Dreamers don't freak

I remember early on in the relationship when I was spending half my nights with Sam and the other half at my house. For some reason, Sam wanted us to redecorate the master bedroom together. He kept talking about how he wanted me to be comfortable there. And I thought it was strange that he was redecorating for me. All the decorating was about us. And it just felt like it was too soon. I wasn't ready to embrace it. I was still on my year of separation before the divorce could be final.

I wanted to freak. But I didn't. I didn't embrace it, either. Instead, I maintained a healthy balance of commitment and disinterest that kept us together so he wouldn't freak.

We've had our ups and downs. And one thing that I've come to realize is that when he is finally committed, I need to accept and embrace it. That's all. Just accept. Just embrace.

We were dating other people when he asked me to marry him. Strange but true. And now he wants us to make the ultimate commitment. Not marriage, silly! Joint bank accounts.

For a man who makes waaaay more money than I do and who swore up and down that we'd never have joint accounts, this is a huge commitment. And it kinda scares me. I'm not gonna lie. I like having my own account. It makes me feel safe.

But his arguments make sense.

Sam: Babe, don't get scared on me. I have way more to lose on this than you do.

And he's right. He sure does. So, I should see it for the ginormous sign of trust that it is. And I should embrace that he wants to take care of me financially. And I should be thrilled that he wants to support me as I work towards all my writing goals.

So, I'm not going to freak. I'm not. This is big...no, huge.

Sam: I know it's not marriage, but it's close.

me: So, what's the hold out?

Sam: I don't know. Just gotta plan it, I guess.

We'll see. I'm not ready for that yet. One giant step at a time. I know we do everything backwards and inside out. I know that one week we're ready to kill each other and the next week we're tying our lives inexplicably closer together. For us, this chaos makes sense. For us, it works.