Dreamers push through the past

It's strange.  I read through one of T's posts the other day and it pulled up so may of the same issues I am currently struggling with.

From the moment Sam and I started dating, he had me convinced he was different from my ex-husband.  And I mostly still am convinced even if he has had a few slips.  We all have issues to work through from our past.

And here's mine...rearing its ugly head again.

Tonight is Sam's Bachelor Party.


My ex-husband didn't have a Bachelor Party.  Of course, my ex thought he was a bachelor our entire marriage.  Maybe the  bachelor party is supposed to be for them to accept that their time of dating anyone other than their wife is over.  Maybe that is the true purpose of the bachelor party.

All I know for sure is that I'm struggling to be happy about this particular rite of passage.  And Sam wants me to be happy for him.  He's really excited about the wedding.  And he's really excited about everything that goes along with it.  I've loved his participation and enthusiasm.  I'm trying to love his Bachelor Party.

And you can try to say that I am overreacting because they are merely going to Hooters with the guys for wings and ta-tas, but I'm not.  Not only do I have a long sordid history with that sorry excuse for a restaurant, but I also have a history of Sam and Ed out and alone to cope with.

Last fall, just about this time, Sam went to a Panther Pre-Season game with Lonnie and some of the guys.  I was supposed to hang out with Lindsay and have a Girl's Night, but she was bit by a spider and ended up really sick.  So, instead I had and Nicki and Bishop night.  It wasn't the same, but I was happy.  I ate some sushi.  I watched a bunch of shows.

The night grew later and I grew tenser.  And when he returned...he was wasted.  Oh, and he hadn't seen the bulk of the game.  Ed, who had gone to the game with his wife and daughter, left them to go hang out with Sam.  Guess my man is just that cool.  All I know is dumping your wife and child at a game to go bar hopping with the guy across the street is not cool.  And I was not cool with any of it.

That was my argument against guy time.

Sure, you call this one isolated incident.  It isn't.  There was the night he went to the Panther Pre-Season Football game with a now former friend.  It was guy's night.  I'm beginning to think guy's night is an excuse to be stupid, it is synonymous with Bachelor Party.  So, he ended up going to the game, where they all over drank.  And then they decided to spar.  That's not uncommon.  Oh, but that his former buddy decided to punch him in the mouth was.

Sam's tooth went through his lip.  He needed and refused stitches.  He needed and accepted antibiotics.  He needed and didn't receive pain meds.

Right about now I'm sure you are thinking that maybe it's the football that's the problem.  I doubt that.  I'm thinking alcohol and testosterone.

I'm the voice of reason.  I'm the one who keeps everything balanced and keeps him from doing stupid crazy stuff.  Without me, he just makes bad decisions.

Still, I have to let go.  I have to trust him.  I already had a man that needed me to mommy him.  If I want things to work, I can't marry another man who needs to be mommied.  And I love that he's my partner, not my child.  I love that we support each other.  I love that we're a team.

So, I let go of these incidents and I let go of the fear.  And I let him go and have a good time.  He loves me.  He wants to keep me.  And he won't dare do anything to ruin that.  He really does want to marry me and have forever with me.

I'll love him through it, just like he's loving me through my fears.  That's what we do.