Dreamers made a daughter

It's official.  It's a girl.

She has labia and everything.  That's what the doctor said.

Doctor:  100% girl.  See those dashes?

me and Sam: Uh huh.

Doctor: Those are labia.

I didn't really need the anatomy lesson.  I am familiar with labia.  But he was nice.  And he answered all of our questions.

And we had a lot of them.  Sam was quick to point out...

Sam: I'm new at this.  I'm her second husband.  This is my first child.

Doctor: Ah, so you're unproven.

And I had to giggle because that's how we describe Bishop.  He's an unproven stud, too.

The doctor talked to us about the plan for the pregnancy, since he's the high risk doctor who has taken on a support role for the entire pregnancy.  I like him a lot.  He's not the one that did the CVS last year when we lost our son.

And while there were some uncomfortable moments, like when I realized that Sam was going to have to cope with another man literally in my business, I also had some really great moments, too.  He was really helpful when it came to me having to undress from the waist down.  He covered me with a sheet and folded my clothes.  He helped me get cleaned up after.  Yeah, I let him pass me stuff.  I can still clean all of that off by myself.

We've had some great talks the last few days.  We talked about Thanksgiving and how challenging that was.  We remembered losing our son last year.  And I realized something I've always known.  He takes really good care of me.  He isn't pushy, he's simply there, right where he needs to be, right when I need him to be there.  That is love.

Sam is about to be the father of a daughter.  With this new role comes great responsibility.  Eventually, every boy will be his mortal enemy.  Eventually, he will be the wardrobe police.  And I'm not worried.  He has mastered much of the art of being a husband already.  He will take on this role just fine.  After all, he has me to help coach him through it.

When we returned home and it was all sinking in, I looked at him.

me: Thank you.

Sam: For what?

me: Unproven or not, this is the best girl pregnancy I've ever had.

It's true.  Normally, I'm puking, bedridden, and miserably sick with girls.  This time, nothing.  No wonder I thought I was having a boy.  Ah, but it's a girl.  And I'm not seeing pink, I'm seeing purple.  Lots and lots of purple.

Dreamers dry those tears...

I have been a weeping mess for days.  Sam can set me off with a look.  The television can set me off with a commercial.  The dog can set me off by standing in my way.

Holy hormones, Batman.

Yeah.  I'm a mess.  And I hate it.  It's not me.

Sam left to go pick up a window and some job applications and I gave him a hug and burst into tears.

What am I crying about?

I swear I don't know.  I'm not afraid of being left alone for extended periods of time.  Shoot, I barely saw my ex-husband.  And I'm not afraid of Sam repeating mistakes of husbands past.

So what's up with all those tears?

The best I can come up with is that I'm uber emotional.  My hormones are completely out of whack.  And the end result is that I am a blubbering mess.

Poor, Sam.  He looked at me all helpless.

Sam: Babe, why are you crying now?

Note how he had to include the word 'now' to point out that this is not the first time this has happened this week, in the last few days, or...sadly enough...even in the last few hours.  And I couldn't come up with much of an explanation.  I think I muttered something about how I was worried about the potential amnio.

He hugged me extra long and hard.  He asked me to wish him luck.  And I know we need this.  We have big plans that simply aren't going to come to fruition without this second job.

Still...I don't think I can be faulted completely for the occasional cry.  (As long as I drop it down to occasional and not the hourly cry that it's threatening to become.)

So, I'll use my time wisely.  And I'll stock up on Kleenex.  And I'll do my best to plug along and make all of our dreams come true.

Dreamers thrive on discomfort

There are times that we are going through growth spurts.  And by we, I mean me and the baby.

I can tell.  Every few weeks, I'll just get really uncomfortable.  And Friday morning was no different.

Sometimes, I can't put my finger on it.  I can't figure out what's wrong, what needs to change, what I can do to fix it.  I mostly suffer in silence, but Sam always reaches out when I get too restless.

Friday morning, he started rubbing my knee and my thigh.  He looked at me expectantly, wondering what he could do to ease my discomfort.  And even though it didn't change anything for me physically, it did wonders for me mentally.

Sam pays attention.  That's one of the things I love most about him.  He really pays attention.  I've told him that I'm supposed to sleep on my left side, so he's altered his sleeping patterns.  He gives me space to lay as I need to, then relaxes into me.

I don't have the easiest of pregnancies.  They are filled with fear and concern.  We have to be super careful with my diet and my actions.  All I know is that I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else.

There are so many reasons that we are together...so very many.  And I'm so looking forward to raising this baby with him, so looking forward to seeing him with our child.  I was upset the other day when I saw him staring at the belly.  I wasn't sure what he was thinking, but since my body has changed so much in the past few months, I imagined he was disturbed.

Sam: What are you getting upset about?  I look at your belly and I imagine our baby in there.  I wonder what he or she will look like.  I imagine our life, raising this baby together.  It's all good thoughts.

I love this man.  I love this baby.  I even love the discomfort.  Every day brings me closer to a healthy baby.  Every bit of the experience brings me closer to Sam.

Dreamers revel in their blessings: a post in pictures

Moments where we simply relax and enjoy...

Celebrating our love

Having a life surrounded by friends....

family...

In good times...

and bad.

A long summer of weekends in Charleston on our sailboat.

Making progress around the house with a beautiful new bathroom...

new paint and trim in the great room.

Our big baby.

And our new baby on the way...  (PS. I'm super thankful that black is so slimming...)

We have a good month left in the new year.  And I can't wait to see how it all turns out.  Tell me about your blessings...

Dreamers give thanks...low key

We're having a quiet dinner...just the two of us.

How special I decide to make it will depend upon whether or not Sam works.  If he works, I'll make sure when he comes home we dine by candlelight.  And if he doesn't, I'll play it by ear.

He's not known for being traditionally romantic.  And I'm okay with that.  What he is...is genuine.  He's real.  And whenever he tells me something, I know he means it.

The other night, he said the prettiest things.  I was upset because even though we spend a lot of time together when it comes to physical presence, I don't always feel like I get the most quality time.  I don't always feel like we connect.  He had gone across the road and told me he'd be back in twenty minutes at the most.  I decided to use his absence to get some work done.

So, I completed two blog posts, caught up on my Facebook, checked in on Twitter, took a tinkle, and then slipped on some shoes to drag him home...possibly kicking and screaming.  It had been an hour.  It was nearly 9:30pm.  And I wanted to spend time together.  I needed snuggles.

He came quietly.  No complaining at least.  And I was in a pout.  Stupid pregnancy hormones.

Sam did what he does.  He tried to explain.  He tried to apologize.  He tried to offer comfort.  He finally did what I love.  He used such pretty words.

Sam: Baby, I don't understand. You have my whole heart.  You have all my love.  You have all my attention.  And when we're apart, I spend all my time trying to think of ways to keep you happy.

I know it's true...the keeping me happy part.  And being reminded that he loves me so very much...that was what I needed.

I turned to him, ready to speak, but instead, he kissed me.  He really kissed me.  Repeatedly.  And I was rendered speechless.

He's one of the many things I'm thankful for.  These moments are treasured.  And I have so many more to look forward to.

Our Thanksgiving may be small and intimate, but it is no less special than the ones where we are surrounded by all those we love.  Take time to appreciate all the little moments in your life.

Dreamers have a lazy backward day

Tuesday just started strange.

Let me explain...

To begin with, I slept on the couch.  Intrigued?  Well, not a very exciting story there, I'm afraid.  Here's how that all began.  I was having trouble sleeping.  Sam was snuggling me, but I was hot and then I was kicked just right from the inside and knew I had to pee.

So, I got up to pee.  And I heard the blanket rustling around.  And then when I went to return to the bed, he was in my spot and his spot and pretty much all the spots.  Yeah.  There was no room for me and my expanding middle. 

That's how I ended up on the couch around midnight. 

Oh, and I tossed and turned and couldn't get comfortable, even though I comfortably fall asleep there every night before I actually go to bed to sleep every night.  Finally, sleep found me.  It was probably looking in the wrong room.  And with the lights out, you can see how I could go unnoticed...

Well, at 4am, Sam bounded out into the living room.  He had noticed I wasn't in the bed and went looking for me.  And we were up.  He started making his phone calls.  Yes, there are people up at that time that he needed to speak to about work related issues.  And I laid in his lap while he talked.  Just when I thought we were going back to bed...because we went back to bed and he held me...he decided he couldn't go back to sleep.

I planned on staying in bed, but something in me wouldn't allow it.  And I don't mean the baby.  I got up and brushed my teeth.  I put on some comfy clothes.  And then, I made breakfast.  It was cinnamon toast and cooked Canadian bacon.  There was also a hot chocolate for me.  We sat on the couch after that...and fell asleep...

...until Keenan woke up.

 Then I was back to the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, making eggs for all of us.  We ate and shared with Bishop.  Then Keenan was off to school.  And after a few hours, Sam fell back to sleep.  I had work to do.

I'm not sure how the rest of the week is going to play out.  I'm looking forward to it.  Mostly, I'm looking forward to surviving today...the day before Thanksgiving...without thinking too much about what we lost last year.

Dreamers know this, too, shall pass

So the stress reached a breaking point yesterday.  It wasn't pretty.  It is, however, better.

Already.

Mostly because this dreamer found a solution.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't easy.  Ah, but it did solve a lot of issues.

Pawn shop.

I've never been to one before.  It was like a field trip, which is not to say an actual field trip.  Those are more fun.  And they involve cool food and sight seeing.  All I saw was a crazy man behind a row of glass cabinets and a store I had to be buzzed into that smelled funny.  When it's a high end store, I like being buzzed in.  It leaves me feeling superior and special.  When it's a pawn shop, I begin to question the sanity of my decisions and maybe even my safety a little.  Those bars around the glass didn't help.

So, I did my negotiating.  And I was very astute.  I called him out on things he had said.  I reminded him of prices he quoted.  In the end, I didn't even feel like I had been ripped off too much.  It was...almost nice...and the pressure it relived was immense.

It was only a Bandaid.  There will be more stress, I'm sure.  I just have to believe that this, too, shall pass.  I have to believe that the steps I've taken in the last 24 hours will result in a huge change.  I have to.  That's what dreamers do.

My hope springs eternal.  My mind is on overdrive with the next Bandaid.  We have some agreements in place to prevent future meltdowns.

And...the website should be up and running within a week.  Fingers crossed.  In the meantime, I'm still working with Fiverr, despite my better judgement.  And when I run out of items to pawn, I still have a kidney to sell on the black market, some perfectly good liver lobes, and there's always some blood and plasma.  See.  It's good to think ahead.  It's even better to not need that plan.

Fingers crossed.

Dreamers believe in happily ever after

We sure do.  Even when it seems like happily ever after is so very far away, we cling to that.

We're struggling right now financially.

There aren't any big jobs, or big jobs on the horizon and Sam is stressing big time.  He is doing the quiet introspective stress.  He is thinking constantly about what to do to get an influx of cash.  And I understand.  It's easy to get so bogged down in that, so easy to not be able to function or focus on anything else.

Ah, but I can't.

I was writing like a fiend for Yahoo!  and they caught on to me.  So, I'm on lock down and can't publish anything for a few days.  And even then, I'll be behind my anticipated schedule.  It's okay.  I believe everything will work out.

Sam has been watching me.  I think he marvels at my ability to stay happy despite our struggles.  It's what I do.  I look for the happy and find the bright spot.  One of us has to.

So, I cook and clean...some.  And I write lots.  And I just think about what I can do to help out without making myself crazy because two crazies in the house is never going to solve anything.  I offer up options that he's quick to turn down.  I offer up solutions that aren't going to result in the quick influx of cash we need anyway.

At least I try.

We laid there on the couch last night.  And he was commenting on our struggles.

me: We have to struggle like this so that one day we can look back and see how far we've come.

Sam: It just seems like we've been struggling for so long.

me: We have.

It's not a constant struggle though.  We have good times.  We have bad times.  And so we looked at the positive.

Sam: Well, at least we have a nice new bathroom.  And we managed to finish the living room.

me: See.  That's something.

I'd like to think I'm rubbing off on him.  I'd like to think that he's coming around to the ways of the Nicki.  I wish he didn't have to face so many disappointments.  We've had so many people and companies let us down lately.  And it's time for our luck to change.

We're due for our happily ever after.

Dreamers find a solution

I watch us as we struggle and scrape by right now.  And I do it in the hope that next year will be better, that these trials and tribulations will one day be a distant memory, and that we will live the life of our dreams.

Don't get me wrong.  I think  we all know that as far as accomplishing dreams go, we live pretty large.  Most of the people I know have never left the country, and traveled on a cruise ship.  Most people I know have never owned a sailboat or taken sailing lessons or spent glorious weekends living on that boat in Charleston.  Shoot, most people I know don't even have dreams.

So, tight as the finances are, we're doing just fine.

As for my computer project.  I have found a solution.  I usually do.  So far, my plan is this...write a bunch of articles for Yahoo!.  Sounds simple, right?  Only when I write for Yahoo!, I have to come up with all my own topics.  That's why they pay me more...which is still not a lot, but I'll take it.

Guess I'll be taking up residence on the couch with a purpose today...and tomorrow.  I have to write roughly ten or more articles to ensure I get the cash I need to make the changes to the site.  Templates and modules aren't cheap.

Sam was concerned when I told him all I was waiting on was more money.  He knows how much we've spent on the site already.  He wants to see a payoff.  (Don't we all?)  And I'm thisclose to making it happen.

Hence the frantic writing.  Hence the brainstorming.  Hence the incredible output.

Wish me well.  I have to make this goal.  I really do.  And when I do, I'm going to be so proud. 

And I'll start sharing links to all those articles as soon as they are published.  You can tell me if I've done well.   Oh, and if you have relationship or dating topic you would like to see me cover, do share an idea.  I reached out on Facebook yesterday, and the topic ideas were great.

Dreamers have a breakthrough!

So, I met with my computer guru yesterday.

We have been struggling to find a workable template for the rebuild on the website.  We had a long list of the options we needed to integrate.  It was frustrating.  I didn't want to have to spend a lot of money, since I don't have any to waste.  I didn't want to waste a lot of time, since I can't afford to waste a minute.

I want something up and running before the baby arrives.  I need it to be on auto pilot so that I can earn some money while being able to focus on more important things.  See, I don't have the luxury of disability payments for six weeks after this little one makes an appearance.

Well, it was a great meeting.  Really.

We found precisely what I need.  We found precisely what I was looking for.  It was perfect.  And with the template we found, I could be up and running in absolutely no time.

Guess this means that I have to get serious about earning some money immediately.  I have only months.  Time is flying.

And I'm really lucky because I have all the love and support I need to back this project.  I'll make the money happen somehow.  I'm pretty inventive when I need to be.

For the first time in a while, I feel the hope that I have been looking for.  Not the temporary fleeting kind, either.  This is the real thing.  This is the lasting hope. 

A month and a half until we start 2012.  I'm ending one year with a bang and starting the next running.  Care to join me?

Dreamers exhale

I'm learning to exhale.  I'm learning to unwind.  And I say this as I'm pushing myself to complete a book this month.  And I say this as I'm pushing my computer guru to help me get my website revamped.  And I say this as I have so many other demands on my time.

Oh, but learning to release and unwind is critical at this point.  I can't afford to get upset and be uptight.  I'm baking a baby.  And this child does not need to be developing in some hostile stressful environment.  No, my womb needs to be all sunshine, roses, and rainbows.

So, I'm having some girl time with Lindsay on Saturday.  We're getting massages.  They have a pregnancy massage table, which I'm guessing means a big gaping hole in a massage table.  I can work with that.  And the guys will get some guy time.  I'm sure they need it. 

The best part is that Lindsay and I are really friends now on our own merit.  At one time, it was one of those friendships based on the fact that they were Sam's friends, but now we talk and interact and try to hang out all on our own. 

Life evolves.  And I have more room to embrace the changes when I exhale, release the negative, and soak in the positive. 

Get ready.  Big project in 2012.

Dreamers embrace the possibilities

That's what life is right now.  A time of transition.  A time of change.  A plethora of possibilities.

We're not sure what is going to happen next and I'm not overly concerned about it.

Of course, that's me.  Sam is out of his mind with worry.  He worries about winter and being able to support his family.  He worries over me and the pregnancy.  He paces and grumps and can barely stand himself or the rest of us...sometimes.

And that's okay.

I knew what to expect.  After all this time together...I know how he is.  And I'm good with that.  I know that it won't take much to turn things around.  He just needs a little security, a bit of hope.  And then he'll be right once more.

Me, I see possibility.

We have all these possibilities for his company out there.  There's a great deal of potential for more work.  There's a great deal of potential for us to be just fine.  I cling to hope.  I see it everywhere.  I'm more positive.  He's more realistic.  He's faced more disappointment in his life.  He doesn't thrive on trials and tribulations like I do.

I have faith.  I believe in him.  And I believe in me.  Most of all, I believe in us, our ability to make things happen.  Our way of finding a way to survive and thrive and make things work.  We've got this.

And I'm going to help.  By the beginning of next month, I'll have a big challenge for all of you.  I want you to take it seriously.  I want you to be ready to transform your life.  Make 2012 the best year yet.  Make every year after that better, too.  Change your way of thinking.  Change the way you look at life.  And watch how amazing the changes are that take place in your life.

Embrace the possibilities.

Dreamers live for quality time

We have been so busy lately.  It seems like we are constantly heading different directions.

Every once in a while it is nice to just slow down for a minute.

That's what we did as a family on Saturday night.  We slowed down.  We spent time together. We enjoyed just being together.

We went and ate dinner at Chick-fil-A.  Now, normally this would have been great.  And I tried to make it as great as possible, but mostly...I was dreaming of Taco Bell.  Shouldn't I be able to claim cravings yet and play up the belly to get my mealtime ways?  Ah, but I was just happy to be with Sam and Keenan.  And if they wanted chicken, I was happy to get the protein.

So that's where we ate.  And I avoided the fries and ate dessert instead.  I love love love their lemon pie.  I swear I had to stop myself from ordering a whole pie.  It's on the menu.  Seriously.

Then we drove to Lonnie and Lindsay's.  We were all going to watch the UFC fight together, enjoy a bonfire, just hang out and relax.  It was mostly like that.

They invited some neighbors over.  They have...interesting neighbors.  That's a polite way of saying that these are not people we would normally hang out with.  Yet, I support their desire to be good neighbors.

In fact, I'm so supportive that I didn't do anything when the crazy lady rubbed my belly...although Sam braced for my reaction.  And I didn't do anything when she slithered over and brushed the ash from his hair and then tried to use him as a leaning post.  All the while he looked at me and waited for me to blow.  I could have blamed it on pregnancy hormones, but yelling at a drunk chick is like shooting fish in a barrel.  There's really no sport in it.  And I don't enjoy it nearly as much when they can't feel my wrath and smart from my sting.  Trust me, she was feeling nothing.

Sam watched everything.  He was on guard.

Sam: Do not let that guy touch you.  And definitely do not let him rub your belly.  I'm looking out for Keenan.

Yes, there was play fighting going on.  That always seems to happen with UFC fights and alcohol.  And his concern is always that someone will inadvertently get hurt.  And when someone was too close to Keenan, they had words.  Sam is super protective of his family.  He watches out for me, but also trusts me to take care of myself.  I like it.  It makes me feel strong and powerful.  I never have to worry because he always has my back.  It's a great feeling...all that love and support.

We left soon after the fight.  The fight was over in minutes.  Actually, the fight was over in less than a minute.  And we were tiring out.  I was tiring out.  Potato...po-tah-toe.

Then at home, we watched a bunch of our DVRed shows together.  It was so nice.  It was so relaxing.  It was no wonder I fell asleep.  I woke up to Sam snuggling me on the couch and Keenan kissing me goodnight.  And that's not such a bad way to wake up before heading off to bed.

Quality time at its finest.

Dreamers love a new routine

Life is full of change.  And of all the changes that we have endured lately, I love the ones with Keenan.

We have been having pancakes together at least once a week.  I would consider that a routine.  And the fact that I am able to function well enough that early to make them and not burn them...huge!

And while we eat our pancakes, we watch a DVRed show together.  We like to pick ones that Sam doesn't watch.  So Thursday morning it was Once Upon a Time.  We're loving this new show.  Come on.  You know it appeals to me, all fairy tales and hope.  Not everyone sees it that way.  I see the hope.

Then I send Keenan off to school, while urging him to wear a sweatshirt and reminding him that I'm not going to visit him in the hospital when he ends up with pneumonia.  He knows I'm kidding.  Any time he's been in the hospital, I have camped out there. 

Then I write.  And I write and I write and I write. 

This is the life I chose.  I like it.  Of course, at times my brain hurts.  Seriously.  My brain just hurts.

So, I get up.  I stretch.  And I don't mean like..yoga.  No, I simply move around.  That has to be good enough.  I get winded easily.  Like just cleaning around the house leave me breathless in a not so good way.  And after my walk the other day, Sam thought I was going to pass out or something, I was breathing so hard.  He's cute when he worries over me.

Then evening comes.  I've made dinner, or Sam's picked up dinner.  And I've cleaned up.  That's my almost favorite time of day.  And this is why...

We have our snuggle time on the couch.  Sam loves on the belly.  He's still struggling to feel the baby move, but I'm starting to feel her more and more.  I forgot what it was like.  I like it.  I like how he lets me get comfortable.  I like how he knows when I'm uncomfortable.  I like how he reaches out to me, rubbing my back or my thighs or whatever he imagines is currently upsetting me.

Last night, no amount of rubbing could make it better.  I was having hip joint pain.  My...everything is loosening up.  I'm already snapping, crackling, and popping all the time.  It freaks me out because I expect pain to be associated with it.  And there isn't, but there are other growing pains instead.  And some of them just can't be remedied.

With enough love, some can.

And soon enough, my favorite time of night...bedtime.  After I get comfortable, Sam wraps himself around me, settles his hand on my belly, and then sleep.  He's home to me.  Always has been.  And when we're snuggled together, the comfort translates to rest.  Best routine ever.

Dreamers attract inspirational people

There's something I've noticed.  Dreamers attract dreamers.

Why would we settle for anything less?

There are dreamers in this world and there are dream killers.  I'd rather dream.  And I think that's why I am so happy that I seem to be on the right path and keep finding myself surrounded by other dreamers.

I was invited to an amazing luncheon yesterday.  I wasn't in the mood by the time the even rolled around, but I have to admit I was so glad I went.  It was networking at its finest.

And one of the women looked at me and said: We're going to be besties.  I can feel it.

I'm always looking for new friends.  I may not have a lot of time, but I make up for it with enthusiasm and interest.  Usually.

So, I'm eager to see where these new dreamers take me.  They are inspiring new dreams.  I like that.

Dreams are like fuel.  And once that fire starts burning, it just keeps burning until something expires it.  I try to protect my fires as much as possible.  I try to feed them.  I work hard to ensure that they thrive and grow.

So I surround myself with positive people and big dreamers and I soak up all the knowledge I can get.  I have so many places to go.  I have so much to learn.  Ah, but knowing I'm headed in the right direction helps.

Dreamers let it all hang out

Sure, we may strive to be perfect for our friends and family and all those who rely on us, but deep down...we are real, we reveal our true selves.  And we are happiest when we embrace it, when we show it.

That is the best way to receive real love.

How can anyone love you who doesn't know you?  Oh, they can't.  They can love an idea of you, the very image of you that you put out there, but to truly love you...they would have to know the real you.

Being real is scary.  It feels like nekkid...to lay yourself bare before another human being.  It's a risk.  What if they turn their back on the you that is revealed?  What if they decide that you aren't who they want in their life?

See, I think that anyone who can't love you and accept you for the person you are, doesn't deserve to be a part of your life.  Perfection is too much to ask.  Living up to someone else's lofty expectations is a challenge that can put undue strain on a relationship.

Instead, be real.  Be yourself.  Be the best you that you can be.

I work on that.  A lot.

In my first marriage, I was wound tighter than a drum.  I had to be.  I had to be perfect.  I had to do everything and handle everything and be everything because I had no help.  I had no one to share the burdens with.  I was alone and lonely.  It was a horrible way to live.  I hated that my kids saw that.

At the same time, I was afraid to leave the marriage.  I knew my ex would never pay child support.  He hasn't disappointed me there.  I knew that he would be no more supportive in the divorce than he was in the marriage.  That has contributed to many of the challenges I've been facing lately.  And I was afraid of all that and more.  I could make anything work.  I could fix anything.  Only...I couldn't fix the marriage...no matter what I tried.

Then Sam came along.  He's complex.  As private as he is, he shares everything with me.  He works along side me when I need him.  He shares in my life.  He lets me share in his.  He's what I need and what I want.  And I give him the same.

Blessed.  That's what I am.  But I would have none of this if I hadn't taken a huge risk.  Huge risks come with their own rewards.  I was real.  I still am.  And he is, too.

Dreamers get it together eventually

Or at least I seem to.

I spent Sunday, before helping Priscilla, working on researching a project that I'm toying with.  I finally figured out how I want to revamp Rentable Me and I've hit nothing but walls since.  And I hate hitting walls.  I always believe that there is a way over them or around them or through them.  I'm hard headed like that.

And so, it has been a bit frustrating.

Then Sam and I had a big talk last night, while I was sitting in his lap.  Yes, we do that once in a while.  Apparently my seat across the screen porch was simply too far away, so he turned me around and hauled me into his lap.

It was a revealing conversation.  He is more comfortable talking when we're close and he can't see my face.  So he told me things he's never told me before and things he's never told anyone...and things I'm not going to tell you.  Sorry.  Spousal privilege.

One thing that he did tell me rather surprised me.

While he expects great things from the business, expects to fully be able to support the family, he feels that if there is going to be a big bread winner, it's going to be me and my writing, me and my ventures.

No pressure.

Only, I don't feel pressured.  It was strange.  Instead, I felt determined.  I had to make this happen.  I had to make this work.  And in some ways, I just knew how to.  I instinctively knew what to do to complete some of the tasks I have at hand.  I'm going to have to beg Meredith for a Skype talk.  I like running things by her.  She gives great advice.  And I'm going to do what I said I was going to do.

November is National Novel Writing Month: NaNoWriMo.  And I have been off to a horrible start.  Except that after last night's discussion, this morning, it was easy.  I have been writing away.  I have been alive and alert and well.

I feel strong and confident and in control.  I've got this.  November is my big kick off month.  2012 is promising to be my biggest year yet.  I can do it.  I must.

So, tell me what you are going to do to prepare for the coming year.  Tell me what amazing plans you have for your future.  And I'll be sure to share mine as soon as humanly possible.

Dreamers share each other's joy and pain

My neighbor, Priscilla, and I have been getting closer.  We have more and more in common.  Like babies.  She is having her third.  Any minute.

In fact, by the time you read this, she may have given birth.

I knew she was overdue.  Two weeks now.  And I can imagine how hard it is being pregnant and uncomfortable forever.  That's what it must feel like.  I wouldn't know.  I always go early.

So, I went to visit her one day last week.  We hung out for an hour or so.  More...so.  And we both enjoyed having an adult to talk to.  It was lovely.

And I've been wondering if she was having the baby or had the baby given certain signs.  There have been many family members around.  I knew they would arrive to stay with the girls while she was having the newest girl.

I sent her the standard "I'm thinking of you" text today and she explained that she was having a stalled labor and was outside walking around, so I joined her.  I timed her contractions without even being asked.  She can't go to the hospital until they are five minutes apart.  And I was really optimistic when they started at six minutes, but then they were sporadic...nine, twelve, and finally back to eleven.

It was interesting being on that side of things.  I was so glad I was able to distract her some, be there for her, and support her in little ways.  She's a really good person.  She's a really good mom.  And she's been a fantastic neighbor.

Sam and I were talking just the other day.  He and her husband tend to be...alpha males.  They get along and they butt heads here and there.  So be it.  It doesn't impede my relationship with Priscilla.

Sam: I kind of see us getting closer to them.  Who knew they'd be the ones we had the most in common with?

Oh, but I did.  With the dates of the kid's births, they will be going to school together.  They will be growing up together.  And we're bound to be spending more time together.

It's nice to have things to look forward to and nice people to share them with.

Dreamers struggle with family relations

And I don't think this makes us unique.  From what I hear, everyone has challenges in that department.  I think it's all a matter of how we respond and react to those situations.

All I know is that the other night, I had a mini-meltdown.

It was Wednesday, the night before Keenan's birthday.  I had become some kind of cooking fool.  The night before I had made a bunch of Parmesan crusted chicken tenders and Sam's favorite mac and cheese.  Then Wednesday I made beef stew in a crock pot and bread in a bread machine and a spice cake with cream cheese frosting.  I was quite the Suzy homemaker.

Keenan had asked if we could all have a family night, watch a movie together.  And since it is so rare that he ever asks for anything, I really wanted to oblige.

Sam had to go leave to run an errand, stop by the gas station, return a trim gun he borrowed, and I had asked that he stop by his friend's house and borrow a few movies.  I imagined it would take maybe forty minutes.  Oh, but I forgot to factor in Sam time.  As quiet and reserved as he can be, the man can talk.  And he had plenty going on to talk about.  So, as it pushed into an hour and twenty minutes, I decided to take Keenan to Target to look at video games.  He had pretty much headed back to his room thinking that the movie wasn't going to happen.

We passed Sam as we were heading down the road.  He didn't notice, focused instead on getting home.  And within minutes my phone rang.  He hates hearing me upset.  He worries that it will hurt the baby.  Oh, but I can never hide anything from him.  So, I tried to explain the situation and that we'd be home soon.

Keenan looked at me and I know he wanted an explanantion.

me: I can't lose you, too.  I don't know what happened with Rachel.

And I burst into tears.  Stupid hormones.

Keenan: Mom, you won't.  Rachel just wanted to grow up too fast.

He hugged me and we went home.

Sam was in the bedroom when I returned.  He closed the door and looked at me.

Sam: Babe?  You losing it?

And I wanted to explain, but I didn't have to.  He already knew.

Sam: You're afraid of losing Keenan, too.  You won't.  He's nothing like Rachel.

He wrapped me in one of his magical hugs and we went to spend the rest of the night with the boy.  We watched Scream 4.  Funny, he wasn't worried about that hurting the baby.

Everything was healed.  Communication.  Love.  Understanding.  Listening.  These are the keys to family relationships.  And maybe throw in more than a smattering of patience.

Dreamers often wonder what the future holds...

And I am one of them.

Of course, today is super special.  Today is Keenan's birthday.  The boy turns 14 today.

I'm so excited about marking this milestone in his life.  He is growing so quickly.  He already towers over me.  He's getting stronger...and the pull up bar helps.

I love discovering all his new quirks.  I love seeing what he is getting into next.  I love our conversations as a a family.

Yes, Keenan will come out of his cave and hang out with us in the living room here and there.  And when he does, he's sure to talk to us about something he's been ruminating on for quite some time.

Just the other night, he was asking about getting a calendar for tracking his workouts.  Interesting.  And we discussed his birthday plans.  Looks like it will be a guys night.  He wants to see a movie with some friends, get some pizza, eat some cake, and then pull a video game all nighter with them.  I can live with that. 

Of course, I can't help but wonder what the future holds for Keenan.  He has some changes coming.  He's about to be a big brother.  As loving as he is, as considerate as he is, I'm sure he'll be awesome.  He will be much adored.  And he'll even probably be at least a little annoyed with it all...understandably.

All I know is that Keenan has so much promise, such a big bright beautiful future ahead.  I'm so glad I'm a part of it.  I'm so glad I've been able to shape his life thus far.  And I'm so proud of the man he's becoming.

He asked me once, years ago, if I thought he'd make a good husband and father one day.  I did then.  I still do.  Just don't rush it, kid.  Be smart like step-Sam.  Wait for the right woman to come along, the one that changes everything, the one you can't live without.  You have plenty of time to make all your dreams come true.

Dreamers aren't afraid

There's something I really love about Sam.  He is never afraid to ask for a deal.  I never knew that we could ask for a discount places, but he does all the time.

We save a bunch of money all the time on our remodeling projects and purchases just because he isn't afraid to ask.  He'll site that we're taking the floor model because that's all that's left...and we get a discount.  He'll point out that there's no box...discount.  He'll point out the flaws in the product...the wood is warped some, there's a scratch on the door, there are nicks in the trim...discount.

I often wish I was braver like that.  I wish I was unafraid.  Sam can be really fearless.  I love that about him.

He's my big protector.

And I have to tell you, it's a huge change for me.  I went from feeling like I had to take care of everything and be everything to having someone help me out and share life's burdens.  What a lovely change.  And it was a bit of an adjustment for both of us.

It's just like the other day when I was talking to my mother on the phone about how I was uncomfortable and having trouble sleeping.  She suggested we change sides of the bed.  Silly, mommy.

We can't.  Seriously.  We can't.

Sam has this thing, always has.  Our placement in bed is determined by where the door is to the room.  He has to be closer to the door to protect me.  If things go bump in the night, he has to be the one there to face them and fight them if necessary.

I never understood the world to be such a scary place.  I was so sheltered growing up.  And I thought most of the violent stuff only happened on television.  I've seen otherwise...especially the last few years.  And all I know is that despite knowing I have more to be afraid of, that the dangers are very real, I feel safe.  I'm not afraid.

Guess I've always been like that.  It scares Sam a little.  He doesn't like my reaction to some situations.  He wishes I had a healthier fear.  Somehow I just can't muster the fear when I know that I'm safe and loved and protected.  I don't put myself into bad spots, but I don't run either.

In fact, the only thing I've been afraid of in a long time is the possibility of losing this baby.  And I have to tell you, the longer this pregnancy continues, the less afraid I am of that.  Part of it, I'm sure, has to do with feeling out of control.  This is one of the areas of my life that no matter what I do, I can't control the outcome.  I can take all my vitamins, which I never used to do.  I can drink milk.  I can exercise.  I can lay on my left side.  I can be practically perfect.  It's of little consequence.  The survival of this little one is out of my hands.  I'm doing the best I can.  Luckily, Sam helps me be strong and brave and confident.

We just have to survive the winter.  Big bright changes are on the way.

Dreamers can't sleep

First of all, I say these things not because I'm unhappy being pregnant, but because I want to remember the pregnancy...every bit of it.

Even this.

I have trouble sleeping.  And I'm going to blame it on the fact that I have trouble getting comfortable.  Already.

There are times that are easier than others, but mostly...uncomfortable.

Lucky for me, Sam really respects that.  He's so sweet that he will let himself be uncomfortable just to ensure that I'm okay.  Don't wonder for a minute over whether or not I love and appreciate this man.  I do.  I really do.

So, Sunday was great.  We had fun with friends on Saturday going to the corn maze.  Then we slept as long as we wanted Sunday.  Then Sunday was nice and laid back.  In fact, when we decided that we were tired around 2:30pm, we slept.  Yes...Sam naps with me.  Actually, Sam started the naps long long ago.  I have simply embraced them.

We slept for two hours.  Two hours.

I figured that I was in a great place.  I felt good.  I felt rested.  And I was thrilled when he wanted to go to bed at 10:30pm.

Only we went to bed, our new routine adopted.  Sam always lets me get comfortable, then he wraps himself around me.  I can't think of a better way to drift off.  Only...I couldn't drift off.

I tried other positions.  And Sam slept through it.  I moved his hand higher on the belly.  I moved his hand lower on the belly.  I moved his hand to my side.  I moved to my other side.  Nothing.

Oh, something.  I had to get out of bed to pee.  I had to kick off the covers because I have turned into this little furnace.  And I even did one thing that I love doing that usually relaxes me...I watched Sam sleep.  I turned off the television.  I snuggled in.

I only managed to get about five hours sleep.

That's okay.  I guess.  I just feel like I need to get all stocked up now because as I recall, there's not a lot of sleeping after the baby arrives.  And I can't wait for the arrival of a healthy little one.  It's going to be a while.

In the meantime...I need some sleep.