Dreamers can't stay mad for long

I woke up at about 5:30am to the bedroom light being on, and Sam talking to me.  And my first instinct was to respond to his questions.  I don't even remember what they were now.  My first thought was...

me: Why is the bedroom light on?

Sam: I have to get ready.  I have to make some money.

me: Yes. That I get.  What I don't get is why the bedroom light is on.

We had just gone to bed at 1:30am.  He couldn't get tired.  A product of over thinking.  Part of me wanted to get mad.  He'd be mad at me if he was awakened a good hour before he had to get up.  He'd huff and he'd puff.  Me, I just laid there and stared at the ceiling.

Sam: I'm ready now.  Want the light off?

me: Nope.  It's too late now.

So, I woke up.  I started to get ready.  I made breakfast with Keenan.  We ate and watched our show.  But I couldn't stop thinking about how my life has changed.  I can barely get mad at Sam, let alone stay mad at Sam. 

And maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a dreamer.  Maybe instead it has to do with how much I love him.  Because I do love him so very much.  Very very very much.

And I don't know if I can adequately express how much I love him, but I'll try.  It's such a new and different experience for me.  Really.

In my first marriage, I would get so upset that I would just stay mad.  And I wrapped myself in all that hurt and disappointment to protect my heart.  And I never allowed myself to love.  Oh, I loved my children.  I gave them everything.  So, we ended up divorcing and I married Sam.

Then there's how life is with Sam.  It's not perfect, but we always work through everything.  And a big part of it is that I can't stay mad at him.  And he hates when I'm mad at him to begin with.

We want to be happy.  And we want to work through things.  And we want this life we're building together.

I think I can't stay mad at him because of the love.  And I try not to be mad at all because I don't want an angry tense baby.  And I honestly simply don't have it in me to get upset with him like I used to with the ex.  It has to be the love.  There is no other explanation.

To say I'm analytical would be a gross understatement.  To say I'm introspective would be another.  So I have examined and analyzed this to death.  In the end, all I came up with was how much I love him.  Sometimes I worry that if he truly understood how much, it would scare him.  That much love comes with a whole lot of responsibility.  Then there was last night.  He rubbed my belly and told the baby how much he loves it.  And then he looked me in the eye.

Sam: I love the baby's vessel, too.  I really do.  And I just want to make the home of your dreams.

He worries about that, about giving me the best, making sure I know I'm loved.

me: Know what my dream home is?

Sam: What?

me: Anywhere with you.

We have issues.  We have stress.  We love each other through it.  That's the best anyone can do.