Dreamers chillax

Even frogs know how to kick back once in a while!

It was weird.

Keenan left Thursday.  He has been with us for three weeks, so it was strange suddenly not having him around.  I woke up this morning thinking about what we would have for our breakfast together.  And when I remembered he wasn't here, I kind of lost interest.  The new hulking purple vitamin I'm choking down ought to hold me over for a while anyway.

So, I decided to get to work.  I have plenty to do.  My orders are backing up on Fiverr.  I'm thinking of changing some of my offerings.  I thought the fairy tale was a good idea, but it so time consuming.  And I don't have time to be bogged down for $5 a gig.  So, I'm going to remove that one as soon as I finish this order.  There are other ones that I'd like to give a try.

And since I don't have anywhere I really have to go today and since Sam inferred that he wouldn't be home until after dark, I'm thinking that I have a good nearly twelve hours to accomplish a ton of work.  And that's good...since I have a ton to do.

November is just around the corner.  And I am so excited at what it all means.  It could be a really big deal.  I could position myself to be right where I want to be in January, having a strong start to the new year.  I predict it's going to be our best year yet.

All I really need to do is learn to chillax more.  You know...chill and relax...all at the same time.  I thought about it some and I don't know if I was ever good at it.  It's not in my nature.

Yet, these days, my body demands more chillaxing take place.  So, I'm learning.  I'm learning that if I don't get things done immediately, they will still be there later.  I'm learning that if I don't have the energy to do something, it's okay to put my feet up, to shut down, to rest and rejuvenate.  I'm learning.  The world won't fall apart if I can't give it my normal 110%.  Life will carry on.  The family will still be there.

So, take time to chillax.  Listen to your body.  Respect what you need to do.  And let go of the guilt.  There's no guilt in chillaxing, only rejuvenating the mind and body.

You've got this...

The dream is feeling real

I went back to the doctor yesterday.

My nurse is Nicole.  I met her the day I lost our son last year, the day before Thanksgiving.  And so as she works to get me through this pregnancy, we reminisce some.  We talk about our hopes for a happy healthy outcome.

But yesterday was scary.  Nicole had to use the doppler to find the heartbeat.  That's where it went so horribly wrong before.  She couldn't find the heartbeat.

So, I waited expectantly.  It only took a second.  The heartbeat.  It was strong.  It was there.  It was further evidence that I really was going to have a baby and that it wasn't a fast growing tumor that had attached itself to my middle.  And maybe my butt.  My butt seems bigger, too.

There was more blood work.  There was a flu shot.  There were future appointments scheduled.

And all I could think was...it's really happening.  We're really having a baby.

It's still early.  I know that.  So much could still go wrong, but I'm choosing to not think about it, to not dwell on the bad, to focus on the good.

And there's a lot of good.

I had a lovely talk with Sam's dad.  He likes talking to me because...I talk.  Sam gets frustrated easily as we often do with our own parents.  His conversations with his father are limited.  Mine...they last a good half hour.  I catch Dad up on our life.  I caught him up on the pregnancy.  And I bonded.  I genuinely like and love that man.  I'm so lucky I married into such a nice family.

I'm so lucky I married such a loving man.  He's going to be a great father.  And I'm guessing he believes we're really going to have a baby, too.  He's taken to walking around and suddenly saying a name.

Others might be confused, but I know what it means.  He's still picking names.  Of course, he's also still picking boy's names, but still...names.  He refuses to do anything else until he knows with absolute certainty that it's a girl.

He seems to be coming around.  Just yesterday he said something really sweet.

Sam:  She's not allowed to get married until she's forty.

me: Why so late?

Sam: If she marries too young some guy will just take over her life and we'll never see her.  At least if she waits until she's forty, I'll already be dead.

He has only promised me thirty years because he's convinced he's going to die young.  And he's pretty sure that thirty years is pushing it, but I have refused to give him credit for time served.  We're in this for the long haul.  He's my family man.  We're having a baby.

Dreamers modify their dreams

So, last spring I started a company.  I really believed in it.  I thought it had promise.

Sure, there were concerns that it wouldn't make it.  All new businesses have that concern.  It seemed like I was really going to make a go of it at first, but then...business slacked off.  I blamed it on a number of reasons...not the least of which was that it was difficult, maybe even nearly impossible to make a company grow when you are already working for another company full-time, running a home, raising two kids, taking care of a bevy of animals, and have a fiance who also needs time and attention...personally and professionally.

Yeah, so it failed.  Or just fizzled.  Regardless of the description, the result was the same.

The theory was good.  I was offering to do some social marketing for companies at a very reasonable rate.  the execution was good.  I had a new website made.  I opened accounts for everything I had to do.  New emails to manage, new YouTube to manage, new Twitter, new Facebook, new Flickr.  I was dying.  It was too much.  Or it was too much for me.  Add to that the need to find companies to work with...

Well, you know where this is going.

And it's now fall.  Six months later.  By now I thought the business would be well-established and we'd be preparing to go south, at least as far as The Keys, maybe farther.  We bought the boat.  (You know, the one that demasted and nearly killed us over Fourth of July.)  We had some really big plans.

Plans change.  And dreams get adjusted.  And eventually, dreamers find new dreams, find ways to modify their existing dreams.  We have to.

I still believe after all these years that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that all the bad and all the suffering lead to something good.  It always has in my life.  Or maybe I'm just super at finding that silver lining and seeing life through rose colored glasses.  Hey, whatever works and keeps me sane, right?

Well, I have a new direction to take the business.  I just have to get my computer guru on board.  I'm working on that as we speak.  Wish me luck.  And with that luck, we'll coast through winter.  We'll soar into spring.  And we'll be making all our dreams come true.

Details to follow of course.  Hugs!

Dreamers work together

Lately, there has been a new phenomenon.  Keenan has really become a member of the family.  He admitted to hiding out in his room a lot because of Rachel.  Now he's out and about.

We're loving it.

We have been having breakfast together every morning.  It's a standing date.  The other morning it was a real challenge.

We couldn't open the milk.

Sounds simple enough, right?  We made hot chocolate.  It was steaming hot.  We needed to leave room for the milk.

No matter what Keenan and I tried, we couldn't get it open.  Seriously.

Keenan: What's going on?  I don't get it.

Yeah, I was baffled, too.

We tried everything.  We tried a knife.  (And no one died!)  We tried having Keenan turn the top while I turned the bottom.  We tried all kind of tools and objects.

me: You realized we're not that far removed from monkeys right now, right?

And we started beating about our bodies and making frustrated monkey noises.  Finally, we gave up.

me: Okay, on the bright side...the hot chocolate is cool enough to drink now.  And Sam will be home later to open the milk.

Then I patted my belly.

me: Sorry, kid.  We'll have cheese and ice cream instead of chocolate milk today.

And it's not like that is any kind of trade off.  I love cheese.  And the ice cream is chocolate.  Yummmm.

Oh, and these moments with Keenan...super special.  I am blessed.  Oh, and knowing that I have Sam as additional support...perfect.

Dreamers do what they have to for their dreams to come true

Sam is stressing.

I know Sam is stressing.  I can tell Sam is stressing.  When he stresses, all he does is find fault with me.  And while I'm not perfect, I'm pretty awesome.  And given my pregnancy hormones, I'm not able to shake it all off like I normally would.

We've had a few conversations about how the hormones are affecting me, how pregnancy has turned my brain into swiss cheese.  We have discussed that he shouldn't simply tell me stuff when I have no place to write it down because I genuinely forget it.  We have even talked about how he has to bring his needs and wants to me before say....8pm.

But that hasn't been happening lately.  And I've been frustrated.

Take the other night when at nearly 10pm he decided he wanted the door hangers to have the address for the house he was doing the NEXT MORNING.  Yeah.  I was not pleased.

It resulted in a lecture about how I was supposed to be on top of things and that this is why he had me quit my job...oh, and my favorite part, that I wasn't living up to my end of the bargain.  Really?

It's because of my efforts that we have door hangers and personalized Visa gift cards to give as a referral gift and that all our books are together and online.  I'm the one who talks to the bulk of the companies we deal with and handles the emails and insurance and all the other unpleasantness.  Yes, he has a lot to cope with, but I do, too.  Dammit.  And I'm having trouble maintaining my Susie Sunshine at the moment.

The door hangers were modified and we stuck the labels on 210 of them last night.  They look good.  It was a good idea.  It's also an idea that should have been dealt with before 10pm.  We're developing our protocol.  It won't happen again because now I know what he wants and how he wants things done in that department.  Oh, but last night was rough.

And today isn't looking much better.  I have to drive about an hour each way to see one of our homeowners, pick up our signs and drop off her gift card.  She said some very nice things about us online.

Today I have to fight with the insurance company who is trying to overcharge us for workman's comp and liability.  It's going to get ugly.  I heard how the agent was speaking to Sam on the phone and I'm ready.  I've rolled up my sleeves, gathered my documentation, and I'm prepared to let him have it, if necessary.

And I'm working on finding us some sponsorship.  The local Fox network wants to help us with marketing...TV commercials.  They even want to use Bishop.  Of course.  So, we're trying to scrape together the money to make that happen.  It could be good for branding and building the company.

These stressful times will one day seem a bad and distant memory.  I have to believe that's true.  And all my hard work and all the challenges we face are only going to make us stronger, make the company all the more worthwhile and make our victories taste sweeter.

I'm ready already.  And in the meantime I'll take all the suggestions and help I can get.

Dreamers glow

Or it could just be the pregnancy.

Honestly, though, I think the pregnancy is only part of it.  Sure, I get told I'm glowing.  Some of Sam's friends ran into us out and about the other day.  And they commented on it.  And they asked how it was all going.  And they were so supportive and understanding.

So, I glow.

And that's not the only change lately.  That's not the only difference.  I glow, but he does, too.


Last night was so good.  He has been so involved in this pregnancy.  I love that every week I get emails telling me what's happening inside me at the moment.  And he sits beside me and wants to know what is going on.  How big is the baby now?  What is new and exciting?  What organs are functioning?  Are the fingers and toes still webbed?

I love those moments.  I love that he always listens and is interested.  He doesn't fake stuff...at least not with me.  So, I always know exactly how he feels and what he's thinking.

He's been super sensitive to me, to my feelings.  He helps me up.  He rubs my back.   He massages my feet.  (And I'm not a foot person, so that is super special.)

And last night, we snuggled into the lounge chair.  We haven't done that in a while.  We watched our shows all cozy.  And the way he looked at me, the way he touched me and rubbed my belly, I have never felt more loved.

I caught him staring at my stomach with this wistful look.  And it melted my heart.  I knew what he was thinking.  I could just see him imagining what was happening inside me.  I saw his hopes and dreams.  I saw him picturing fatherhood, raising a baby, holding and loving on his child.  I saw it all.  And it was beautiful.  If it was even possible, I'd say I loved him even more after that.

Why wouldn't I glow?

And it's always been like that with him.  Even when I wasn't pregnant, he made me glow.  The more he loves me, the more he gives of himself, the brighter I shine.

I'm blessed.  I know this.  I cherish these moments and my life.

More than anything, I encourage you to find something that makes you glow...

Dreamers find serenity

Oh, you all know it...the serenity prayer.  And it's so true.

I have been inundated with so much crap lately.  It's been challenging to hold it together.  With my raging hormones, everything has hurt so much more than it normally would.  Sam came home later than anticipated the other day...by a whole thirty minutes...leaving me to feel abandoned and stressed.  I couldn't answer these work questions without him.  And I was really feeling the need for some TLC.

I get like that sometimes.  More than sometimes lately...

It had been days of fighting with Rachel, arguing with my ex.  It had been days of drama.  And at the same time, I was trying to carry on and complete necessary tasks.

When life gets like that, I just want to get all turtley.  I want to hide in my shell.  I don't want to interact.  I just want to be left alone.  Only there was no alone to be found.

For some reason, I always believe that I can work things out with my words.  And so it is particularly frustrating when my words go unheard, when people refuse to listen.  That's when the dwelling begins.

But I don't have time to dwell.  I don't have time to be upset.  And I don't like the distraction.  I need to be calm and centered and relaxed now more than ever.  No need to bake a tense and angry baby.

And that's when I have to dig deep to remember.  I can only control so much.  The rest, I must accept.  I preach acceptance in love.  I truly believe in it.  Oh, but it so much harder to accept that some of these things are uncontrollable.

So, I carry on with my life.  I work to make the best life possible for Sam and Keenan and Bishop.  Sophie has never returned.  And Rachel hasn't either.

We're doing okay.  Some days are way better than okay.  And those that aren't...I'm letting go.

Dreamers grow together

It's been so nice lately.  It's constantly getting better.  Between us.

I have been reveling in the way he reaches out to me so much lately.  That's new-ish.  He used to be so tightly wound, hated snuggling unless he had been drinking.  So...yeah...weekends were super special.

Only now, we'll be sitting on the couch and he just has to be touching me.  We lay in bed and he just had to be touching me.  Instead of me chasing him to the door when he goes to a job, he comes to me for hugs and kisses before departing.

Oh, and the hugs...

They are long and lingering.  They are involved.  He draws me so close I can scarcely breathe.  He holds my head to his chest.  He caresses my hair.

When he woke up yesterday, he made my day.

Sam: Hey! I thought you were going to wake me up!  It's so hard to get up in the morning when I just want to climb back into that warm bed with you.

It's heaven.  Really.  So wonderful.

And I have to tell you, it makes me forget all the bad stuff we went through to get to this point.  It does remind me...how we got here.  There's a secret...a key.  I know what it is.  I'll let you in on it.

Ready?

Forgiveness.  Love can't conquer all.  If you can't let go, if you can't forgive, you have no future.

It's true.

You can hold so tightly to the past that you don't have room for the future.

Let it go.  Just release it all.  If you want that future, you can't hold on to the past.

I love this man.  With all my heart.  So much it scares me.  So much that the thought of the loss of him is crippling.  I don't worry that he would voluntarily leave me.  More, I worry that the smoking will catch up with him.  I worry he'll dies young like his mother.  I worry that the skin cancer will flare up...again.  And I work to make sure that the worries don't overwhelm me.

So, I let go of the bad, and so did he.  We made room for our future.  We're growing together...so very nicely.

Dreamers don't let external forces bring them down

Nope.  They sure don't.

See, I live a public life.  Mostly.  And there are those that are close to me that don't read me.  I like that.  It gives us something to talk about in real life.  And there are those who should be close to me, but only communicate by reading me and the occasional comment, but don't speak to me.  I don't like that.  It doesn't give them the truest sense of my life.

That's what I'm suffering through at the moment.

I expect to be judged.  I put myself out there.  I share my successes.  I report on my failures.  I struggled to stay focused and positive.

Ah, but there are these moments.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  There are moments when someone says something that just brings you down.

Or maybe it's just me.  What?  You, too?  Good.  So, I'm not alone.

And yet at the moment, I'm trying to dispel the dark cloud that is raging over my head.  So, I write.

This is what I've come up with.

I can't let others have that much control over my mood.  It doesn't matter what someone thinks if they don't know the entire story and haven't sought me out to understand the situation.  And someone who doesn't try to be a part of my life...really doesn't matter.  What that person thinks...doesn't matter.  What that person writes...doesn't matter.

I give credence to those that know me and want to know me, to those that talk and listen, to those that interact and stay in touch.

My life is too big.  I have too much going on to let my mood be altered by external forces.  I'm smarter than that.  I'm stronger than that.  And gosh golly, I deserve better than that.

So, I'm brushing it off.  I'm shaking it off.  I'm moving forward because I don't have time to be stagnant and dwell on a bunch of negativity.  Good big things are happening.  And that's what deserves my energy and enthusiasm.

Dreamers work on a brighter future

I've mentioned that there have been problems with Rachel.  There's constant stress with the ex.  There's challenges in our every day life...finding work, maintaining work, and making enough money to sustain our life.

None of this is easy.  It's hard to maintain my optimistic attitude with all this.  And there's more.  There's always more, isn't there?

Still, I face these challenges as well as I can.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days I just think about how maybe I should have stayed in bed.  Really.

So, the other day, I did what I do.  When the going gets rough, I try to plan for my future.  I try to make a plan for the changes I need to make in order to get where I need to be.

The changes were obvious.  I need to write more for money and less for myself.  If there's a way to combine the two, all the better, but right now...I don't see it.  I need to focus more on the novels and marketing.  When I did, I made more money.  And I need to make sure that I dig deep and get done what I need to do.

That's a big part of what November is about.  I need to make sure I get at least one novel written.  More would be better.  And then, of course, I need money to market and for book covers.  Nothing is free.

Once again, I have a plan.  Now I just need the energy to sustain it.  It's not even a matter of tapping into untapped energy stores.  There are none.  I'm just going to have to make better use of my time.

Time I have.  Plenty of time.  Just...management now.

How do you do it all?  I really need to know.  November is critical for the rest of the winter.  No time like the present to build a brighter future.

Dreamers problem solve in unlikely ways

Yes, if nothing else we are dreamers.  And I have been known for my problem solving skills...forever.  Give me a problem and, generally, I can find a solution.  So, it was really getting to me that I couldn't find a buyer for the sailboat.

It seems that the de-masting over Fourth of July weekend make us both a little sailboat shy.  We had to rethink our sailing the Caribbean dreams.  It would have been nice, but as much as we like to live our lives on the edge, the edge of life and death is a little more than we are comfortable with.

And so as much as it pained me, we had to sell the boat.  We had to find new dreams.  We had to move in a new direction.  We're good at that.

Ah, but here it is October.  For three months I struggled to get the boat repaired, to find a buyer, to lose the albatross some way some how.  The slip fees continued even though the sailing had ceased.  And while we did get to spend another lovely weekend on it while we secured it for a hurricane, it wasn't the same.

Just as I handle most of our challenges, I turned to my buddy Craig.  I put up yet another post about the boat.  This time, just like the last few times, I laid out the situation.  I mentioned we would be willing to sell or trade for a power boat of some kind.  This green living, smaller carbon footprint stuff could be the death of us.  And I closed with an explanation that we were three hours away...contact us only if you're serious.

Then I gave up.

Well, last week, out of nowhere, we had two responses.  Yup.  TWO!  So, we decided to head down to Charleston, hopefully, for one last time.

We left at the butt crack of dawn.  And we started showing the boat at 10am.  I feared it was going to be another bust.  Instead, we made a deal.  We came to an agreement with the second buyer.

He took our boat off our hands.  We...took all three off of his.  I know.  Don't get me started.  It was an unconventional trade.  We only wanted the pontoon boat.  We have lots of fun on those floating platforms.  Instead, we also ended up a 14 foot sunfish and its trailer and a 16 foot hobie cat and its trailer.

Sam asked: Nicki, do you think you can sell the other two boats so we can recoup some of our money?

me: Baby, I just sold a sailboat with a broken mast and unintentional skylight.  I got this.

Come back tomorrow to read about how dreamers handle a challenge.

Dreamers re-group and re-evaluate

That's what I'm doing.

And you are going to be so annoyed with me by the vagueness of this post.  My apologies in advance.  I have a lot going on right now...hence the re-grouping and re-evaluating.

Rachel and I are no more.  How can that be, you may wonder.  She is, after all, my daughter.

Well, she is my daughter who made a series of bad decisions that have negatively impacted my life.  She has treated me like poo to be scraped off her shoe.  And worse.  And more.  Much much more.


While I would love to reveal all, I can't.  It won't help.  It will keep me angry and hurt and upset.  And quite frankly, now is not the time for me to be under a great deal of stress.  She knows this and doesn't care.  She's become unbelievably self-centered.

And she moved out...under horrible circumstances.

Quite honestly, I can't think of many more bad choices she could have made or how much larger a gap she could have created between us.  It's making the Grand Canyon seem downright tiny.

I don't know how she can ever fix things after what she said and did.  And quite frankly, right now, I don't want to.  I need time and space...to re-group and re-evaluate.  I am second guessing myself.

And then there's Keenan, who has admitted to rather liking being the only child.  He seems to be loving life.  He's happier and more outgoing with us.  And when we questioned it, he admitted he simply tried to stay out of the drama in the past.  Yes, Rachel=drama.

So, to have Keenan and Sam give me reassurances has been great.

me: Where did I go wrong?  What did I do to deserve being treated this way?

Sam: It's not you, it's her.  And hopefully, she'll grow out of it in a few years.  Until then, let her go.

For my sake, for my health...I'm doing just that.  I'm staying busy giving love to those who want my love.  I made a Red Velvet Cake for my guys last night.  They loved it.  And while I was frosting the cake with their favorite cream cheese frosting, Keenan came up behind me and gave me a hug.  He towers over me now.  Dammit.  And he's only almost 14.  In fact, Sam only has a few inches on him.

Keenan: I love you.  You are a tremendous mother.

He always knows how to make me feel better.  That's his super power.

Then there was Sam, who after stewing for hours, going to bed angry, waking up and getting angry all over again, came to me and hugged me before he left.

Sam: I love you.  You are so loved.  Never forget that.

So, that's what I cling to.  That's what I hold onto when I threaten to get sad or angry.  I am loved.  I really am a good mom.  To quote Sam, she's 17 and off the reservation.  Maybe she'll eventually come around, but she has some serious making up to do.

Until then, life moves on and I'm still a part of it.

Dreamers draw on their super powers

I am used to going from being flush to being broke.  The bulk of my memories of growing up involve my mother raising us two girls on her own after my father passed away.  Money was tight.  I learned to budget and make do at a young age.

And honestly, I think everyone should have to.

Growing up too well off, having too much can lead to a false sense of security.  It leads people to believe that they are invincible and nothing bad can happen to them.  It makes them less able to deal with reality and hardships when they occur.  Or maybe this is what I have learned from those I have seen.  Could be skewed.  I'm just saying...

All I know is that my entire life prepared me for my marriage to Sam.  We have plenty of money.  Then we are broke.  Such is the life of the contractor.  And I'm fine with it.  I'm used to it.  I don't mind it.  I actually rather thrive on the challenge.

I'm even used to Sam's dark moods when he is without work for too long.  It used to bother me.  It used to really affect me and make me sad, too.

Now...I handle it better.

Sam: I hate my life.  I want to die.

me: Okay, but before you die, could we finish this estimate?

Sam: Why not?

And then he gave me his fake smile.  And I laughed at him.  I think it kind of surprised him.  He smiled back, genuinely this time.

We started watching Two and a Half Men.  It's a good distraction.  And as good as he was to me the night before when I needed him, I was thrilled to reciprocate.  Soon we were joking and talking and planning the rest of our week.

There's something about having an unbreakable spirit that can be contagious.  And maybe mine isn't unbreakable, but it's at least remarkably resilient.  That's my super power...my super spirit.  And I try to only use it for good.

What's your super power?

When dreamers come together

I've been so busy lately that it just suddenly hit me that I was out of things to do.  Really.  I am.

I have been working so hard to complete all these tasks and all of a sudden...I'm done.  And there are no more tasks rolling in.  I have kept doing what I've always done.  I keep applying for sponsored posts here and there.  I have been working on writing quality posts on the blogs.  (At least I hope they are quality...)  And I always believe that if I just keep plugging along, good things will come my way.

Yes, that's what I choose to believe.

At the same time, I know that I have to work for all this to happen.  I never expect anything to simply fall in my lap.  It is all a product of my time and effort.

So it is good when I get a moment to catch up with someone in a similar situation...someone also trying to make self-employment dreams a reality.  Meredith and I caught up with each other via Skype.  And even though we only chatted for about 20 minutes, it gave me so much to think about.

It's good for dreamers to share ideas and put their heads together.  We are working on some projects right now, ways to build our businesses, ways to grow and support our families.  Meredith has a lot of really good ideas...for both of us.  I was kind of in a funk.  That can happen when I've spent days writing SEO articles.  They don't exactly inspire my creative juices to flow.  It's my least favorite form of writing.  Ah, but it pays some bills.  Just some.

And that's why we talked.  And that's why we are working to figure out ways to get ahead.  We have plans to grow.  I treasure our friendship.  I need to keep people like Meredith around to keep me inspired, to keep me on task.

Thanks, Meredith for helping this dreamer get in the right frame of mind.

Dreamers make the best of their alone time

With three teens in the house, we don't get a lot of alone time.  Really hardly ever.  And so when we had a magic moment of alone time on Sunday night...we decided to make the best of it.

The rest of the weekend had been mostly...meh.  There was the swollen face.  There was the stuck in traffic.  There was a losing football game.  Other than some really good Papa John's and a pork bbq sandwich.  Funny that my highlights are food related.  Or sad.

Regardless...Sunday night...after the losing game and the pizza...after we had watched enough television...we looked at each other.

Sam: You know...the kids are gone.  We should take advantage.

me: What do you have in mind?

Sam: Let's take a bath.  It will be the perfect way to relax before bed.

So we did what we do.  He ran to clean the tub.  I grabbed our towels and a bath salt.  Jennie and George had given us quite the selection at our wedding.  And this was the first time we had a chance to use them.  We've been married a month.

And soon we were in the tub.  He sat in it first, alone.  I scrubbed his back.  He loves having his back scratched.  And then I joined him.

It was lovely.

We didn't stay in long...too hot.  And I didn't completely submerge.  That wasn't the point.  It was just lovely having some sweet and romantic alone time together.

He snuggled me in bed for a bit after that.  And then he snuggled me on the couch for a while more.

Life is good.

Sometimes dreamers accomplish nothing at all

Seriously.  That's how my weekend felt.

We woke up Saturday and planned to go to the Renaissance Festival.  I mean, I've only been talking about it for weeks now.  Only we had a wrench thrown in the works.

Friday night before bed, Sam mentioned that his face felt swollen.  And he had been bit by a bug or spider or something earlier that day, so there was some concern.  We decided to see what the morning brought.

It brought more swelling.  And discomfort.

After an hour agonizing over what to do...we went to the Urgent Care.  And since we've been there twice now in the last few months, I'm beginning to feel like we should have our own mugs or something.  Maybe that's after the third visit.

Well, we waited an hour and Sam decided it wasn't that bad.  He didn't want to waste an entire day there.  In that hour, not one person was called back.  So, we left.

We stopped by the house, let out Bishop and headed to the Renaissance Festival.  We had friends we were trying to meet.  And the drive should have been around thirty minutes.  Right.

An hour and half into the drive, we called them.  Come to find out, they were six cars behind us, stuck in the same traffic.  They gave up after two hours, pulled along side us, and said their goodbyes.  We decided to tough it out.  Sam admitted that he wouldn't be eager to try again tomorrow and though we have several more weekends we could attend, this was the weekend that the tickets were buy one get one half price.  Twenty dollars adds up.  In my estimation, it's turkey leg, a pretzel, and some fudge.  I'm just saying...

Well, we finally gave up, too.  My bladder was screaming.  And my belly was crying.  And my happy-go-lucky attitude was threatening to take a nose dive.

So we went to Cookout, home of the pulled pork sandwich...and an astonishing selection of milkshakes.  I had chocolate.  Come one.  What else?

We didn't fix his face.  We didn't make it to the Ren Fest.  And other than reading a really great book in one sitting...the day was pretty much a wash.

That's okay.  It will be Monday soon enough.  And I'll have to start being productive all over again.

Dreamers find balance

This has been my constant struggle...finding a way to do it all.  I need to have a life balanced by work and play and love.  I need family time and alone time and couples time.  Yeah, just like everyone else, I want it all, baby.


Finally, I feel like we're there.  Last night was perfect.  Shoot.  Most of yesterday was perfect.

I worked out of the house all morning, taking a break to get a few items from the grocery store and...a $5 foot long.  Yum.  Bread is good.  Bread with tons of deli meat and cheese...even better.

Then I did some work for our business.  I followed that with a nap.  In Sam's lap.  He napped, too.

When we woke, it was time to get back to work.  I had bread to bake for dinner.  And I had dessert to make.  He and Keenan worked on trimming out the great room.  It's getting so...perfect in there.

Brian arrived.  It was dinner and laughter and business talk.  He managed to leave intact.  No issues with Bishop.  No falling and breaking himself or anything else.  It was practically boring.

All I know is that by the time we went to bed, I felt good.  I felt balanced.  I felt relaxed.  It's about time.

Dreamers do dinner with friends

Yes, we're at it again, folks.

We'll be having a friend over for dinner.  What makes this dinner so special, since we have people around for dinner all the time?  Oh, we're having Brian back.  You may remember the story about our all-nighter at the hospital when our guest was bitten by Bishop.

He's baaaaack!

It's always good to have friends.  And it's always good to have friends who don't hold a grudge.  Especially when these friends sometimes supply work...aka money that makes our world go round.

So, we're having dinner.  It sounds like a pasta with meat sauce.  Sam will eat it.  And I'll make bread in the bread machine.  I'll nuke some veggies.  I'll even make a super special dessert.  I think I'm trying my hand at those yummy molten chocolate lava cakes.

Of course, if I make that, I kinda need to pick up some ice cream.  I'll be getting right on that.

I'm hoping for a really relaxed and easy night.  I don't want a lot of effort to be exerted.  I'm trying to practice relaxing more and working less.  I'm trying to take better care of myself.  It's a constant battle between what I should do and what I have no choice in doing.

Ah, but dinner.  And lots of conversation.  It should prove to be a good night.  I'm looking forward to it.  All it takes is a little something to shake up my routine and I'm so much happier.

Maybe that's why our life works so well for me.  There is very little routine to it.  We constantly shake things up.  And we keep our friends close.  Close friends are good.

Different stages

We're entering into a new stage in our life.  We have both felt it and commented.

Sam: We need some friends who are going through what we are going through.

me: I know what you mean.  I was thinking that.

And that's why we were so excited to get together with some new old friends yesterday.  Sam knew the almost husband from when they were younger and partied together, hung out in the same crowds.  They hadn't really seen each other in years, but met up through one of Sam's employees.

Since we had just gotten married and they are about to get married, we had much to talk about.  Only, I haven't met the almost wife yet.  Our plans to get together weren't exactly coming to fruition.

But Saturday...a whole different story.

We're going to meet up at the Renaissance Festival.  Did you hear that?  We're definitely going to the festival and we're bonding with friends!

Of course, I'm excited.  Of course, I am looking forward to it.  And I have absolutely no reservations.  None.

I'm sure I'll get along with the almost wife.  I can get along with anyone I want to get along with.  Sam tells me I can be very charming.  Again...when I want to be.  Right now...I want to be.

So, we're finding people that we have more in common with, people to grow with, people that are going to be at the same stage in life as we are.  It has been so long.  When we first started dating, we had friends who had just started dating and some couple friends.  Now we're married, and we already have some married friends.  We're getting there.  We're growing.  We're embracing all the changes.

Dreamers make progress

We had our first Angie's list Big Deal estimate yesterday.  And our second will be today.  We have a lot of things slowly happening.  Progress is being made.

It's exciting and frustrating at the same time.

I'm ready now.  I want to get going and moving forward with the business NOW.

And I'm a little scared.  It's nearing winter.

Winter is long.  Even in the south.  And with winter comes extra bills.  We have loads of holidays coming up.  There's Thanksgiving, my favorite cooking holiday.  There's Christmas, my favorite baking holiday.  And while last year was a lean Christmas...we have hopes that this year will be better.

We used the wedding gift cards.  The great room is almost done.  And by that, I mean that we ran out of money.  We would like a new floor in there.  We need new baseboards.  It will all come together in time.

How long have I been preaching time and patience?  It seems like for always.

And I don't feel like being patient so much any more.  Time is of the essence.  In fact, I have moments where I am downright impatient.

Sam reminds me how much better we would be doing if I was making more money.  I would like to be earning more money.  I feel like I am on the cusp of it, but can't quite get there.  I have all these novels and books that I need to finish and I just can't get it done.  There are so many other things and people making demands on my time.

*sigh*

And the problem is...it isn't a matter of prioritizing.  It isn't like I am busy doing things that don't need to be done at the moment.  It's that there is only one of me.

So there is progress.  It is slow going.  It is frustrating.  It is what it is.  And I have to believe it will get batter.  Always end with hope.

I'll look at my bright side.  It's quite pretty.  And I'll hang tough and dig deep and do what I have to in order to get it all done.

There will be pictures to follow.  Just let us get the trim up.  Patience.

Dreamers plan on the fly

And it's a good thing, too.

This dreamer had her heart set on going to the Renaissance Festival this weekend.  Then we hit a snafoo.  We were in the car, all ready.  It was no small feat, since Sam hadn't had a chance to sleep in for over ten days.  And I was on the phone with his dad.

me: We're headed to the festival, but would you like to get dinner together tonight?  I'm serious.

I have to tell him that, otherwise he doesn't take me seriously.  I had suggested we get together when we were over at his house picking up ladders Thursday night.  Vicki was out of town and I hated the thought of him dining alone when he could be hanging out with us.  He had called Sam from the restaurant where he was picking up his dinner Friday night.

Dad: Was Nicki serious when she mentioned dinner?

Sam: Nicki is always serious when it comes to food.

That made me laugh.  He's right.  Food is one of the many things in life that I take very seriously.  We don't mess with my meals.

So we made plans for Saturday night.  Only then dad broke my heart.  And made me feel ridiculous.

Dad: You do know that the festival doesn't start until next weekend, right?

me: No?

I checked my ticket and sure enough...next weekend.  Dammit.  And here I was the wicked witch of the south who had hauled her exhausted husband out of bed under the premise that we were going to get turkey legs and throw battle axes.  Guess which one I had my heart set on?  Yeah, I had picked out other festival food, as well.  I had a plan.

Only I didn't count on getting my days all discombobulated.  Dadgumit.

So, Sam and I ran to complete a repair for a customer.  The roofers knocked off a piece of siding when they were working and Sam was called in by another company to fix their mistake.  Who couldn't use some good money for a fifteen minute job?

And we went to Lowe's.  Sam's holiday is, without a doubt, Halloween.  We were picking up some decorations.  We have this entire scene planned out for the front lawn.

Once we returned home, we worked on it some.  And we took a much needed nap.  Seriously.  We fell asleep all tangled up like puppies in a pile and stayed that way until the phone woke us.

We ate dinner with Dad at out house.  And we had an amazing relaxing evening.  We love our plans, but sometimes life is even better on the fly.