Dreamers double date!

At least that's what I'm calling it.

We have been planning this excursion to Charleston since before the Memorial Day excursion to Charleston. We were planning on going with Sam's employee and his wife. I wasn't thrilled. Then they made plans to go to Myrtle Beach instead, which I think is a far better plan.

So, I invited Rachel and Austin to come. They liked the idea, but Austin had other commitments. He's a good son. And Rachel didn't want to come without him. I understand. She would have felt like a third wheel.

That meant it was going to be just the two of us. I like it when it's just the two of us sometimes. I love our alone time. And we need it. Alone in Charleston is different from alone at the house. It's more relaxing.

Then, I had a new idea. We've been talking about bringing Lonnie and Lindsay to the boat for so long...why not invite them to join us?

It was something of an executive decision. Nothing is set in stone until I talk to Sam, but it looks good. It looks doable. It looks like it could be fun.

We'll sail some. We'll kick back and relax. We'll swim. We'll grill out. It will be perfect.

We've never gone away with Lonnie and Lindsay before. They've stayed over at the house, but never the boat. And I'm not at all worried. They are so mellow and easy to be with that it will be just what we needed this holiday weekend.

Sending you all love from Charleston. Pray that I dock better this time. Have a safe and happy holiday weekend. Mwah!

Dreamers stop, listen, and share

Sometimes when I get really motivated and determined, it is hard for me to shut down. I just want to continue down my path and get to my destination. I suppose that being driven is good. At the same time, there are good reasons to know when to stop and set current tasks aside.

I think it's a sign of good parenting when you recognize that you are about to miss a moment of importance with the kids, when you realize that what seems like a benign comment should actually become a conversation. The same is true of husbands and almost husbands. We can get so comfortable with each other that we stop paying attention.

Devoted as I am to the kids and Sam, I try not to let that happen...ever. And that's why the other night, even though I had been unplugged for most of the day as I drove to and from Charleston, I stopped working when he made a comment. It wasn't one of those benign comments either. He was pretty direct in his attempt to gain my attention.

Sam: What do you do when you know someone's about to make a huge mistake? Do you try to talk them out of it? Do you try to reason with them?

I closed the laptop and walked over to him on the screen porch. He has grown better and better at taking my advice, at listening to my opinions, at heeding my concerns.

me: What are we talking about?

Sam: One of my employees.

me: Ah.

He had been worried that one of his employees was about to leave him and start trying to do what Sam does. Let me tell you, it isn't an easy task. It really does take two people for it to run smoothly. We work together really well. We balance each other out. I am the memory. He is the knowledge. I am the organizer, the technologically advanced one. He is the sheer brute strength, the skills.

All and all, we made one rockin' unit to handle all that comes our way. He tried it without me. It didn't work as well. With me, we're a force to be reckoned with.

me: You can't walk him out of it. You can't stop him. He's a grown man. Sometimes they need to fail. Just let him know that you will always consider rehiring him if possible.

Sam: So, like kids, huh? I have to let him fail.

me: Yup. And he will. Look how long it took you to get all this going.

And I pointed out to him why he's so successful right now, what qualities make it work, and what qualities his employee lacks. I gave him some tips for talking to the bosses. He doesn't ever want this guy to try to steal work from him.

me: He doesn't have what it takes to politic. He has no common sense. Look at the kinds of things he says in front of me, to customers, and to you.

We talked until bedtime. He felt better.

Sam: I'm so glad I have you to talk to about these things. I really value your opinion. I just hope I can remember everything when the time comes.

me: You will. Trust me. You've got this.

There are times we have to remember that while ambition and drive are great, being there for those we love is even more important. Shut it all off once in a while. Spend time with those you want to keep around.

It's finally ours!

Some of you may have questioned my absence from the blogosphere yesterday. And I can explain.

I was in Charleston. Buying the boat.

Yes, she's finally ours. I drove the last payment down at the butt crack of dawn yesterday morning. I had forgotten how early 5:30am really was until I had to get up and get ready. The plan was to be on the road by 7am.

And I was!

I drove down and back by myself. I hated that. And I loved it.

Sure, it's more fun to have someone to share the drive with. It's more fun to have someone to talk to without wearing down the battery. It's more fun in general having someone to laugh and joke with about the entire experience.

Instead, all I had was the GPS. She has no sense of humor. She didn't laugh at a single one of my jokes. She was very serious and direct the entire trip. And she'd say stupid stuff like...

'You have arrived at your destination.'

Only I clearly hadn't. And sure enough, I'd scoot down an alley and across a parking lot and bam...there I was. Stinkin' GPS.

Or there were times she'd try to trick me. I can read. And the sign pointed to the left to register and title the boats. It was in English and had pictures. I got it. Oh, but the GPS was all...

'Turn around. Take a left on Fort Johnson Drive.'

Ha! I was already there. So I turned her off to shut her up.

Luckily, there are no laws about talking on cell phones while driving in North or South Carolina. That's why I called my mother, Pippi, Laura, Spring, Holly (who apparently has a new number she failed to give me), Rachel, my ex-husband, Sam's Dad, and my neighbor Priscilla. Good thing it was fully charged before I left the house.

Ah, but the sailboat, my dream...

It's ours. And with any luck, we'll be on it this weekend. We can start leaving things on it, like the grill and our blankets. We won't have to haul as much each trip. Just because they have those convenient totes doesn't mean I want to use them.

And we'll start getting games for the evenings and when rain forces us below deck. It's bound to happen. And I can't wait to weather that first storm...from the safety of the marina.

So much to look forward to. Our adventure is just beginning. It's bound to be big. And since it's paid for, no one can take it away from us.

Dreamers help others' dreams come true

It's the least I can do. Really. The very least.

Sam has given me all of my dreams lately. He has set aside all the women from his past...which should have been a given from the start. Hey, better late than never. He has made it possible for me to stay home and write while helping his grow the business. He is talking wedding in Key West when the work slows down. We're remodeling the bathroom and doing other projects around the house to make it a nicer living environment. We bought a sailboat because it was my dream. We're planning a cruise this winter.

And what does he want in return?

Really not much. He wanted to buy a friend's Civic so that he could fix it up and we'd have a car, a truck, and an SUV. He wanted a fun project for him. Since he works on houses for a living, fixing ours isn't fun. I get that.

So, he bought it over the weekend. It was stupid cheap. I can't complain.

He wants to get a new tattoo, Celtic. I saw the design he wants. It's cool. And tattoos are him. One day I will get the dragon fly I have been wanting. I don't want it until I lose some weight.

So, we'll get him his tattoo in the near future.

And, even though he hasn't said it, I know he'd like to see me at my ideal weight. I'd like to see me there, too. I just haven't been so motivated to do it. Only now, the more I think about it, the more reasons I have.

Take pictures, for one. There will be wedding pictures. And there will be publicity pictures. I have a really old picture attached to my Twitter and Facebook and Amazon...well, you get the idea. It's me three years ago. Safe to say it's a shade different than I look today. Especially the hair color.

And I want to look good on film. I don't want to be shocked by my appearance. I don't want to be ashamed to display the family photos or share them with those i love. So, I need to lose weight for that reason.

Of course, there's my health. If I can get in that preferred weight zone, I'll feel better. I'll be healthier. I'll decrease my chances of dying from a heart attack or heart disease or any of that yucky stuff. And I'll increase my chances of passing quietly in my sleep at some ripe old age instead.

Sam loves buying me clothes and making me look pretty. At the same time, I don't want to spend money on clothes and try on clothes when I'm frustrated with my size. While black is slimming, I could be in danger of looking a bit emo if I'm not careful.

It's all those things. I have to love new clothes and being healthy, and looking good more than I love food. And that's the problem. I haven't. What I do love more than food...Sam. And I want him to be proud to have me on his arm and in his bed and sharing his life. I'm going to do this for me and for him and for all the many valid reasons.

Time to give back to one who has given me so much. It's the least this dreamer can do.

It's like a dream come true

We have had so many projects in the works for so long. Sometimes it's easy to forget to move forward or maybe figure out how to move forward. We get bogged down with so many other details.

Like...

We have a company. And getting our own jobs has been a challenge. We have been so busy with sub-contracting jobs that it's easy to get content with that and forget that we have our own hopes and dreams and goals.

So we had a really important meeting on Sunday. We were called last week by a very important family in the community that represents the entire Jewish community. And they wanted to offer us an opportunity to advertise with them. Oh, and the beauty of it is that we would be the only home remodelers in the directory...for both North and South Carolina.

We definitely want to take advantage of that opportunity. We need to make sure that we have our own business coming in. We can't simply rely on other companies to supply us. And since we have income coming in from other areas, this is the best time to invest some of that money in advertising and self-promotion.

I feel really good about the direction we're taking. I feel really good about the changes that we're implementing. Business is good. And we are working our butts off to keep it that way.

Then, from there, we went to Jared's Jewelers. Want to know why?

We're getting married. Eventually. And we needed to buy wedding bands. So we did. Yup. We ordered wedding bands.

Can you believe it?

And the best part was that it was his idea, not mine.

Sam: I think we should go pick out wedding bands.

me: Okay.

Sam's going to be wearing a lovely tungsten carbide ring. It has a comfort fit band. And the design is tribal and perfect. It's precisely the ring I wanted for him. So we ordered it.

And then he picked one for me. It's white gold. And it's etched with a fantastic criss-cross design. We have a protection plan on it so that the salt water from our boat life doesn't ruin it.

We climbed into the car and I thought I was being remarkably calm and cool about the entire experience.

Sam: I know you want to about dance out of your skin right now.

me: Nah. I'm good.

But I had to turn my head and pretend to stare at something out the window so that he couldn't see me beaming. Thank goodness he was wearing sunglasses, the glow would have been blinding.

Thirty-two days. That's how long I have to wait for them to be ready. That's all.

And I have to admit...dream come true. I don't know when we'll make it to Key West to seal the deal, but it doesn't matter. We're on the way.

Knowing when to say when

I'm there. I can't fight it anymore. I have to do something about this.

Oh, and what am I saying when to?

Food.

I'm not getting any smaller. I can make any number of excuses, but the reality is that I'm still not eating well enough and I'm clearly not exercising...right? The walking, while I love it, is obviously not going to cut it.

I've gotta get serious.

We're going to be on the boat over the weekend. And I know me. The wife is younger than I am. I can handle that. I'm aging really well. Ah, but she's also popped out four kids. And if she's thinner than I am, I'll be unhappy all weekend. I will be completely inconsolable.

I hate putting myself through this. So, I'm going to get serious this week about losing weigh. One week. No excuses. No short cuts. No cheats.

I'm out of time. I have so much I want to accomplish. And while I have done a superb job of getting Sam and the business together this past week and a half, I have done a lousy job of getting me together.

Sure, I'm Tweeting more. I'm interacting more on Facebook. I have managed to keep up with my posting schedule. I have started a few more projects.

I just feel like I'm one of those 'Jack of all trades, master of none' people at the moment. And I can't afford to waste a minute of time. I have to have money coming in by this fall. I have to have my body back.

Maybe that isn't the right way to think of it. I have my body. I guess maybe I just want my body under control, my control, not the magical spell of momentary foodgasms followed by a lifetime of remorse.

Yes. I have some work to do. And I have the time to do it. I just have to follow through. That's what a dreamer would do...

Dreamers make the best cheerleaders

We do! And let me tell you why I think that is.

I think people who don't dream have very small lives. I think that instead of being happy for others and for their accomplishments, they tend to get bitter and ugly. They feel like life is passing them by. They see things others have that they want, but can't figure out how to attain. And those people turn into doubters. They are dream killers. They did, after all, kill their own dreams first.

Ah, but then there are we dreamers.

I live to cheer others on. Know why? It doesn't take anything away from me and my dreams. In fact, the more I see others being successful and happy, the more certain I become that the same can be true for me. I can be successful and happy.

Some would suggest that I already am successful. I know that I'm already happy.

The newness hasn't worn off yet. Not even close. The excitement about this fantastic life I'm having, still sparkly and shiny.

I read a post today on the Putrid Princess blog. She created a Bucket List. There's a lot of that going around. And she shared all the wonderful experiences that she still wanted to have, all the amazing places she wanted to visit.

Suddenly, I felt so spoiled. So much of what she wanted to do, I have already done and experienced. She wants to go to an aquarium. I've been to lots of aquariums, including the largest one in North America, second largest in the world. I love the Georgia Aquarium.

She wants to travel through Europe. I've already been to France and Italy. I've seen the best of it, as far as I'm concerned. There are places I still want to visit across the pond, like Ireland and Greece. Still, I can claim having spent time in Europe. 10 whole days.

She wants to see the Grand Canyon. I saw it from the sky when I went to California last summer. Thank you, Yahoo! It's incredible from up above. Some day, I'll see it from the ground.

All I know is that I've already had a really big, really great life. I have tons of plans for the coming year and for the future, but mostly...I don't have a Bucket List because I don't feel like there's anything I would really feel like I missed if I kicked the bucket immediately.

So, I cheer everyone else. I cheer on Krys with her big super secret plans. I cheer on Meredith as she works to carve out her place in the freelance world. I cheer for Jolene who has mastered working from home and finding true love. I cheer for Lisa as she starts over. I cheer for Becky as she struggles with infertility and fibromyalgia. I cheer for T, who is always so balanced and well-adjusted, the rock of our little family. I pretty much wish nothing but the best for everyone I come in contact with.

Have the best life you can. Live big. Dream big. And love with your whole heart.

Dreamers stay organized

Yup, that's what we try to do. If you are going to have a big life and big plans, you have to stay on top of things. And about the only way I know to do that is through mad organizational skills.

I'd like to introduce myself, I am the office goddess.

When I first started working with Sam, we discussed what my title should be. He loves thinking of me as his PA, personal assistant. We pondered calling me his PIT, partner in training. He already considers me his PFL, partner for life. Then there were some names that were never going to happen. Go ahead and use your imagination.

After working magic with numbers for days, I have decided that no title is more fitting than...office goddess. I have even convinced him he should bow in my presence. And he does. It makes me giggle. There are worse ways to live.

Now, aside from being able to work magic with numbers and master the invoicing, finding money with same tenacity and enthusiasm as a drug dog, I am uber organized. Yes, just one of my many specialties.

Sure, some might question my organization strategies, but what we have going on works. I am the keeper of the calendar. I can tell you, at a glance, who is working where, for what company, on what job, and how much we're invoicing for. That's organized.

I can even access these invoices in milliseconds and tell you what we've been paid on, what money we're waiting on, and if there are any invoices that are only partially paid. I love Quickbooks. It helps me stay organized.

We set out with a goal. We need to make $40,000 by winter. In addition to that, we need to make sure we get the bathroom remodeled for the kids. And there's a few plans for vacation time.

Life is looking so much more special, so much shinier and newer. And I think being organized, having a plan, and working towards those goals is going to make a big difference. Right now, we're on track. We've got this. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Dreamers do what they gotta do

Numbers are not my friend. They never have been.

Still, I find myself in a position where I am now in charge of all the invoicing for Sam and the business. I don't mind...mostly.

I like making his life simpler. I like helping out with our project. I love the Quickbooks program we are using.

So what's the problem?

One out of three companies is virtually impossible to invoice. Yeah. No exaggeration.

After spending hours finding money for him the other week, we're still waiting to find out if it's going to get paid. And after invoicing over the weekend, I discovered that they paid him twice for one job. Only after I went through what they owe him from past mistakes, we would really only have to credit them about half of that amount.

Not bad.

Oh, but trying to get it done takes an act of congress. I drove all the way to their office yesterday thinking that I would just meet with the woman in charge of their invoicing. She didn't have time to work with me, so I have to send it all in an email with attachments. And we're talking LOADS of attachments. This is why I wanted to meet in person. I brought the files. I brought the laptop. I went home disappointed.

Once we get this taken care of, I'd love to think that it will all be organized. Only with them...I doubt it. They are going to be my problem child. My weekly migraine. And I'm dreading the constant fights on so many levels.

Ah, but dreamers know that if they want the life they have planned, they have to suck it up and do what is needed to get there. So, I'll bite my tongue. And I'll stay super organized. And I'll waste tons of paper to back my claims up.

It'll be worth it. We'll have nice breaks this winter. I can't wait.

I keep using this word

Bliss.

That's the word.

I am euphoric. I'm trying to remember the last time I was this happy, this relaxed, this myself.

Nope. I've got nothing.

I realized it Monday afternoon. Sam came home while I was finishing up some work on the computer. I hadn't planned on him being home yet. I wanted to get to the library, check out some books on marketing and online business. I have a lot to learn. And I don't have a lot of time to make it happen.

Time flies.

In the past, I would have stayed home because Sam was there. I would have thought about what I wanted to do, but simply not done it because I felt that I needed to be there for Sam...at his beck and call.

Not any more.

Now I am comfortable going and doing what I need to do. It's a good thing I went, too. I discovered that the library would have been closed tomorrow. Can you imagine how out of my mind I would have been if I lost that much time? Yeah. It could have been ugly.

So, I'm ready to work today. I'm ready to get making money. I'm ready. I think that's the best part...feeling prepared.

I exercised. I cleaned. I wrote.

I'm on top of things.

Bliss.

I'm learning

I have to tell you, I've only been out of my job for a few days, but it has already been a big learning experience. Huge. And I can tell it's only going to get bigger.

First, I can completely understand why Sam needs my help. He worked until almost 9pm on Friday. Normally, I would have been going crazy wondering where he was and when he was coming home. Not an issue. I always know where he is now. He keeps in touch. And I'm at the house providing a valuable service.

Or I'm out and about providing a valuable service.

Friday, I worked on writing my articles. This is true. I completed ten of the nineteen that day. I also ran around for Sam. He asked that I pick up checks from two of the companies that he works for and make the bank run since the guys would be cashing their checks. No problem. Mostly.

So, I ran to Fort Mill first. It's about a twenty minute drive from the house over the border in South Carolina. I found prime parking on Main Street and sauntered into the office only to realize that it is where my spa used to be.

*sniffle*

My spa is gone! That's okay. I don't have money to spend on it at the moment, but I had big dreams of going there at some point on one of my magical days working from home. Yes, I was dying to have a pedicure there. Or maybe another body wrap. Or...a facial.

Now, I pick up checks. It's almost as good. Either way I leave relaxed and smiling, right?

Then I drove to the other location just outside of uptown Charlotte. It was a good forty minute drive. I was supposed to pick up some checks, drop off a check and some invoices so that there would be more future checks. And it didn't quite go as planned.

There was only one small check, a repayment from money that shouldn't have been taken to begin with. Long story. Bad bookkeeping by them. And by Sam. Now that I'm on the bookkeeping and using my new love, Quickbooks, we should be fine from here on out. A little too fine. My prediction is that they are going to hate me for my accuracies.

Oh, and while I was there, they gave me some jobs for Sam to complete during this week. And some windows. Seriously. I hauled my first set of windows. It was only two and a half round. Still, I felt very professional. I'm the big helper.

I headed to the grocery store and the bank. I headed home to write some more. It was a lovely night. And we were in bed early.

Then Saturday, more writing. I had to make my deadline. I finished the last nine articles and sent them at 4pm. After that I was toast and couldn't quite motivate to do anything else the rest of the night. As it was, Sam had spent the day on the couch in pain. But since I'm not sure he's ready for me to share all those gory details, that little tidbit will have to suffice for now.

That brings me to Sunday. After we spent the morning at the Urgent Care...the man has to be in working condition...we were home around lunch time. That's when I decided to sit down and work on inputting the last of the year's invoices. It feels good to be organized and together.

Ah, but that's when I realized it.

When you are self-employed, weekends aren't sacred. You work when there's work. You work all you can. You work to build work and make more work. And that's what we do. We'll have plenty of time for rest and relaxation this winter when work slows down for him. If I'm doing things right, it will never slow down for me.

Fingers crossed!

And I'll be living my dream in the winter months, a combination of remodeling our house and sailing the Caribbean. Doesn't sound half bad, does it?

All I know is that I'm happy. Monday is a whole new day, the first full week of my whole new life. Let's make it special.

Living the dream takes practice

I'm really sucking at it, so far. Really I am.

I had a plan. The day was going to be so productive. Really it was.

Only as we all know...my plans don't always quite work out as I intended. Dammit.

And so here I am struggling to get it together.

I've been struggling with a headache that has only grown worse. I need to break down and take something, but I'm not a pill popper. Not even ibuprofen.

My day started out behind. I slept in until 7am. It felt decadent.

I had celebrated and relaxed the night before. Instead of working on the blogs, I worked on Sam's business and did a bunch of invoicing. I worked on organizing him. And it's obvious that I'm nowhere near done. We're going to have to implement a computer program. I can feel it. And I'm not looking forward to it. These accounting programs don't run on their own. I'll be spending ridiculous amounts of time implementing them and inputting data. Dammit dammit dammit.

Once we're done, however, life will be easier. Ah, but for now...

So, the morning was a blur between me getting my Suddenly Single Journey post online and throwing in a load of laundry, getting ready for my meeting at 10am, and then the errands I had to run. Next thing you know, it's after noon and I'm headed home to do more work...not for me.

I paid the taxes. I organized the office some more. I ate. (I'll always have time for that.) I decided to catch up on my social media while I prepared to participate in the social marketing seminar at 2pm. So, I talked to Sahaja. And I talked to Rachel. And I had some messages that others want to talk.

Sam called. I had to take it. It was a minor interruption that cemented my belief that we need to get these invoices on computer. We had to check to make sure he wasn't overpaid by one of the companies. Doesn't look like it. That's good. I hate paying money back.

The day is growing late and I feel like I have accomplished...NOTHING. Well, nothing for me. I have yet to write any articles. Oh, and I have 19 due on Saturday. I have yet to work on any novels. And I need to get them finished and published...FAST!

And I'm supposed to be building up Rentable Me. I haven't so much as opened the email today.

*sigh*

There's a chance that I'm being too hard on myself. I do have that tendency. At the same time, I can't afford to be complacent. I can't afford to waste a minute.

Sam has given me a precious gift: the ability to stay home and write. Now, I just have to make the time to do it. It's not going to be easy....at least not as easy as I thought. When I look around, I see so many things that need doing. And I want them all done RIGHT NOW. I slacked off on the cleaning when Sam and I were on the outs. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Wish me luck.

Ummm, and if any of you work from home...want to give me some pointers? (Ahem...Jolene and Becky...)

It's like Ghost

That was THE movie my freshman year of college. And every girl wanted to learn to throw pots on a wheel after it. Not me. I knew my limitations.

Ah, but one of those limits was never about love. I just know that one day, eventually, I would meet someone that I was safe with, someone I could be real with. With this man, my love would know no limits. It would be boundless. And I would love him with my whole heart.

It wasn't my ex-husband. I loved him. Oh, but the love was tainted almost as soon as it had begun. And I wasn't passionate about him. Still, I knew he loved me and wanted me, no matter what.

Then there was Sam. There was a man I could love with my whole heart. We could talk about ANYTHING and often did. I loved the way he made me feel, and think, and pulled me from my comfort zone. I loved the adventure of our life together. I loved the way we worked so well together. I loved loved loved this man.

I love him still.

We have been different together lately. It feels like freedom. It feels like security. I don't need to cling to him. He seeks me out. I don't need to stick to him. He gathers me to him.

The other night, I gave him space and he came and snuggled me on the lounge chair. He even kissed me. Wow. Big. Major. Wow.

Sam: I know how you like your snuggle time.

And then we went to bed after staying up really late. And he sought me out in bed, even though it was hot, even though he should have wanted the space I was giving him. All night. Every time I was aware of his presence, it was because he was wrapped around me.

I'm not scared. Our lives grow more and more intertwined. And I'm calm and confident.

We're doing what we said we were going to do for the past two years. Two years of dreaming finally coming true.

Then yesterday morning.

We have grown accustomed to a hug before goodbyes and heading to work. Only he has started coming in for a kiss...which is why my eye was jabbed by his whiskers.

me: Ow.

And we tried again. A hug and a kiss.

I couldn't help it.

me: I love you.

It's like my heart swells and those words spill out. It's what I felt rushing through me in that moment.

Sam: Right back at you, babe.

Patrick Swayze's character said 'ditto.' I like our version better.

Dreamers stay on track

I'm still working on this one. I seem to get derailed so frequently. And it is my fault. Despite popular belief...I'm too nice.

I'm not as good at saying no as I'd like to be. I get caught up helping others when I should be helping myself.

Only, I think the reason I keep going that route is because I've never really failed. I've discovered that I work really well under pressure, even when that pressure starts to feel like a vice. And I manage to accomplish all these tasks despite being behind.

Last night I was sooooo far behind. I have a project due tonight. And all weekend, I kept getting caught up in other activities around the house. I began to wonder if I could really get done.

Now, however, I'm sitting pretty. No worries over my deadline. I'm good. I have one little article left to write that I can probably finish before work. I should even be able to deliver them before work.

Ah, the load is off my shoulders. So maybe the lesson here isn't that I need to stay on track. Maybe the lesson is that I need to know my limitations. And as long as I somehow manage to dig deep and focus long enough to accomplish what I need to, I'll be okay.

I've stopped beating myself up as much as I used to. I credit the Prozac. I just don't feel overwhelmed like I used to. Life is good.

Dreamers set lofty goals

We have to. We constantly want to reach for the sky.

Here's our most recent lofty goal. Ready? We need to earn $40,000 in the next 15 weeks. By then, work will start to slow down for him. And we need to have money stacked back to live on for winter.

It sounds like a lot, doesn't it?

Well, we did the math. Apparently, it's doable. Really. It is.

Sometimes these goals just seem unattainable because we've been hemorrhaging money for so long. Even yesterday as we talked about our financial goals, we were talking about all the places the money has to go. It costs a lot to maintain a house and two vehicles and some pets and kids. It really does.

So we crunched some numbers and made a plan for how to make the money. The cool thing is that we didn't count my potential earnings at all. What I make will be purely a bonus. It's all about what Sam can earn at the moment.

Don't get me wrong. There's plenty of pressure on me. He's giving me my dream, so I have to make the most of it. I have to make good on it. I have to make it pay off. I plan to. I'm not the slack off and sit back while he works his butt off type. That's one reason why he keeps me around.

We talked about that last night, too. One area we have always excelled has been at working together. We are a great team. Always have been for as long as we've known each other. It just kind of happened. And I treasure that. He told me that counts way more than anything else because in the long run, life as a couple is about being able to work together, work through problems. He's right. And if you can find someone you love and want to share everything with, all the better.

The walls are coming down. The secrets are non-existent.

It's funny. I was married for 16 years before. Separating from him wasn't that difficult. We were barely together in any respect. With Sam, our lives are so closely intertwined that trying to separate was so painful. We know all the passwords to each other's life, and we have joint emails and shared business...and now banking.

It's what I always wanted and imagined life was supposed to be. My dreams are becoming a reality. That's why we keep dreaming new dreams and keep setting loftier goals and shooting for the stars. We can accomplish anything because we are willing to work for it. That's the secret.

Dreamers dive in

Thursday is my first day working for myself. And Sam.

Some people have asked if I will be taking some time off, a little vacation before I get to work. These people clearly do not know me. Nope.

This dreamer dives right in.

I have to. Winter isn't so far away. And with winter comes an enviable lack of work. For Sam. For me, always the same amount of work...sometimes more.

I have to be in a position to stack back money or be steady through the winter. I never want to ever have to work for someone else again. Nope. I want to be the boss of me.

That's why I already have a meeting set up for Thursday. Yes, 10am Thursday morning will see me at Starbuck's near Trader Joe's meeting with a man that was a patient. He's someone I hope to do business with.

See, I'm always looking for areas to expand my writing. And one of those ways is in the travel forum. I've traveled a lot. I plan to travel more. And if I can make these experiences lucrative...all the better. That's where he comes in. Partially.

There's no time for me to take it easy yet. Ah, but if life keeps going the way I plan, then it won't feel like I'm working at all. Fingers crossed. I'm so excited to get going. These last few days of work are killing me. I'm ready to burst out into the world and soar.

Thursday. Soon enough. Almost there.

Dreamers find a focus

I can only handle so much change at any given time. I'm weak like that. I can only take on so much before I break. And that's where I've been.

Sam noticed. I was surprised at how observant he was, but he definitely noticed. Shoot. It couldn't be missed. For the past few weeks, I've struggled to even maintain the blogs, forget about getting ahead with any more writing.

Sam: Babe? You aren't on the front page any more?

For months I have had at least one article, sometimes multiple articles listed in the top ten on YourWisdom. Ever since I started writing for them eight months ago. Only now, I'm not.

Sam: What's going on?

me: You know what's going on. I haven't been able to write.

Sam: Things are better. You need to get back in the writing mindset.

And he was right. So now I write.

I have to. My projects are stacking up. My commitments are coming due. And I'm so ready to get back to working towards my dreams, to achieving my goals, to building for the future.

I wish I were better at it. All I know is that sometimes, dreamers need to shake it off and find a focus. Yeah, do as I say, not as I do. Or...not as I did. Because I'm doing it now. Now...it's on. I'm writing. It gets easier and better every day.

Dreamers don't freak

I remember early on in the relationship when I was spending half my nights with Sam and the other half at my house. For some reason, Sam wanted us to redecorate the master bedroom together. He kept talking about how he wanted me to be comfortable there. And I thought it was strange that he was redecorating for me. All the decorating was about us. And it just felt like it was too soon. I wasn't ready to embrace it. I was still on my year of separation before the divorce could be final.

I wanted to freak. But I didn't. I didn't embrace it, either. Instead, I maintained a healthy balance of commitment and disinterest that kept us together so he wouldn't freak.

We've had our ups and downs. And one thing that I've come to realize is that when he is finally committed, I need to accept and embrace it. That's all. Just accept. Just embrace.

We were dating other people when he asked me to marry him. Strange but true. And now he wants us to make the ultimate commitment. Not marriage, silly! Joint bank accounts.

For a man who makes waaaay more money than I do and who swore up and down that we'd never have joint accounts, this is a huge commitment. And it kinda scares me. I'm not gonna lie. I like having my own account. It makes me feel safe.

But his arguments make sense.

Sam: Babe, don't get scared on me. I have way more to lose on this than you do.

And he's right. He sure does. So, I should see it for the ginormous sign of trust that it is. And I should embrace that he wants to take care of me financially. And I should be thrilled that he wants to support me as I work towards all my writing goals.

So, I'm not going to freak. I'm not. This is big...no, huge.

Sam: I know it's not marriage, but it's close.

me: So, what's the hold out?

Sam: I don't know. Just gotta plan it, I guess.

We'll see. I'm not ready for that yet. One giant step at a time. I know we do everything backwards and inside out. I know that one week we're ready to kill each other and the next week we're tying our lives inexplicably closer together. For us, this chaos makes sense. For us, it works.

Dreamers embrace change

There are changes afoot.

Lots of them.

There are changes around the house. There are changes in my career. There are changes with the kids. Everywhere...changes.

And the thing about dreamers...we embrace change. We have to. There is no way to achieve dreams and follow dreams and grow without great change.

So, I'm not just willing to cope with the changes that we're facing, but I'm looking forward to them. I have so few days of work left and I can't wait to start the next chapter in my life. Keenan has expressed an interest in moving back sooner than later. And the house has never been so peaceful.

Seriously. Life is falling into place.

Don't worry. I'm not taking any of it for granted. I know that just as easily my life can come crashing to a halt. I know that it can completely implode. I know that this peace, this calm, this comfort, this happiness could be fleeting. But I refuse to live in fear. It's no way to live. It's a half life at best. And I have a whole lot of life to live. Can't do it halfway.

I'm going for big risks and big rewards.

Dreamers leap

There's this wonderful phrase that I have come to embrace...

Leap and the net will appear.

It's a bit scary, the entire concept. But it speaks to faith and self-confidence. Something about taking an enormous risk appeals to me.

I've learned.

See, I played it safe for years. I did what I was supposed to do. I married. I had children. And while I love the kids and pretty much anything having to do with my kids...I was miserable in the marriage. This is not news for anyone who knows me.

In my life, it is only when I have taken some risks that I have really reaped rewards. I have always loved writing. It is my passion. It is cathartic. It has always been my dream. When I finally took a chance and put my writing out there, I started to see the rewards of my efforts.

Soon, I had a faithful following. Soon, I had blog buddies. Soon, I had this entire network of love and support that I had never experienced before.

It gave me confidence to try more things, to put myself out there more and more. And it has paid off. I'm working with Yahoo! in several different capacities. I get paid for my freelance writing. And I even self-published on Kindle. (That's going pretty well, by the way.)

So, I'm about to take a huge leap. I'm being given the opportunity to work from home, to concentrate on writing, to live the life I've always dreamed of living. In the past, I might not have done it. I would have thought and over-thought. I would have reasoned and rationalized my way out of it. This time...I'm not.

I'm going to leap. I'm going to do what I've dreamed of for years. Wish me well. This means more novels to be published. This means more incomplete projects completed. This means my life will change dramatically. I need the change. I need to shake things up.

Let there be a platinum net...

My first fender bender, sailboat style

Being on board felt natural, right. When I was sailing, I felt even better. The wind was on my face, the sun was setting. That was the scene as we left the dock and headed out of the marina for our second sailing lesson.

I don't think, especially after having read the title, that to say there was much foreshadowing of the events to come would be a gross exaggeration. Nope. We started to reverse out of the slip, but the motor didn't seem powerful enough, not against the tide. It was coming in. And our motor was a 25hp outboard.

We waited a few minutes. We plotted. We planned. And the new plan was that we would walk the boat as far back, angled to take off, since no sailboat is particularly powerful in reverse. It was a good plan.

Our captain was at the wheel. I was sitting. Sam and Jonathon were untying the lines and pushing us off. It worked. We were headed in the right direction and making our way out of the marina, even if we had just narrowly missed about four boats. And I'm talking inches, not feet.

Still, we were breathing again and motoring past the bridge before we opened the main. The boat, a 27 foot Lancer, is more than respectable. And with the sails out, soooo very beautiful. Needless to say, we were aching to unfurl the genoa.

Sam was at the helm for the bulk of the trip. At the same time, I needed to learn how to sail the boat, too, just like he needed to know how to man the sails. So, we switched off. And I have to tell you, it felt good at the helm.

I felt, in the open water, like I could do no wrong. Even though Sam had to rely on the wind vane, I somehow felt it on my face and was able to steer and veer accordingly. It just felt right, like I had been doing it for much longer than I had been. There were a few scares for both of us, he came too close to a tanker, I couldn't get far enough away from a buoy. (It took me too long to understand what side of it I was supposed to be on and I had to wait for the boat to respond.)

We were out there for hours. And sure enough, we were heading back in, once again dealing with the tide. I was still at the helm, motoring in. That's when the captain decided I should be docking the boat.

Sam had docked last time...against a dock, not in a slip, certainly not around other boats. And I was suddenly very afraid. This dreamer knows her limitations.

me: Please don't make me do this. I really don't feel ready.

Captain: You did great. And you need to know how to dock.

Mmmmkay. Only, I really didn't see why I needed to learn to dock at that very moment. Nope. Not in the dark. Not dealing with the tide.

And I was right. Or it could have been my lack of confidence. But mostly, I think I was right. I wasn't ready.

It was like watching a train wreck.

There were screams to 'fend off.' That's pretty much where everyone scrambles to push off and prevent a collision with the other boats. We need to work on that...a lot. It was like bumper boats. We hit the outboard of the first boat, the bow of the second, grazed the stern of a third. We somehow made it toward the slip through what I can only imagine was sheer dumb luck or well aimed ricochet.

And we were coming in fast. Sam was over the side trying to push us off, slow us down, but it didn't help. We crushed the dock box. That's not an expression. It was literally crushed. And then before we could tie off, we were sliding toward the huge baycruiser next to us. Jonathon successfully fended off.

Finally, we were stopped. I was shaking. Sam was cursing. And the captain was trying to calm us down. The side of the boat was scratched. It was only superficial, but about four feet long. The guys left me to clean up the topside of our boat while they grabbed flashlights and went to examine the other boats.

When they returned, after determining all was well, we decided the dock box had to be dealt with immediately. Thanks to some tools and a cart, it was dumped and cleaned up within minutes.

I worried over how Sam would feel about sailing after that incident. I figured he would sour on sailing completely. Instead, his enthusiasm hasn't faltered. He's a true sailor. Well, he certainly swears like one.

Life onboard

I always wondered what life would be like on a boat. I would read other sailor's blogs and imagine what my life would be like if I were to do the same. And then Sam and I decided to pursue it.

We did some research, we found the boat, bought the first one we viewed. It was reckless. We're a bit reckless. I'm the dreamer. He's the adventurer. It's a wild combination.

The first time we went sailing, we thought we were going to stay on the boat, but it didn't happen. This past weekend was the first time we actually stayed on the boat. Three days, two nights. It was bliss. It was challenging, but still, mostly bliss.

When I imagined it, I thought camping on water with some more creature comforts. There's an air conditioner right next to the bed that blows on us all night long, so while we have given up an inner spring mattress, the foam with all the extra pillows and our blankets is very comfortable.

We dropped the table in the v-berth to try that out for comfort, too. Friends are dying to stay with us and go sailing. The kids will be coming. We needed to see what it was like. It was...surprisingly comfortable, surprisingly spacious. Oh, but watch out for that pole.

The boat itself is a tight fit. Two of us can't really be in the galley at the same time comfortably. The ladder takes up space. And since we only have a portapotty and not a marine potty, and since we made that rule...the head is mostly a changing room.

Oh, but topside at sunset...perfection. We sat there for hours and talked. We had a family staying on their boat next to us and the adults talked for a while. We listened to music. We stared up at the stars. It was lovely.

And then there was waking up in the morning. With the portholes just above my head, I could see the sky when I woke. It was incredible. I loved it.

Let's see...what didn't I love? The bathroom is so far away. It requires a lot more planning. The shower was also farther away. So while I worried over this sedentary life on a boat, there's still a lot of walking to do just for essentials. We had to walk more to get water. We had to walk to get ice. We had to walk to do most anything. Plenty of exercise.

And there were some moments that I just couldn't trade for anything...like swimming off the back of the boat and floating on the life preservers...like sailing by the most gorgeous parts of Charleston with the sun setting in the background...like nights with star studded skies and cool breezes. So much beauty and wonder abounded.

Life is slower paced, more casual. People are more tightly knit, a true community. Everyone is friendly and helpful. Clocks and time are superfluous. Instead, decisions are ruled by the weather and tides. I could get used to it. I'd love to try...