Dreamers at sea

Yeah, I went sailing over the weekend.

It went something like this...

I hit an all-time low, which had me at the doctor for a little pick-me-up. I couldn't find a place to live. I was inconsolable. And all the while Sam tried to console me.

It didn't work...really. I'm here. For now. And I have no idea where I'll be forever. I don't think he knows either. But...for now...we're living together. We are working together. We are moving forward with the sailing dream.

So, when he asked what I wanted to do over the weekend...was it surprising that this dreamer wanted to set sail? I need the water like meat needs salt. And that's why we drove to Charleston. Well, that's part of why. We've still been struggling with what to do about the boat.

The minute I stepped onto the dock...I felt it. Calm. Peace. I was home. The walk to D dock is long. The walk to our slip is even longer. But I mounted the boat with the same grace I mount a horse...not much. And we had our supplies for the weekend moved in within minutes. Thus the relaxing began.

It was about 3pm, still way too hot for it to be truly enjoyable, but it was. We talked about how we wanted the weekend to go, what we hoped to accomplish on the boat. It was a project and a half.

What mattered was that I was able to watch the sunset from the topside of the boat while sipping a margarita. It was a little bit of my dream. We saw so much wildlife in the marshy areas surrounding the docks...blue heron, pelicans, turtles, and crabs of all sizes...too many fish to count. And there were porpoises again, the first day, trailing us to our slip. It was lovely.

We made some new friends. We connected with old friends. We thoroughly enjoyed the peace and quiet...the solitude. I brought my computer in anticipation of accomplishing a bunch of writing, but it wasn't to be. There was too much activity...even though the pace had slowed considerably. Way too slow for me to adjust to. Oh, but I'd love to try.

We swam off the back of the boat. We floated on life preservers. We accomplished some of what was on the list. Did I mention what a long list it was? And we waited and waited and waited for our sailing lesson.

Tomorrow...read about liveaboard life.

Dreamers follow their passion

I've been working on promoting my novels. It's a lot of work. I must love it, though, or I wouldn't be so determined to do it.

That's the thing about doing what you love. When you're working on it, no matter how hard, no matter the struggles, it's worth the work. And it doesn't feel like work. It's exciting.

So, I have been working with Business2Blogger for a while now. I have participated in several of their campaigns. I was always the blogger.

Now, I'm on the other side of the coin. Now, I'm working as the company. Yes, I have an author campaign running. I have hired a few bloggers to read my novels, write about them. and then host giveaways of the novels on their sites.

As a blogger, I know how much our words mean. I know how much our opinions matter. And that's why I'm eager to work with them. Make that...really eager.

The results will take some time to truly be noticed. I guess I need to look for some online book clubs next. I am determined to get this thing going. I need to have the time to write. It's my passion. And if there's anything dreamers do, it's follow their passion.

Where's your passion? Are you following it? Never stop chasing your dreams.

Dreamers don't settle

The search for new digs is not going well. I have much working against me. I have credit issues and a modest income. I have cats. I need a place big enough for the kids.

That's why I spent last night mostly in tears. All night. And why I'm threatening to cry again this morning. And if I really need to, I'll do it, too. I almost can't help it.

Sam had called me while I was heading out on my lunch to apply at the apartment complex. He wanted us to discuss the boat. Would we be interested in being co-owners? We could own it together until one of us could afford to buy the other out. And I couldn't think about it at the moment. I had to know how much money I needed to move into a new place and furnish it.

But really, I knew I didn't want the boat without him. It was a dream we dreamed together. It would seem hollow and empty not sharing it with him.

I thought I'd have an answer for him after work. Only my answer never came. I never heard from the apartment complex. So, I called them. It wasn't looking good. They would have to speak to the property manager. And let me know...well, today.

And I'm not good living in limbo. I have to have a plan. I struggled with what to do. Sam sat on the lounge chair and I sat on the hearth. We talked as I ran through my limited options. I have blown through so many already. And he said it.

Sam: Just stay here.

Ah, but on what terms? I kept declining. We would talk more. He would discuss our relationship, the issues we had, how he never truly embraced it, how I was so emotional, how I made him crazy. And he wondered over why we couldn't make it work. He brought up our bond and our history.

me: You. It's always you.

And for the first time ever, he acknowledged it.

Sam: Maybe it is me.

I explained to him our life from my perspective.

me: Do you have any idea how hard it has been for me all these years living in the shadow of your exes? I hear about Nessa and her beautiful face as she continued to pop up in our life. Our worst day EVER started because of her. And I have to hear about these amazing bodies that Emily and Melissa have. All I ever wanted was for you to get rid of them and give us a chance. It's hard to be happy, living in fear.

Sam: They weren't an issue for me.

me: Maybe not, but they were an issue for me. I never felt secure. I never felt like you were committed. You never followed through with any of your promises...not even the swingset.

We talked all over the house for hours. He would come over periodically and rub my shoulders, neck and arms. He would wrap himself around me.

Sam: Just stay, Nicki. Stay.

me: I can't be your roommate. I can't be demoted like that. I'll never move on that way.

He nodded, admitting the truth of that statement.

Sam: Seeing you sad kills me. You can't stand being around me, can you?

And the tears began again.

me: I can't. It hurts too much.

It does. All of our talks of what almost was. He told me he wanted to just say that we'd work on things, give it another try, but what sense does that make? If he won't change...it means I can't change. And I need to be happy.

Sam: I'm putting my foot down. You're staying here. I'll build you that swingset. Just don't drive me crazy and I won't drive you crazy.

It's not enough. I need love. I need to feel loved and wanted more than anything in the world. It feeds my soul. I can't settle. I don't know where I'll go, but I know where I can't stay.

Dreamers support one another

It's clear that I have become Rachel's new project. She can't wait for me to move. She can't wait for us to get our fresh start.

Yes, us. OUR fresh start. My kids are coming home. They don't want me to dream alone. They even mentioned a little something about missing me. And I think they hate how much time they spend alone. I get invited over to their father's house with alarming regularity.

So, we have a plan to work on. We're looking for furniture for the new place...the one I don't have yet. We're looking for a bed most of all.

Rumor has it, if I end up where I want to end up, I'll be getting a built in washer and dryer and a microwave. So, that would be one huge problem solved. I don't want to have to deal with buying and moving a washer and dryer. Too much work.

Ah, but the bed. This is something we're really excited about. I've never bought my own bed before. My very own bed. I feel so big. And I only had to wait 38 years for it. Seriously.

I know what I like...mostly. I know what I want...almost exactly. I'll get it...eventually.

Thus, bed shopping and apartment hunting will begin. We have a plan. And Rachel is so excited that she's started bookmarking furniture that she likes and thinks will be perfect for us. We'll see. There's a lot to consider, first and foremost...money. And I need mine to hold out for as long as possible. I've got no safety net. It's all on me.

Sometimes, I think I should be more scared than I am, but I know I can do this. I've done this before. I've got this. I have to. I have two kids depending on me. And I'm so glad that I do. They are my heart and my strength, my inspiration.

We have a good life. Well, we did before. And we will again. Together.

Atlanta, ho!

That's what we had written on Rachel's birthday cake that we picked up Friday night before we left for Atlanta on Saturday. We rarely ever say anything as common as 'Happy Birthday' on a cake. Through the years we have opted to 'Welcome to puberty,' 'I love dinosaurs,' and 'Rachel is cool.' The cake decorators mostly don't question it.

This was a momentous occasion. We have never been on a trip alone together. Never. Not in all these years. We've been with the ex and friends and Sam, but never just the three of us. It was important. It was special. It was even better that it was one of our favorite places. Third trip to Atlanta together, first time just the three of us.

So, we left after Rachel finished work on Saturday...in my rental car. She was hungry so we only made it as far as Cookout in Gastonia before our first stop. Yeah, stop number one was thirty minutes into the four hour road trip. Then there was the stop for drinks and Tums an hour after that. Did I mention she had a shake with dinner even though she's lactose intolerant? And we stopped later for a bathroom break at the Atlanta welcome center. And we stopped for more drinks. Yes, we consumed roughly two gallons of liquid between the three of us. Thirsty kids.

We managed to get lost at least once on the way to the hotel. Rachel was navigating. And suddenly I would hear...

Rachel: Oh. Oh. Um...I skipped a step.

We made it there. Thank goodness we recognize enough of the city. And we had a plan. Get sushi. We're practically hobbits what with our first and second dinner.

That's when I learned how to work the GPS. We weren't so comfortable taking directions from the homeless man. Apparently the new phone will help me find my way even walking. Ru Sans in Buckhead was an always stop, part of the tradition. Rachel insisted on paying. I let her.

We went to bed and enjoyed a nice breakfast downstairs. We had a schedule in mind, a plan to return the AVIS vehicle before the mall closed. It was a good plan.

We stayed on track time wise and walked to the MARTA. We love the train. We managed to get on the right one and make it to Five Points, the central hub, before taking it one stop westbound for the aquarium. There were a ton of people and we were a little nervous when it seemed they were all getting off with us. They were, but because there was an autism walk near the aquarium.

We sat and watched the whalesharks for a long time. We pet everything that we could pet. Go gently on the sea urchins. If you never heed another word of advice...take that one at least. We watched the fountain show in Centennial Park.

We headed back to the vehicle with the intention of hitting a gas station, getting on the road and finding something to eat along the way. It mostly worked out. We hit some snafoos. I thought all gas tanks were on the driver's side. Silly me. And the drive was pretty smooth.

It is also a little known fact that there are roughly 46 Zaxby's between Charlotte and Atlanta. We didn't eat there. I'm not ready to do a lot of things that I did with Sam. And we ate at Zaxby's every time we went to Charleston.

So we ate at Sonny's. We've never eaten there before and it was a trip of firsts. The food was great, but the pricing didn't match the decor. In the end, we felt like it was a really pricey barbecue joint.

And then we hit construction in Gaffney. Normally, I wouldn't mind. I could look at the peachbutt water tower all day, but I wanted to return the car before the mall closed. It was a good plan. It didn't happen, but it was a good plan. The construction put us an hour behind.

It was a great trip, punctuated by many funny moments...happy memories...perfect quality time. I'm looking forward to many more. The kids are on board. We're planning our next trip already. Can't wait.

A post in pictures

I'll have much to share tomorrow. For now...here's what we've done so far...

We made four stops for a four hour drive. It was so relaxing. And the kids were funny. I didn't have to threaten to pull the car over once.

We made it to the hotel and decided to have second dinner. Ru San's Buckhead. Yum. Long story...learned how to use my GPS.

We went to bed around 11pm in anticipation of a big day today. Yay, whalesharks. We'll have to watch the clock. We can get sucked in at an aquarium.

More tomorrow. Enjoy the pictures!

Dreamers hit the road

Today, this weekend...ROAD TRIP! It's going to be the first of many. That this one is my first, super special.

Yup, we (me, Rachel, Keenan and her boyfriend, Austin) are heading to Atlanta. Hotlanta, here we come! It's going to be a brief trip, but jam packed with fun!

See, Rachel's birthday is next weekend. She turns the big 17! How is it possible I'm old enough to have a 17 year old daughter? Wow. Anyway, for her birthday she wants to go to Atlanta. We'll be hitting the aquarium. We have a thing for the whale sharks. Okay, maybe a little something for the Beluga, too.

Water is therapy for me. So, we'll have a blast being close to a gajillion gallons of it.

We're staying at this fantastic hotel we've stayed at before. I'm really looking forward to it. We've packed board games for the hotel. We may hang out in the pool. There will be a continental breakfast in the the morning. And then...the aquarium.

So, I'm going to enjoy the time with the kids. And when I get back, I'll throw myself into my writing and my packing. I have much to do. I have some time to do it in. Let's not look too far into the future yet. Right now...road trip with the kids. And...breathe.

See you Monday...unless there was some validity to that whole rapture thing. In which case...I'm glad I'm going to be with the kids.

Dreamers deliver

At least...this dreamer does.

I have so many things going on right now. I have a deadline this afternoon even. And I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to be close. My challenge getting the work done was exacerbated by the fact that I normally use S's computer because it has the program I need...and I haven't had it to use.

I have to meet the kids tonight to watch Rachel's play. I'm really looking forward to it. I can't wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. I promised Rachel a road trip for her birthday and we're going to her favorite place: Atlanta. Gawd help us. We had stories from that place...which does make me a little leery about the trip. Somehow I think we'll manage.

And I'm supposed to be really focused and productive at work. We're thisclose to making goal. And quite honestly, I need the money. Instead, I can't do as much as I'd like. I have to entertain patients far too much. We always seem to be running behind or they show up early. So, while they tend to be generous with me, bringing me chocolates, and books, and most recently...pies...I need to get more work done than I do.

The biggest problem right now is that I want some time off. I have it to take. I just want to have some times to work on me. I want some time to do nothing but write without feeling guilty. Is that so much to ask?

At the moment, it is. I have to do everything I promised everyone else. There will be time for me eventually. I'll take it. I'll make things work. For now, I follow through and make everyone happy.

There will be time enough for me...soon.

Dreamers know when to let some dreams go

So, I came home from work yesterday. I knew Sam had been stopping by here and there, but so far we had successfully managed to avoid seeing each other. It's my fault. I jinxed it with a day count in my writing.

I warned him in advance, just in case. He told me he was there. I told him I was coming home and to leave. In the end, we were in the same place, the same space, at the same time. And it was uncomfortable.

To say the least.

I was trying not to talk to him. I don't really think there is anything left to say. Talking implies that I want to work through things. And I don't anymore. I can't. It never lasts. The changes don't stick. In fact, as part of the blowout that I'll be sharing in a second, he mentioned that I try to change him into something he's not. I'm not sure what that is. He claimed that he liked that I made him a better man. Maybe being a better man is too hard to maintain. That must be it.

And so he was annoyed that I wasn't speaking. I have turned it into something of an art form. Years of practice.

Sam: So, we're done being civil.

me: I think civility went out the window when you stopped taking my phone calls.

And so he went about a lengthy explanation of the events of Saturday. In the end, all we agree on is that it shouldn't have ended that way...which is not to say we want it to start back up. We seem to be in agreement on that point, too. We're done.

Still, I don't know how to be around him.

What does it matter, you ask?

He wanted to move back in. He has claims on the house. And so, he spent the night...mostly making me miserable. He's mean in the best of times, so when he no longer cares and takes the gloves off...ouch. And soon I was crying...no, sobbing. I shut myself in the bedroom with my body just shook with sobs. It was horrible.

He took the hint. I'm subtle like that. He tried to explain that he was trying to be as vicious as possible so that it would stick this time. I can only assume this is because he worries that he'll cave because I never go chasing after him. He remembers the good stuff and comes after me.

Finally, we spoke. He was on the couch. I was in the hall doorway.

Sam: I'll leave tomorrow. I won't come back until you're gone other than to take care of Bishop. You won't have to see me again.

me: I think that's best.

I really do. For reasons I can't understand, he claims I make him miserable. I know why he makes me miserable. It's his dark moods that he doesn't admit that he has. They linger. They have me walking on eggshells. They have me quiet and sad.

I'm not good with being quiet and sad. I'm the vibrant and happy type. Just, apparently, not with him. That in and of itself makes me sad, that someone else has so much control over my moods.

It's time to let go. It will never work between us. I see him, working on the computer or sitting on the couch. He's a stranger to me now. Three years of my life and I don't feel like I know him anymore. Maybe in some ways I never did.

Someday there will be someone who stirs a new dream. Until then, this dreamer dreams alone. And I'll never stop dreaming.

Dreamers see inspiration everywhere

We have to.

It takes a lot to sustain dreams.

So, it's no wonder that I found this fantastic little quote on Twitter to keep me going the other morning:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Yeah. It was perfect. It could become my new mantra.

That's precisely what I'm doing. I'm moving forward with my biggest dream: being a successful author. After just a few days, it's a start. I started work with a company today that will help me find bloggers to promote the books. We know how important that is. And I'm working on learning how to market myself and the books better.

I don't have enough reach yet. It's improving, constantly, but still. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go.

On the bright side, I have time. I have nothing but time to myself most evenings. I get to work whenever I want with only a few furry distractions. I get to go to bed when I want and get up when I want. I get to be as loud as I want, stumbling around in the dark. Life is good. I'm happier.

Sure, there are moments of weakness, but they are brief. And I have to allow myself time to grieve for the life I no longer am going to have. At the same time, I now have the freedom to create a better life, a bigger life. I don't have anyone holding me back. And when I finally find someone to share my life with, he won't be the kind of guy to hold me back, either. He'll offer me love and support, just like all the heroes in my books.

For now, I'll get lost in my writing. I'll keep dreaming my big dreams. I'll seek out inspiration and spend time with inspiring people. I see so much good in people, in my life, in my future. And I know I'm blessed to have so many wonderful individuals to share my life with.

Where do you find your inspiration?

A new day, new novel

Yesterday I was all about promoting the new novel with its cover: First a Dream. I love my cover artist, Donna Casey. She's possibly one of my best finds to date. She's fast and she's good. We're just beginning a long relationship. Yup. Wouldn't take much for it to last longer than previous one.

*sigh*

Well, I had a rough evening. I discovered that Sam is planning on buying the boat without me. And since that was my dream, it was like a knife in the heart. And though I have been doing fan-freakin'-tastic up until now, I cried. Maybe I just needed to. Maybe it's part of the grieving process. At least, that's what I'm going with. Yup. I'm mourning what could have been, should have been, and what will never be. It hurt enough for me to text him that I officially hate him.

I just felt...betrayed.

Much like Sarah did in Worth the Wait when she walked toward her car one morning, glanced inside her husband's vehicle and discovered a Victoria's Secret bag with lingerie not for her. At that moment, she knew her marriage was in trouble. Later that night when she went to her husband's restaurant and found him kissing the other woman, she knew her marriage was over.

It was then that her good friend, Brian, swooped in to help her pick up the pieces. In fact, he seemed to magically appear whenever he was needed. The trouble with having male friends, however, is that eventually they all seem to want more. And Sarah wasn't sure that she was ready for that. To make matters worse, she discovers her mother has been less than forthcoming about her heritage and she's dealing with a crazy stalker.

This novel is darker than First a Dream. I have tried a lot of different styles. Eventually, I'll find my niche. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy my efforts. I have to admit, I don't write with a reader in mind. I write because it has to come out, because I have a story to tell. And I do love telling stories.

Recently, I have been bolstered in my efforts. I have received some high praise from one of the women who purchased First a Dream. She emailed to say she doesn't normally read romance novels, but she purchased it because she likes my writing style on the blog. Apparently she was so engrossed in reading, she didn't even notice her elliptical had timed out. So, apparently, I can make your workout painless. There's that...

Visit my author page on Kindle. The books are moving up the charts. Thanks for all the support!

Dreamers dust themselves off

Yup. That's what this dreamer is doing.

I could be wallowing. I've done it before. It's not a good look for me.

I could be so depressed that I can't function and can't focus and can't accomplish much of anything at all. I've lived that way for too long. I've lived like that because of Sam before.

It made me feel weak. And I'm anything but weak. I can take on the world.

That's what I'm doing right now.

This week marks a week of shameless self-promotion. That's right. I'm promoting myself, or more specifically my books, on Rentable Me. I figure that if I don't promote me, who will? Oprah? Gawd, I'd die happy if Oprah promoted me. That would solve a whole lot of problems. I'd be set.

Woops. See, sometimes dreamers get distracted and dreamers digress. Let's face it, Oprah is not going to promote me. I'm on my own here. Hence the week of shameless self-promotion.

So, let me tell you a little something about First a Dream. It was the first novel that I ever finished. And believe me, I've started soooo many. I was rather compelled to finish this one, since it is the expanded version of my master's thesis.

I love fairy tales. When I saw that there was an entire class on fairy tales offered in college, I took it. And when I discovered that I could complete my thesis by researching all the Cinderella variants and writing my own, I took it. That was some of the easiest writing and research I had ever done. Rachel was 7. Keenan was 3. We read all the Cinderella stories together. It was fun.

So, when it came to writing my own, I took some aspects of my own life. And I wrote the ultimate story of hope. Most people read romances based on single women who have never been married. I wrote this for real women. So many of us have married badly the first time and feel trapped because of the children. I wrote a tale about a woman who was given a second chance at happiness after marrying badly.

Isabella was an aspiring photographer who struggled to capture moments of happiness on film because they were so fleeting in her own life. After she caught her husband in a compromising position with her sister, she knew that happiness was even more elusive. She decides to focus on her kids and her career, finishing her schooling.

A spoiled playboy, Gabriel can't stand being bored. When he spends a summer studying in a small college town almost an hour from home, he meets Isabella and thinks she'd make a lovely distraction. That was the plan. And unlike the rest of his carefully plotted life, it didn't quite work out that way. Soon he finds himself invested in a doomed relationship. His father will never give them his blessing.

I'm never sure about how much plot to give away. If you'd like to read the book, it can be found on Amazon. Don't let not owning a Kindle stop you. Kindle can be downloaded on PCs, Macs, iPhones, iPads, Droids, etc. And it's free! My books, however, not. Practically...at $2.99. Check it out. Tell your friends. And let me know what you think of my first cover. Cool, huh?

When dreams die

Because sometimes dreams do.

As you know, Sam and I have been struggling for some time now, but yesterday we finally stuck a fork in it. I think it was mostly a mutual decision seven though I was the one who ultimately said the words. He fell off the grid and refused to take my phone calls all day. You don't do that if you want to be together.

He told me later that he hadn't been with another girl, like I suspected. He claims he was only by himself, thinking and driving around. Trust me, the man hates spending money on gas. He drives a truck that guzzles gas. He wasn't driving around. And he claims that he was simply sitting at times in the mall parking lot. He hates that, too. Plus, he has serious credibility issues, since he has lied to my face so many times. I warned him early on that I rarely asked a question I didn't already know the answer to, still he would lie.

So no trust. That will hurt a relationship.

At some point over the past few weeks with him going back on his word yet again, I just fell out of love. (No swingset. No baby making. No wedding.) Yes, as much as it pains me, I can't love him any more. That's when it's really over. Really really really over. I've done the loveless relationship. I didn't struggle through a divorce to get a second chance built on empty promises.

I had to call and cancel the boat. I don't know of any way to buy the boat and get an apartment. The boat, while a liveaboard, is three hours away and I can't live on it full time anyway, only long weekends at most. They have rules. So, there's that.

And because we were supposed to be together forever, I started selling much of my stuff when we moved in. So, I need a washer and dryer. I need living room furniture. I don't have a dining room set, but we never really ate at the kitchen table anyway. I could use a computer desk, though. I imagine I'll be turning the dining room into an office, since I have way more use for that. You know, in the place I don't have yet.

I'm not sad. I'm mostly relieved. Sure, there are things that I'm going to miss...our house that we've remodeled together for three years, the neighborhood I lived in since even before him. I never had security. He never gave that to me. And the relationship itself was so much work. I won't miss that, either. I'll sort of miss having someone to share my dreams with, but he didn't know how to dream big enough. Now it's all on me.

He did manage to hurt me one last time with his words before we parted ways. He told me that I took way more than I gave. Maybe someday he'll see that differently, but the way he calculates things he may not. All I know is that I saved his house. I made the phone calls. I set the appointments. I filled out the paperwork. I faxed and copied and turned it in. All he ever had to do was show up and sign. You're welcome, Sam. Hopefully, someday he'll look back and realize that I was the catalyst that made almost everything not related to work in his life happen.

So, I'm going to be busy. I have to work on my new dreams. I have to work on funding those dreams. If you'd like to help, buy my books loaded on Kindle...and tell all your friends. Tomorrow my week of shameless self-promotion begins. Wish me luck!

Dreamers get it done

That’s right. The best kinds of dreamers are those who don’t simply sit around thinking and imagining, but will put in the time and effort to see their projects to fruition. And that’s the kind of dreamer I am.

This dreamer is getting published. Okay, it’s only self-publishing…for now. Still…published is published.

Next week will be a week of shameless self-promotion. I’ve already worked on creating an author page on Amazon. That’s right. There are bios on FrankMcCourt, Amanda Hocking…and little old me. (Well, not really old…just an expression.)

Ah, but let’s face it. Right now, Amanda Hocking is currently my hero. Tired of the traditional publishing methods, she did what dreamers do: she got it done. She self-published and is now getting a huge payoff for all of her efforts. She’s already a millionaire.

I don’t care about being a millionaire, but I would love to make this my career. I would love to be able to do this full-time. I have a plan. I’m working it. And I’m just dying for the big payoff from all my efforts. It will come.

In the meantime…I’m working my little fingers into nubbins. (I have tiny fingers to match my Cinderella feet.) It’s pretty much just everything in the middle that needs some serious shrinking.

*sigh*

One day.

In my mind, I dream that with my writing career will come more time to exercise and eat write. That’s my dream. In time. Oh, but my mental deadline says end of summer. We’ll see. With some luck and a whole lot of perseverance, I’ll get there.

In the meantime, we outfit Plan Sea . We practice sailing on the weekends. We find more fodder for my novels. (I find it EVERYWHERE!) And next week, I’ll have stories for you, back stories to some of my novels. Yes, my life is stranger than fiction. Some of it, I just can’t make up. And I actually like it that way.

If there’s anything dreamers do, it’s live a big life. And I’ll take mine unconventional, thank you. With a margarita.

Dreamers dig deep

Yup. That's what dreamers do.

We have a goal in mind and we know that in order to achieve it, we have to work toward it. We have to make it happen. These things don't just come to fruition all by themselves. They need a gentle nudge or even a full on shove in the right direction.

So, when I decided that I needed to pursue being published and go the self-publishing route through Amazon, and when I decided I really wanted to pursue working from home, I knew none of this would come easily. In my life, nothing does.

I'm used to it. I have been told it builds character. In that case, I'm just dripping with character. It's positively oozing out of my pores.

We're all about some blood, sweat, and tears around here.

I remember that line from Empire Record where Liv Tyler's character talks about having 24 usable hours in every day. Of course, we later discover that she's a speed freak. Regardless, she made great use of her time.

That's what I try to do. As I write this, activity is happening all around me. Sam was working on the truck, but since he has to wait on Ed to get some of the tools he needs... he's on the garage couch resting. Bishop is wandering just outside the garage, trying to figure out how he can best get into trouble, no doubt. And a fan is blowing on me....thankfully.

I've spent the better part of all my free time writing and revising, formatting my novels. I've spent time at work. I've spent time in training.

And you'd think I'd be getting thinner, since the one thing I am not spending time doing is eating. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still manage to squeeze that in. It's simply that meals are not the priority. Unfortunately, neither is exercise. I do have to sleep sometimes.

I'm not minding all the hard work. For some reason, I am convinced it is about to lead to a big payoff. Maybe even a huge payoff. We'll see. All I know is that I can't let up. Not one little bit. I'm just going to keep pressing on until I achieve what I set out to do.

How close are you to achieving your dreams?

I got the job

Yup.

I walked into the interview. I wasn't stressed or scared or worried or nervous. I wanted it. I knew I could do it...whatever 'it' was. And I seem to have nailed it.

Maybe it's because I have a rather impressive writing resume. Maybe it's because I'm confident in my writing abilities. Maybe it's because Sam is confident in my writing abilities, too.

Sam: When it comes to writing, I have absolute faith in you. You are very talented.

So before I had even left the interview, I was being offered the position. And it started last night. Well, the training started last night. The actual job won't start until next week.

I'm going to be working some pretty crazy hours. That's what happens when you are interviewing business people in Australia. Guess I'll adapt. And I'll learn to say things like...g'day, mate! Or, I'll just be myself and that will have to be enough.

After this week of training, I will only be working three nights a week. And after three weeks of proving myself, I'll be able to work from home.

There it is: my dream in a nutshell. I get to work from home soon enough.

And if I make the kind of money they are telling me I will...well, I can retire my day job. I can concentrate my efforts on my writing. I can work on my marketing efforts.

Know what?

I can do this.

I believe it. It seems like I have been ready for this for so long. It seems like my entire life has been building to this. It seems like life is turning around, like luck is on my side, like I really can live my dream.

Keep your fingers crossed. I'm chasing my dreams here. I hope you are, too.

Dreamers hope

That's what we do.

We hope. And we keep on hoping. We find that little fire inside, that small spark, and we nourish it.

It isn't always easy.

There are those out there who would like to kill our dreams. There are those who have forgotten how to dream, how to hope for a different life, something better than merely existing. And so they try to keep us dreamers grounded. They try to blow out our flame.

Never let that happen.

Want some hope? Okay...here it is.

Life can be better. It can be everything you dream it to be. Just dream it and do it. Make it happen. Expect to hit some stumbling blocks, but work through them. Evaluate the dream, then dream some more.

I'm living my biggest dream ever. Right now. Even though life isn't perfect...it's coming around. I'm about to have every little thing I've wanted. I really am. You know what I want...ask me. I'm getting it.

And it all started with the simple swing.

We went to Lowe's the other weekend. Sam surprised me.

Sam: Design a swing set. I'll build it for you.

He knows how much it means to me. He promised me a swing set so very long ago. Worrying over whether or not we could keep the house prevented any building from taking place. Worrying if we were going to make it prevented any building from taking place. Lack of money... Well, you get the idea.

Only things are different now. We are building my swingset. He says he'll even swing with me. I can't wait.

And there's more. With me, there always is. It will have to wait for another day...another post. For now...just dream.

What's your biggest dream? Share it with me. You should never dream alone.

Personal goals

There have been signs lately that I am on the right path, but I still have so far to go. When I first started writing Suddenly Single Journey, I did it with one goal in mind: getting published. I was told by my literary agent that I needed to build a readership so that they could get me published.

Right.

So I built my readership. It's easily 10 times more than I was told I'd have to have in order to get published. Only...I'm still not published. And then last year, I wrote my first e-book and went the self-publish route. It didn't sell well. And I have to admit that I attribute much of that to the lack of marketing. I didn't do much with it.

Only now, a big part of what I do is marketing and promotion. I like that. I think about how the possibilities are endless. I think that now may be just the right time for me to pursue self-publishing once more. With the time I've wasted trying to get published, I could be done already and simply promoting my work.

There are so many more mainstreamed options than there were in the past. Self-publishers are even getting the attention of publishing houses now. It's possible to be a millionaire from self-publishing. I just have to get the backbone to put it out there. And I have to find the time to make it happen.

About that time thing...I've been looking for other jobs. I need a job that will allow me more time to pursue my true passions. I need a job that will further my passions. And I have a job interview...today...after work.

If I get this position, it is a step in the right direction to making the money I need and chasing my dreams. If I get this job, it should lead to me having the time to self-publish. If I get to go this route, this dreamers dreams can start coming true.

Wish me luck!

There's something about having a passport

It makes me long to travel.

I have signed up through the years for various offers. And it seems as though my inbox is constantly inundated with opportunities for vacations at deeply discounted prices. And some of these prices include airfare. And I love to fly.

See, it didn't bother me so much in the past. Before this, I knew I couldn't get too worked up over any of those glorious Caribbean locales. I couldn't then...because I didn't have a passport. Oh, but now...it's different.

Have passport. Dying to travel.

Of course, I have no money to do this. I'm still waiting on a check that may not come for weeks from the IRS. And I have so many other places that my money needs to go. That doesn't make it any less appealing.

After all, I'm a dreamer. And if there's anything dreamers do well...it's dream about all the places they'd like to go and all the things they'd like to do.

So lately, I've been thinking about...

• The Dominican Republic


• plotting trips to every place with a Margaritaville


• hopping on a cruise ship


• trying out the all-inclusive resorts


• writing the coolest travel blog eva!


• visiting Greece and Italy


• warm chocolate crepes in Paris (they have crepe vendors like we have hot dog vendors!)


• gelatto. lots and lots of gelatto.


• swimming with dolphins


• watching the baby turtles hatch


• sailing to Isla Margarita...because it has to be named after my favorite drink

I want a passport loaded with stamps. I want a mind filled with happy memories of all the places I've been, all the marvelous things I've done, and all the wonderful people I've met along the way. In time. With some patience and careful planning. I can do this. I feel it.

For now, nourishing the dream.

Help a dreamer out...

Where's one place you wouldn't want me to miss in my travels?

I'll tell you what dreamers don't do

Sleep.

In a word...sleep!

Just once, I want some serious sleep. I have a bed. It's really comfy. I have a special pillow. (Thanks Virgin Mattress!) I have a great blanket. All the components are there. It's not that.

Some nights I am so busy that I keep working late into the night. Some nights I am exhausted but I lay in bed and wonder how I can ever shut off my mind so that I can get the rest I need. Some nights I stay up too late. I simply lose track of time. And the next thing you know, I only have hours to get some sleep.

I thought I was going to get a good night's sleep last night. We went to bed about 9:30pm. That was promising. Only, I knew within minutes, I wasn't going to be able to sleep. So, I went back out to the living room and worked on the computer. Dreamers know that in order to achieve their dreams, there's going to be some work involved.

Finally, about an hour later, I was ready for bed. Still plenty of time to get a good night's sleep since my alarm wasn't supposed to go off until 5:30am. Plenty of time!

Oh, but about 3:30am, Sam woke up. That wouldn't normally bother me. Only, this morning, getting up meant that he was taking his vitamins. And then there was the morning noises. And then there was the toothbrushing.

Needless to say...I was up. Yes, my day started at o'dark thirty. I have officially done more now before 7am than some people do ALL DAY. I have showered and dressed and completed just about all of my computer work. I have done laundry and the dishwasher. We had the kind of breakfast that I normally only make on a weekend.

And I know that tonight is going to hurt. I am going to be nodding off minutes after dinner. That's unfortunate because we are going to be meeting Lonnie and Lindsay at Monterey's to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I'm going to be a piece on weird news. I predict drowning in queso. My only hope is a caffeine IV drip to get me through the day.

Think of me.

Learning experiences

It's been two weeks. Two weeks have passed since he messed up. It has been a learning experience for both of us.

During that time I have discovered that I still don't understand men, and clearly men don't understand women. Or it could be that they are so deep in the denial that they actually believe what they say. Regardless, there have been good moments and bad. There are still details to iron out.

I think that's a big part of life. We live. We learn. We negotiate. We compromise. We decide what we can live with, how we want to live. And then we step back and wait.

Will what we planned and discussed happen? Will the promises be kept? Will life unfold as it should?

I think in relationships, real relationships, these discussions are ongoing. I don't think they ever end unless you allow yourselves to slip into apathy. Life is all about growth and change.

Some changes are good. Some changes aren't.

Then there's honesty.

Honesty can be good and bad. It can mean that you find out what someone really thinks, how someone really feels. It can mean that you find out things that you want to know, but it hurts anyway.

And just because someone is being honest doesn't mean that everything is going to be okay. Maybe that honesty in fact ends the relationship. It isn't because of the honesty. The relationship could have ended just as easily over the dishonesty. The problem is the choice being made, what is being done...not whether it is in the open or hidden.

So, we talk. We decide. We trust. We hope for the best.

Still hoping. Still deciding. Not ready to throw in the towel yet.

Sunday snuggle talks

We had to lay low Sunday evening. The sun wasn't even down when we were in for the night. We had to. It was the gash in Sam's leg that kept us from having the bonfire we had intended. It was the gash that kept us from standing around over at Ed's and visiting with the neighbors. It was the gash that meant I was cooking. Stupid gash.

At the same time...it was the gash that had us lounging around on the couch having some truly lovely talks. Who doesn't need lovely talks?

So, we discussed our future. I wanted to know if our visions were similar. I wanted to know if we still meshed, still wanted the same things. We do.

As much as our views of where our lives were going to go has changed over the last few months, there are still some aspects of the dream that have remained the same. We want to share this life together. We want to sail as much as possible. We want to remodel the house.

It used to be that everything was his idea for his house. Only over the past year, it has become our house. Everything from his mouth is 'our' and 'we.' I need that. I need to know that we are in this together. I need to know that my opinion matters.

He assured me that it does. I get to make the new kitchen design. It's going to be a major overhaul once the money is good. The bathroom comes first. Soon after, the kitchen. Normally, I would express how much I just can't wait...oh, but I can.

Finally, it seems, I am learning patience. I am learning that good things come to those who wait...things like swings. And there's so much more. Oh, but you know how I love surprises. There are tons in store for you. Just wait...

I'm listening

I'm listening to his actions, which speak louder than his words. I'm listening to my heart, that has never steered me wrong. I'm listening to you, who look out for me even from afar.

I hear...the fear. You worry that I forgive too much. You worry that I sell myself short. You worry that he'll never change. You worry that he can't maintain. You worry that he'll simply hurt me again.

All those worries...valid. All of them. All worries I've had myself.

I hear...the hope. Maybe this time he'll figure it out. Maybe this time he'll follow through. Maybe this time he'll realize that it's safe with me...to love, to be loved, to stop holding back. Maybe we really can have everything we want. Maybe.

All those maybes...pieces of hope. I'm feasting on hope.

Most of all...I hear what he's saying with his words and actions. These days, he's talking. He tells me things I already know. He tells me he can't imagine his life with anyone else. He tells me that I'm the only one he lets in, the only one he gives everything to. He tells me that my happiness is the most important thing to him. That's all well and good.

I've heard these things before.

Ah, but then there's his actions. He promised me a swing set so very long ago. I think it was soon after I moved in. In moments of extreme stress, I tend to run to the nearest playground. It is only there that I am able to relax and release. I swing and all is well once more. I am able to function, to think, to move forward, to press on. It's a silly thing, me and swings.

And so he offered to build me a swing set. I didn't ever really expect him to follow through. It's the life of a contractor. They either have time and no money, or money and no time. So time went on and there was no swing. And I never pushed. I had bigger things to worry about than a silly swing.

Then it was Friday. We had just found out the house was saved. He looked at me as we sat on the couch.

Sam: Let's build you that swing set.

me: Okay.

But okay was more like...really?

He told me to design my swing set and decide where to put it. I did. So we went and picked up the lumber. And we picked out the swings. We bought the hardware. We brought it home.

Then Sam and Ed tore down the basketball hoop that was centered right about where the swing set is supposed to go. So far, blood, sweat, and tears. That's right. Sam tore open his calf. Blood was dripping down his leg. It was about 85 degrees and he was covered in sweat. As for the tears...joy. Pure unadulterated joy. He's following through.

Baby steps. One day at a time. Savoring each moment in time. That's what life is all about...relishing the moments.