another neonatologist didn't think she would be able to be intubated because it required such a small tube.
Kenna is two weeks old. I can't believe she's not going to make it. She's like me. Go ahead. Tell her she can't do something. Watch her. She'll prove you wrong every time. She'll do it just to spite you.
And for a moment, I think he saw it. I am, in part, where Kenna gets her feisty spirit from. I am her biggest cheerleader. I am her advocate. I am the one who refuses to believe that she's not going to make it. Kenna's come too far. She's not ready to give up yet. I don't think she ever will.
We watched her on her oscillator. It is supposed to breathe for her. And at the same time, we saw her chest moving, her doing. Our baby is working on breathing on her own. It was beautiful. And so is she.
Good for you! Your daughter needs all the support and prayers she can get. I do understand that the doctors look at things and seperate emotions from the situation. Sometimes we could use a kind or positive word. I think Miss Kenna has made amazing strides and goals. She is a fighter and so are you.
ReplyDeleteThat is awesome! Yay baby Kenna! I would have flipped out on the Dr.'s as well. I love your spirit and outlook. It is what will get her through this.
ReplyDeleteYou tell him Mama Lion! You roar as loud as you have to in order for this doctor and any future doctor to listen to you. Sure there are the plain hard facts that need to be dealt with, but there is a way to do it that is appropriate and his way was not. Also, doctors have no right to try to take your hope away from you. Personally, I have seen a hopless situation transformed into a miracle in my own life so you can bet your sweet ass I believe in hope and miracles and I believe that anything is possible. Sending prayers and love to you each day!
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