Dreamers work through their fears

I think that's what I marvel about most of the time.

I've been married.  I was married for 16 years before Sam.  Ah, but that marriage was less about teamwork and more about deception and lies, struggling to hold it all together.

So to have someone that I can talk to, share everything with, do things with, is positively magical.  And I mean that in every way. 

I remember when we first became engaged and I rushed to plan a wedding.  Sam had reasons that every idea wouldn't work.  Soon I realized I was planning for a wedding that wouldn't be.  I stopped pushing.  I stopped asking.  I started thinking that maybe this would be good enough.

It was.  And it wasn't.

I have teenagers.  I didn't want them thinking that this pseudocommitment was right.  I wanted to raise a son that would man up and marry the woman he claimed he wanted to spend his life with.  I wanted to raise a daughter who wouldn't be satisfied being a milked cow.  I wanted more children with Sam that wouldn't grow up like Gene Simmon's kids...part of an unmarried family.

This wouldn't work for me.  Not long term.  Oh, but I wanted Sam forever so bad.

Then things changed.  I couldn't accept aspects of our life as it was.  I knew what I wanted.  I knew what I deserved.  I knew what I was worth.  And I refused to settle. 

He fought it.  We fought.  He moved out.  I stayed.  He came back.  We talked.  We went away.  We worked through things.  Promises were made.  Promises he kept.  And I made my share of promises, too. 

That's why we're here.  Over the last few months, he decided we should get wedding rings.  We discussed again the date...09/10/11.  We started wearing our rings.  He referred to me as his wife.  And then he asked me...

Sam: Does it really matter if we marry or not?

I took a deep breath. 

me: It matters.  I know you're afraid, but this is me.  What do you have to fear?

We talked about it.  He learned from his father's marriages.  He learned from watching those around him.  He knew that he could trust me.  He knew that we wanted the same things.  He knew that we were happy together and had a great life. 

Sam has to ease his way into these things.  Ah, but when he comes around, the results are astonishing.  He's warmer and more loving than ever.  He's kind and generous.  He's my best friend, my partner, my support, my cheering section, my biggest fan.

It hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't trade a moment of our life together.  He's promised me thirty years.  He's convinced that's as long as he'll live.  I'm selfish.  I want more.  Still, with our age difference, I shouldn't be without him for too long.