Dreamers believe in miracles

We have to.  If good and unexpected things were impossible, what would there be to dream about.?

So, here's an update.

I spent much of Thursday at the doctors' offices.  Yes, both.

At 8:15am, I had a scheduled appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor.  And it didn't go well.  There is no amniotic fluid to speak of.  It's too soon to deliver.  And we have to somehow make it a few more weeks before she has a shot at survival.

I did what all mothers do.  I had my cry, then I wiped my tears and put on my game face.  I researched our options.  I scoured the internet for answers.  I am desperate to not lose another baby.

If we do...Sam's giving up.  He doesn't want to try again.  And my heart will be broken.  Otherwise, life will continue as normal.

Then my OB/GYN called.  She wanted me to come in so we could talk.  She had spoken with the other doctor and was worried.

Thus my second visit to the doctor that day.  It was two trips uptown in one day, half an hour each direction, roughly two hours in a car.  And yet these visits have become my entire social life.  Sam said it was good that I had new friends.  I told him I was moving up in the world, since they are all doctors and nurses.  He laughed.

This second visit was serious.  We discussed our options.  Right now...there are none.  I have to make it to 24 weeks so that the baby has a chance.  And we're not sure that's going to happen.  She kept using the word 'stillbirth.'  She offered me a Doppler for use at home over the long weekend.  And she gave me her cell number.  That's never a good sign.

Ah, but I'm ready for my miracle.  I believe in the power of positive thinking.  And somehow, there will be a positive outcome.  Hope and faith.  I cling to them. 

For those of you who keep leaving such warm and loving comments on Facebook, you are very much appreciated.