An unexpected turn of events

I've been pretty sad lately. Really really really sad.

This time last weekend, I was certain my life was over. The life we had planned together was done. The hopes, the dreams, the future...all of it...gone. Simply finished.

Sam had hurt me. I was destroyed. And I wasn't sure I could forgive him. The kids were living with their father. I felt lost and alone.

I wanted to hold onto our dream, dream the dream alone. I still wanted the boat. Our boat. Plan Sea.

Long ago I had given up on the house. We were struggling and behind and every effort we had made to remedy the situation was shut down.

Hope. I needed some hope.

And hope came in some unexpected ways and some strange places.

We've been talking. We've been working on things.

I have always said that we can fix anything that we want to fix, the key is whether or not we want to fix it. He does. I do. If we can.

The trick is laying it all out, every little thing that has been glossed over and swept under the rug. We had to share every thought, feeling, gripe, unfulfilled need. It's easy to do when we have nothing left to lose. And then we have to decide where to go from there. Can he meet my needs? Can I meet his? Is it worth the effort?

We think so. We're taking it slow. We're working on time and patience. There is much to be considered. It's not a decision to make lightly.

But for some reason, once we decided to try, things changed.

His house, our home...it's saved. We're not losing the house. We received a grant. We may still get the loan modified, the payment lowered. We're going to be okay.

The boat, Plan Sea...it's saved. We got our miracle. We spoke to the owner. He likes us. He doesn't want to put the boat back on the market. He's willing to wait for the IRS to come through with my check.

We'll have our boat. We'll have our house. We'll get the future we dreamed of. And it seems like we'll get so much more.

He says he's done being scared. He says that he understands what's important. He's ready to follow through. He's ready to give me everything I want and need. It will take time. I need to be patient. We're still working on a limited budget. It will take some time to catch up, but once we do...everything. My whole dream.

Seems like I got my miracle after all.

It'll take a miracle

Just one small miracle. That's all that I need. Without it...no Plan Sea.

Yeah. That's all.

I tried everything I could think of, but the purchase of the boat had to be completed in thirty days. We're over.

There's nothing I can do about it. The IRS won't start tracing the check until today. I didn't receive an inheritance from a long lost relative I've never heard of. I haven't had a big sale on Rentable Me. No sponsors offering me large sums of money. And I don't play the lottery...mostly because of the luck thing. I simply don't have any...luck that is.

For the most part, I believe we make our own luck with perseverance and effort. I've done all that I can. Somehow, I have to believe that whatever happens was meant to be. It will all work out in the end.

So, I'm swallowing my disappointment. I'm moving forward. New plan. There will be a new boat when the time is right. It better be soon.

Getting into a routine

It hasn't been easy lately, trying to maintain some kind of normal. It hasn't been easy trying to function day to day. As you may imagine, there's been one thing and pretty much only one thing on my mind.

Constantly I wonder what to do about Sam.

I was supposed to move out over the weekend, but that fell through. And Sam, of course, had offered to let me stay. He thought it was ridiculous to move twice. Plus, the cats were going to be here anyway.

So, I stayed.

Don't confuse that with getting comfortable again. I didn't unpack.

We've had a lot of talks, talks that I'm still mulling. And I am not ready to share any of that yet. Soon. Or soon enough. I know I will.

In the meantime, I've gone back to walking in the morning. I've always liked doing it, but I have been so overwhelmed with computer work that I haven't been able to manage much else. I would wake up, work on the computer, get ready for work where I would spend all day entertaining people and working on a computer, and then come home to cook, clean and...you guessed it...work on the computer.

Needless to say, I haven't been able to accomplish much other than...working on the computer.

These past few days, I've been working on getting life back into perspective. I've been working on thinking more and figuring out what's important, what matters. And while I don't have all of that completely together yet, I do know that the walking helps.

It clears my head first thing in the morning. It gives me some much needed endorphins to help stabilize me. And even though my body hurts, I know it's a good hurt. So, I carry on.

That's pretty much the story of my life. I carry on. I keep plugging along. Like most people, I try to do the best I can with what I've got. And I trust that somehow, everything will come together.

I think I made him blush

Always the planner, I was speaking to a friend who works in the electronics department at Sears.

me: I need a new camera.

friend: Any idea what you want?

Clearly, we are not that close. I always know what I want. I just don't always know if I can get it. I love love love to dream though!

Worse, I had contacted the people at Canon weeks ago. Apparently they aren't going to give me a camera to review or treat it as a sponsorship for the trip or anything. *sigh* Too bad I have my heart set on that particular model. I had no choice but to try to buy it now.

me: Yes. I found it online. It was a Canon. It's good underwater for 30 feet. I think it's a...

Now here's where I mess up. Numbers...not my friends. Words and pretty pictures...friends!

me: It's pearly baby blue.

He laughed.

Then he explained that it was definitely an online item.

friend: The closest we have here is a Fuji and it only goes 10 feet.

me: No good.

friend: So you're getting serious, huh? You plan to go deep?

me: Well, you know...go deep or go home!

I thought about that for a second. His eyes were huge. And that's when I giggled. It sounded kinda naughty. Naughty, naughty words.

I'm not settling...

That's what I have decided. No matter what, I refuse to settle.

I am at a point in my life where I really know what I want and I finally have the confidence to achieve it. I can do this, whatever this happens to be. I can. I've got this.

I am a different woman than I was when I married nearly twenty years ago. I am a different woman than I was when I decided to end that marriage. I am different from the woman who started dating Sam three years ago. And different is better.

For years, I accepted less than I deserved out of fear. I accepted less because I was afraid of being alone. Then I learned that there are worse fates than that...like lonely and with the wrong man.

Now, I'm not afraid of being alone. And I'm not afraid of being lonely. There will always be someone if I want someone.

That means that the one question is...what do I do about my heart? It's a problem because I have to tell you, this dreamer has loved this man more than she's ever allowed herself to love anyone. This dreamer still wants the dream. And I can have it. I can. I just don't know if I should.

Weighing the options here. Weighing the pros and cons. Weighing pretty much everything but me. I have a good idea how much I weigh already.

I'll figure it out. I will. I always do. Just taking my time to make the best decisions. These are the most important decisions I've ever made. There's too much riding on them for me not to take them seriously. Time and patience. The answer will come.

Plan Sea...still

I'm not giving up. I've listened to your comments. I've listened to my heart. Plan Sea is still a go.

So, I'm making arrangements with the owner. I need to secure the boat. Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. I'm going ahead.

There will be more sailing lessons. I'm really excited about them. The next one was supposed to be a trip to Georgia. I'm really looking forward to it. Why wouldn't I?

I need adventure. I need new experiences. And I can still do that, with or without Sam.

It's funny, but just like I learned with my ex, I'm the one making things happen. I'm the one that has propelled our life in the direction I want to go. I don't need someone else to hold me back or affirm by decisions. I can do this.

And so Plan Sea will proceed. I've spoken to Matt, the dock master, and he assures me that I can spend long weekends on the boat without any problems. And I have been applying for Charleston jobs. And I know that with summer fast upon us, it is imperative that I get moving on learning to sail. I'll be able to sail over to the kids in Myrtle and spend the weekends with them. I can't wait.

Life is going on, just as it should. I'm getting on with my life, just as I should. I don't need a new dream. I just needed to rework my existing dream. And I have. Dream on.

Finding a new dream

It's going to take some time. I have to think about what to do very carefully. And, since I no longer trust myself to make...any major decisions...I'll be asking you to weigh in and help. You will, right? You won't leave me here to flounder on my own filled with self-doubt?

So far I have been encouraged to keep my dream alive, to follow it. Friends are reminding me that I'm strong. And I have to admit, I'm feeling stronger.

I only have a few more days to pack up and get things out of the house. My self-imposed deadline, not his. He actually doesn't seem happy about my departure. At the same time, we have agreed it's for the best. It is. I just think in the long run it will be better for me than for him.

Therefor, I'm working on doing what dreamers do. We dust ourselves off and find a new dream or we rework an existing dream. No matter what, we never stop dreaming.

My cousin, Becky, thinks that I can get some sponsors and carry on with the Plan Sea if I have the right schtick, the right angle. She may be right. At the moment, my entire angle is that I'm Suddenly Single at Sea. I think it would be therapy. I think if I took some time and sailed away, building the business as I went, that I would definitely come back stronger. Sam would never be able to touch me again.

At the same time, there are the kids to consider. There's the possibility that, at the moment, I might want to consider some land adventures since Rachel will be graduating next fall and Keenan will be starting high school. I can't leave them. Not now, not ever.

But mostly, my dream does not involve a house anymore. Okay, maybe a house on a tropical island, but no ordinary continental US house will do. I could Under the Tuscan Sun it in the Caribbean. (The movie version, not the real version.)

The important thing is that I have time to figure this out. I have until my tax refund arrives, and then some. I have a place to stay until then. It is the perfect place to recuperate. I'll tell you more tomorrow.

For now, I need to ponder my next move. This one is temporary. All opinions are welcome.

A dream deferred

It looks like I'm having to defer part of my dreams. Sam and I broke up. It's my fault. I wouldn't let him date other women. I'm mean and crazy like that.

Give me a few days to pull it together. Since I want to focus on the future dreams and happy here, I'll refer you to my aptly named blog, Suddenly Single Journey, for the current events.

Today, for example, I wrote about the break up.

It's coming together

Our passports arrived. We've started sailing lessons. The boat looks like it is actually going to work out. Amazing how a weekend can change so many things.

And because I was feeling so good about it, I contacted the marina. Cooper River Marina is actually perfect for us. We have showers and wi-fi, a mini store, power, and they will sign for packages...which is really great coming from someone who gets A LOT of packages.

So, I contacted the dock master yesterday to find out about the packages. That's when he said that there's a five year waiting list on liveaboard spaces.

I am confused. The boat is already in a liveaboard space. And I pretty much figured that the space conveyed. Now I don't know.

More waiting. I asked him to call me back. Prior discussions were via email. We'll see.

Yet another snafoo. I've come to expect them. Trying to roll with the punches.

On the bright side, we're selling more stuff from the house. We'll be using it to pay for the boat until my money arrives.

The bright side

Sunday was a disaster of epic proportions. And if you want to know all the many ways it went wrong, you need only read about it on Suddenly Single Journey, where I liken the experience to Gilligan's Island. Oh, but I don't want to focus on all the bad things that happened. Instead, I want to share the good stuff, too.

See, I love the water. I have always loved the water. And when we started this little adventure, we could see ourselves tooling around on a sailboat and really relaxing. At least, that is how I always imagined it.

Sam, apparently he thought that way, too. We would talk about sailing around the Caribbean and how I could be working online while he steered us in the right direction. After actually spending a day sailing, neither of us is so sure it's going to be that way anymore.

Sailing is actually a bit of work. And I seemed to bear the brunt of it as we sailed.

The Catalina that we took out was significantly smaller than Lancer, the set up is completely different, and I felt a whole less secure on it since there are no railings on it. See, I had to handle the sails. It was my responsibility to raise the jib and the main. I had to walk out to the bow while the boat was moving and undo the bungee around the jib then raise it and secure it. The main had to be untied in three spots, then raised and secured also. That was way less scary.

I learned how to tack. I just have to remember to be more vocal. I kept forgetting to say ready. I would just look at Sam and Buddy expectantly while holding the jib sheet. My bad.

Oh, but there is so much to love about sailing. It was so peaceful out on the water. It was absolutely perfect. I love the smell of the salt air. There were porpoises. I kept saying dolphins, but was corrected repeatedly. And Sam just smiled at me every time.

We saw the sunset. We saw the moon rise. We did what I was afraid to do: night sailing. I had read so much about it from others that I knew it could be dangerous. Things can happen night sailing, bad things, when you can't see where you're going and the only light provided is by stars and the moon. Luckily, our moon was full and we weren't that far from shore at any given time. We didn't head out to the open sea this trip.

Sam and I had spoken about sailing much in the days before. He had warned me that I needed to be serious. It's not that I'm not serious. I knew exactly what he meant. I have this way of being clumsy and making mistakes. Instead of getting upset about them, I just giggle. Sam usually finds it to be both amusing and charming, but he knew that a sailing lesson was serious. So did I. This is our future we're talking about.

There was no giggling. And I have to tell you, I was really proud of myself. Not because of the giggling, but because of how much I learned, how hard I worked, and how much out of my comfort zone I was. I never saw sailing as something particularly athletic. Now, I see it differently. And apparently, I'm something of a natural despite the fact that I'm not particularly athletic.

Buddy and Sam were talking and I heard him say that he could tell I had been on sailboats before....only I haven't. And I took to the knots fairly quickly. I can tie off really well at the cleat. And I surprised even myself with my ability to jump off the boat and onto the dock from pretty big distances when we were docking. I had to man the bow line. It was scary.

Still, none of my fears came true. I stayed dry, for the most part. I didn't get hit with the boom. (I was way too short for that.) And I didn't make a total fool of myself. Heck, I was even good!

I can't wait to go again. I want to learn everything, soak up all the knowledge I can. I'm ready for our adventure to begin.

Did I say Monday?

Yeah. I checked again. I sure did.

I told you that I'd be telling you all about the sailing Monday. I also said that it would only be a day trip. About that...not so much.

And so, I'll be talking all about the sailing here tomorrow. I'll be talking all about the many man many things that went wrong on Suddenly Single Journey tomorrow.

Guess you can look forward to a double dose and the full story...tomorrow.

Right now, I'm facing about 650 emails between those for me, and those for Rentable Me. I just wanted to check in, tease you a little, and get you back here tomorrow, panting for the story.

Is it working? We shall see...

So, Sunday

That's when it looks like we'll be having our first sailing lesson. The weather today...while really windy...not great for sailing. And so, we'll be leaving tomorrow morning and heading for Charleston.

We won't be staying over. We'll make a day trip of it. I'm sure we'll be back late. No problem. I'm great at surviving on little sleep. Hey, I didn't say I was pleasant and fun to be around, I just said that I could survive and mostly function.

I'm thinking Sam should drive. I'm thinking that since Sam won't be working on Monday and I will. See where I'm going with this?

So, I guess I should study before I make a total fool of myself on water. I tend to be a pretty fast study. I just need to find time to study. Hmmmm. And I guess that means that I need to get off the computer to accomplish that.

Would anyone have words of advice? What do I really need to know to not make a fool of myself? I only ask this because I don't have a great history of boat related firsts.

The first time I tried to water ski, it went badly. I was fourteen, out with my Jennie and her family. The boat was a speedboat we took out on Lake Champlain. It kept stalling out at the most inopportune moments. I'd be just about up and suddenly find myself doing a face plant in the water when the motor would kick in once more, dragging me behind, sucking in water while everyone screamed for me to let go.

Then there was my first time canoeing. I was trying to get into the canoe, being cautious, stepping in the middle. Only, the kid in the back of the canoe pushed off while I was only halfway in. Suddenly, I found myself doing a split as I tried to decide whether to jump for the boat or the dock. The choice was made for me and I landed in the water.

My concern? I'm thinking sailing is going to be somewhere in the middle. *sigh* Insert words of comfort...here. I'll be eager to tell you all about it one way or another on Monday.

If I make it.

Some more options

Last night, Sam spoke to Buddy and I settled in to get work done. I knew he wouldn't be talking to me for quite some time. Once he and Buddy started speaking, they would be at it for an hour. And it was just fine with me. I had work to do, and I wanted him to remember his enthusiasm for our big plan. Speaking with boat people always inspired him.

So, Sam and Buddy spoke. They spoke and they spoke and they spoke. And when they were done speaking, we finally had a moment to talk...mostly about their conversation. Just as I had hoped, the excitement was back.

We'll be fine once we get away from the dream killers. Whenever he talks to someone who is negative or gives him that look, he begins to doubt. He thinks differently. Suddenly he starts planning this life on land.

And I have to admit, I'm looking at him differently. I always thought he had a stronger personality than that. I thought that he was a man of conviction that would stand up for what he believed in. Mostly, I thought he believed in us. I thought he believed in our dream, our plans for the future.

To see him happy, to see the sparkle, made me feel so much better. We spoke about our options. Buddy has bought a boat shop. He refits and cleans and repairs boats. He'd love to hire Sam to do some carpentry work. He assured him that he'd make great money. Hmmm. Great money while we live on a boat and have low overhead. We could sail every day after work for a few hours. We could really learn and improve our skills. Sam could learn some necessary boat skills.

Then I saw the sparkle fade.

Sam: We can't do that. We have too much going on here. What do we do with the house?

The truth is that we don't have a much going on here. The company that he was supposed to start subbing for this past week has kind of fizzled. They have one job for him. One. It will take a day...maybe two, depending upon his laborers. And then...nothing.

But I don't want to point that out. It will only make him angry and more stubborn. Instead, I have to offer options.

me: We'll talk after the weekend. We'll talk over the weekend.

The truth is that we are stuck here at least until the IRS delivers my money. We're here until the passports arrive. We're here until we have a renter for the house, since he's suddenly determined to keep it, and convinced that we can. We're here until we take care of everything, moving all our things. We're here.

And while I'm a big believer in the here and now. I don't want to be here now. I have my reasons. They are sound. They aren't going to change. Ah, but change...change, I embrace. I need things to be different and better and new...somewhere else.

We'll know more soon. But this weekend, in Charleston, I'll breathe.

Learning to roll

I have always been good about simply pressing on and pushing through challenges. Lately, that has been tested more and more. And I feel it most acutely with Sam.

Over the last few years, we have been through it. We have struggled. We have fought. We have let anger get the best of us and lead us down the wrong path.

Yet no matter what, we always managed to make it work out.

It's me. I know it's me. As much as I can be impatient and impulsive and moody...he is more so. And when it comes down to it, I tend to be the one to bend and calm down challenging situations.

Over the last few days, I've gone with no more than three hours sleep a night. I am dieting. I am writing two blogs six days a week, maintaining two Twitter accounts, three Facebook pages, a YouTube, a Flickr, and a partridge in a pear tree...all while working full time, running all the errands, and maintaining a house, two cats, and a GIANT dog. It's a lot...even without the bird and tree.

So, I haven't been my best. I have whined. I have complained...mostly that I'm tired. In the end, though, I'm easy to appease. I need but one thing from him: TLC. When times are tough, if he simply enfolds me in his arms, everything melts away and I am ready to face the world again. Sometimes, however, when I am hardest to love is when I need love the most...and he wants nothing to do with me.

Needless to say, we are needing to meet somewhere in the middle. I need to be easier to be with, but he needs to suck it up and hug me when I ask. Every time I ask. As often as I ask.

I can't be mad at him for not giving me what I want if I don't ask for it. So, I asked. Let's see how he answers.

Ship wrecked

I was pretty distraught Monday over the huge disappointment of dealing with the IRS. I get really frustrated when things go wrong and they aren't my fault and they are completely out of my control to fix. So...there were tears. And I swore like a sailor, although I feared I might never actually be a sailor.

But...and this I am patting myself on the back for...

I didn't touch a drop of alcohol to self-medicate. And I didn't eat my feelings.

I don't have a problem with alcohol, nothing like that, but when I'm sad, alcohol only amplifies it for me. And when I'm sad, I only eat more. None of that was going to help me get into a bikini this summer.

So, yay me for staying on the dieting wagon.

We were pretty wrecked over the boat. We were thinking it meant canceling everything. Only...it didn't. We ended up talking to the boat owner. He was really understanding. He said we could stay on the boat for the weekend and sail with our instructor who is fast becoming our friend. And I guess that's what we're going to do.

The plans are still on. And I feel better. The website is launched. And I feel better. I'm even starting to meet with potential clients. So I really feel better.

Who knows? Maybe by the end of the month the check will have arrived, or we will have signed up enough sponsors and clients to pay for the boat regardless, or our prime junk will sell.

Hey, it could happen. I've hit one of life's many sandbars. We're getting it together. We'll make it through. Somehow, we always do. And when we do, we'll be wiser and stronger and hopefully thinner. (Well, I will be, anyway...) Fingers crossed.

Bitch slapped by the universe

That's what I was.

Everything was set. We were going to finish paying off the boat this weekend. We were going to register the boat. I was going to give notice. Everything was set.

Then the universe intervened.

My IRS check, the one that is making everything possible...the boat, the business, leaving the job with a small amount of security to back my enthusiasm...MIA.

And that doesn't mean that it's in Miami. It means that they don't really know where it is. See, I called to see where it was since it was supposed to be here a week ago. Instead of having an answer...more questions. Seems the check was sent to Maryland, which is strange since I've never lived in Maryland. I'm not even sure I've ever passed through Maryland. Hell, I doubt I could pick Maryland off a map.

They won't reissue the check. Not until I haven't received it by May 2nd. Yup. And then they will track it and trace it and take anywhere from four to ten weeks to investigate it before they reissue it. Those bastards.

It seems it comes down to one of two options. Either my check was hijacked or some idiot keyed in my information incorrectly. Only, suspiciously enough, it was only my address that was wrong.

So, I did what anyone in my position would do. I asked for a supervisor. Oh, but there aren't any. They are just running a muck at the IRS with no supervisors. Really. I should have asked for...the Secretary of the Treasury maybe? And how can such an egregious error take place, but no one is responsible. How can I get screwed so frequently? I swear my luck is just a bit worse than...most.

Still, I try so hard to be optimistic. So, I tell myself that this is the way it's meant to be. I tell myself that must be this boat wasn't meant to be. Must be there is a better boat in store for us.

That's how I carry on.

Every year

Somehow spring sneaks up on me every year. EVERY YEAR! This year, it's all in my face now. And here I am with once again needing to get back in shape. I was off to a strong start with the Zumba. I hope to be working on it again in the next few days. And I'll get my neighbor to once more be my workout buddy.

I've been ridiculously distracted by getting the business going. It's really time consuming. Aside from setting up all the necessary account and necessary emails, I've had to load content all those places. More time. And while I try to be really smart about it, and make the best use of my time...I only have so much time.

And spring is here and I'm not getting any thinner. Okay, I wasn't getting any thinner, until Friday. Friday I did the little move that I call scaring myself straight. Yeah, I stepped ever so gingerly onto the scale. I have learned that when working with a scale, it is best not to sneak up on them. They treat you better, too, if you speak in a soft voice, dust them off before stepping on, and make empty promises.

That's why Friday morning, I walked over to the scale and bent to dust it off.

me: Okay, I'm getting on. I'll go slow. Be nice. Be nice and I'll finally get serious about that diet. Promise.

And so I stepped and it bucked a little, the digital readout was all over the board, but finally it settled down and the results were...better than I hoped, less than expected. The reason I expected more was because Sam had made some comments lately. He's great with the comments. I don't think men realize the power they have over us, how the wrong word or phrase can send us to the bad place.

Then came Sunday. I decided that I wasn't going to wait for that Monday non-sense to start a diet. So, I went grocery shopping. I was serious. The only carbs in my cart were for Sam: ice cream and chips. I'm a good fiancee. Instead, the cart was filled with fruits and vegetables and loads of protein. I bought some nuke-a-meals for lunches. And I'm back on the wagon.

Yup. It's five small meals a day for me again. It's the only diet that has ever worked. Well, the best was doing that in conjunction with the doctor's diet. He gave me phentermine and hcg shots. Good doctor. Only, I don't know if I want to spend money on that right now. I want to see if years of practice mean I'm ready to go pro on the diet circuit. I want to do it all by myself. I'm so big...mostly between my navel and my knees.

So, wish me luck. I'll need it. And give me a gentle nudge here and there when you see me making excuses about the exercise thing. I'll try to be better. And I'll even be accountable. On Mondays, I'll tell you how much I lost over the week. My goal is 35 pounds. Let's see how long it takes me.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

*tooting horns*

By Sam's decree, we will be buying the boat we agreed to buy. *whew*

I talked to a friend last night...

me: It doesn't work to fight with him.

Carrie: Well, what can you do?

me: Normally, I just let him come the right conclusion on his own. He always does. It just takes time.

Our plan isn't as on course as I'd like. We're probably going to be here longer than I'd like, but his reasoning is relatively sound. He wants us to save more money. And he hopes that we will have the money to buy a better boat before we sail off too far.

Fingers crossed, we'll have that better boat.

Personally, I think that will be harder to save the money we need given the high overhead of living in the house. At the same time, we're not ready to sail off. We don't even know how to sail yet. Our passports haven't arrived yet.

And then there's the body...my body. It's not sailing ready either.

I'm hoping that once I'm out of work, I'll have the time to work out more. I'll have time to eat right. It's worked before.

So, we're working on learning to sail. And I'm still building the company. And with some luck, and time, and patience, we'll be setting sail before winter.

I'm not so sad as I thought I'd be, I know that he's my anchor. I'm his compass. Together, we have stability and foresight. We'll be just fine.

Again with the doubts...

Sam is going to be the death me.

I left the house Wednesday night to meet with my computer guru. He's awesome. Don't believe me? Read my happiness post devoted to him. Better still...just wait and see when I launch the business website.

Okay, so I left the house and Sam stayed home because he was spent after working in the blazing sun all day. I get that. Still, it made me a bit cranky. So we snapped at each other as I walked out the door. Then we talked on the phone while I drove.

Sam: Over being angry already?

me: Nope. I still wanted to talk to you though.

I can't stand when we fight. And that wasn't even a fight. It was just tension running high and venting taking place. By the time I reached Starbucks we were good.

Then, when I called on the way home, he started talking about how he had been looking at boats. And all I could think was...here we go again.

He was upset that I didn't have more to say on the subject. My feeling? Looking is pointless. These boats cost more money than we have or we'd have bought one of them. Sam is convinced we can work a deal. Oh, but in order for that to happen, we need to go see them this weekend...in Myrtle Beach.

To appease him, I contacted one. They haven't responded. The other...we haven't even emailed.

And I think of all the pros and cons. That's what I do. I weigh things. It's a close call. If we get a more expensive boat loaded with everything he wants, maybe he'll feel more comfortable following through with our plan. Right now, he's making me crazy. I'm set. I know what I want. I'm just hoping I get it.

I've built an entire life and business around what we said we wanted. I'm not altering it now. Something is going to have to give. This time, it's him.

Some things I'm not going to miss

I've been thinking about how different life is going to be at sea. And there are some things I'm really looking forward to. There are some aspects of life on land that I'm not going to miss like...

• cleaning the litter box. We briefly considered Sophie at Sea, but given her inability to roll with things on land, she'd probably have a nervous breakdown on a boat. This cat hid for three weeks in the wet bar when Sam and I moved in together.
  
• cleaning a 2000sqft house. It takes me all morning. And I'm not even doing the detail work. This is all the watering of plants, dusting, vacuuming, kitchen and bathrooms. It's a lot of work that I'd much rather spend on more worthwhile pursuits. It won't take much to keep the boat clean at all.
• scooping poop. Bishop definitely isn't coming. And I won't miss having a yard to scoop on a weekly basis. I don't do it that often. It wasn't supposed to be my job, but every once in a while I break down so that I don't have to walk out there in fear when we decide to have a fire.
• going grocery shopping daily. It's my least favorite chore. Of course since eating is one of my most favorite activities, I'm going to have to plan much better than I do now. And Sam is going to have to change his eating habits altogether. Wish us luck.
• my job. I have been there for six years. I need a change, a new challenge. And I've always wanted to work for myself. This is just coming together perfectly. It's going just right. I hope. Fingers crossed!
• Charlotte. For a city as large as it is in both the number of people and the sprawl, we have a proclivity for running into the people we don't want to see. I need new people. I need new scenery.
  
• driving. I hate driving. I was so excited when I got my license at 16 in NY. I loved the freedom. Only as I've aged, it has become something of a chore. I'm always the DD. I'm always the chauffeur. I'm always the one stuck running errands. I hate running errands.
• television. I barely watch it now. Half the time Sam has it on because I swear he can't stand silence, but I am usually working with the laptop and hardly paying attention. I like quiet. When he's working and I'm home alone, I don't even turn the television on. *sigh*

I'm sure the list will grow. And I'm sure I will work on a secondary list, the list of things I will miss. I know two things that are going to be right at the top...the kids and Bishop.

For now, focusing on the positive.

They inspired me...

At one point in time, I considered writing a non-fiction book about people who lived their life on the fringe. I have always admired those who step away from the traditional constraints imposed by society to live a life they dream of. And, believe it or not, it was when I began working with the elderly that I met so many of these individuals.

There was the couple who traveled around in their motor home, earning a living by selling t-shirts at festivals and fairs. They were seeing all of the United States that way. They had enough. They were happy. And when they were in town, they would come and have us take care of the wife's hearing.

And I tried to imagine a scenario in which I would drive around the country and sell things. It wasn't my dream. There's much of the US that I have no desire to ever see. I don't like the browns of the mid-west. I love green. And I hated the idea of having to carry around and stock items. Nope not for me. Still, I admired them for their lifestyle. And I longed to be as carefree and happy as they were.

Oh, but my very favorite couple was the one that had spent fifteen years sailing the Caribbean. They offered charter services between the islands. They had been all over, seen everything. And when they were older and the kids were grown, they had decided to live on land once more. They settled down. They had health issues. Oh, but they didn't return empty handed. They brought with them a macaw. And I could only imagine the crusty husband wearing that bird on his shoulder as he sailed around.

They truly inspired me. I have always loved the water. That's where I'm happiest. The beach has always fed my soul. And that was a lifestyle I could embrace.

We won't be embracing it on this boat. It's far too small to have a bunch of overnight guests. Day sailing is completely possible. At night, we max out at four.

Four is a nice number. Us and the kids. Us and another couple. Or...much of the time, just us.

I loved the idea of living on the fringe, living a life that is less ordinary. And now we're going to do it. There's much work to accomplish before we get there, but the plan is formulating, taking shape. The business is taking hold. We'll be taking off.

We have nothing but time. Oh, but I'm eager to get going. Time to sail...

Our next naming ceremony

I have always understood the importance of a name, finding the right name, the power of a name. Reading Ursula K. LeGuin's The Rule of Names only cemented it for me. To name a thing is to control it.

And so it is that we have had various namings through the last three years. We had that lizard who lived in the drop down ceiling. Gross, huh? And we had the fish that lived, albeit briefly, in the fountain...Belly Up and Floater. (We may have only gotten to the actual naming at their burial at sea...) There was the name selection for Bishop, our Great Dane. And we had a gaggle of kittens that needed naming. We're still coping with Ninja, who only lives up to her name when sneaking out of the house. The rest of the time she's the noisiest ninja EVER.

So that brings us to the boat.

Part of what made this boat super perfect, in my eyes, was that we would be naming her. I love a good naming. And so I thought of and researched variations of what I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted 'Dreamer.' This boat, is after all, our dream. Some of you even weighed in with different translations. Many thanks!

And then Sam and I had a talk the other night. It was one of our deep highly moving conversations.

Sam: For the first time in my life, I don't have a back up plan. I don't have a Plan B. It just seemed like if I had one, it would be bad for us. I don't want an out. I want you, forever.

We were sitting on the screen porch. It was just about dusk. And every once in a while I would see a flicker that would suggest the fireflies were beginning to reappear. The sky was gorgeous. The weather...ideal. The man, my dream. It was damn near perfect.

We went inside for a moment so I could pour a margarita. I was so happy, feeling so playful.

me: I have a Plan Sea.

He looked at me, almost stricken, and I smiled.

me: I spell it S-E-A.

He beamed.

Sam: I like it. Plan Sea.

me: It might make a good name for a boat.

Sam: That's perfect. It's clever. I like it.

And so when we go to register her on the 15th, she will henceforth be known as 'Plan Sea.' She's our perfect starter boat. I can't wait to get started.

So many reactions...

We've had so much feedback on our plans. Okay, I've had so much feedback. I'm the one who's really telling people.

I've been sharing most with those I respect most, those that understand me best. And I suppose I've kinda rigged the outcome, since I've been so selective. Still, the response has been positive.

Most people find inspiration in what we've decided to do. Part of it is that we're making the best of a crummy situation. Part of it is that we have dug deep and found the courage to truly follow our dreams. Not everyone does that. And those that stray from the norm, that shed their sheeple skin, are seen as inspirational.

That's what Holly sees. I've known Holly almost as long as I've been in North Carolina. She babysat my kids. We kept in touch when she went off to college. And now that she's graduated, we still keep in contact. Not as much. The girl has a life. And I'm not supposed to be the center of it.

Our life has been on fast forward lately, and I was concerned that I might actually not get to see her before we made the move. So, I just left her the most shocking message on her voicemail that I could. I had to spur her to action. Most of the times, my messages went unanswered.

This time, however, she called me right away.

And when she called, she was crying. She was crying for a loss she anticipated. And she was crying because she was happy for me, for us. And she was crying because she loved that we were following our dreams. That word popped up again: inspiration.

Of all the reasons for us to make this drastic change...it isn't about trying to be inspirational. It's all about needing a change.

Change is good. Big changes, scary changes, uncomfortable changes are even better. On this one, we're going for the gold. It's all that and more. Play big, win big. And for some reason, with Sam by my side, taking huge chances and making enormous changes just aren't as scary.

I guess I believe him. He always tells me he's got me. And he does. I can't fall. We can't fail. And soon enough...our secret will be out of the bag. We'll be ready to tell the world.

It was a long talk

And we did it all by text. We had to. I was at work.

It all began with a conversation Sam had with Rachel in my absence. We haven't been entirely open with our plans. There are too many contingencies. It's a big game of wait and see.

So a thought occurred to me. I don't know what's real anymore. Rather than suffer, I had to know.

me: I know we're trying to save the house, but we really are leaving, right?

Sam: One day

Yeah. Not the answer I wanted. He waffles sometimes. I'm the adventurer, the wanderer. And he's not super good outside of his comfort zone. I'm constantly working to expand it. So, I pressed harder.

me: When the work runs out?

Sam: Yup

Well, shoot. There has barely been any work for the last nine months. And he wasn't exactly over-whelmed with work at the moment.

me: Okay. We keep telling people so many things, I don't know what's true anymore.

Sam: Keeping the house and taking long trips on the boat.

Nope. Not what we planned. Not what I was willing to settle for.

me: Not renting the house and living on the boat?

Sam: We will figure that out later. For now I think we should try to keep the house if at all possible!

Ut oh. An exclamation point. I knew what that meant. He was getting frustrated.

It was twenty minutes before I could respond.

I'm done with Charlotte. It's a perfectly lovely place to live, but it has been ruined for me. The ex has ruined it. I've ruined it. And Sam has ruined it. We can't go anywhere without him being on edge, worrying over who we might run into. We stay home too much. And that sucks because even the neighborhood has been ruined for me.

I could feel my chest tightening thinking about staying here forever or even for six months. It wouldn't work for me. I was going to run. I know me. He knows me, too. So, I warned him.

me: I can't live here anymore. I'm hanging on because there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

And he caved. He recognized the truth of my words.

Sam: I know. We will rent the house if we don't have enough money or time. That is if we can save it?

He wants me more than he wants the house. He wants me and our future even if it means leaving his comfort zone. All was right once more.

me: I love you. I'm trying. We'll do our best.

Later that night, we met with the computer guru. He showed us the site, made notes of any other changes. And when we finally had a moment to relax, we spoke once more.

Sam: I believe in you. You can do this. We're going to make this happen.

He'll be steering the boat, but it looks like I'm the compass for our life. And we're both on board.