Dreamers hold tight to hope

It's the night before Christmas.  We were supposed to be at Mawmaw's, but we can't go.  I need to be laying down on my left side all the time.  And the doctor said that if I couldn't just lay on the couch during the gathering, I should stay home.

Sam and I talked about it after I called his father to explain.  I didn't explain very well.  I didn't go into any detail because it all hurts too much.  Ah, but he got the jist of it.  We weren't coming.  He asked Sam if he was coming at least.  And Sam refused.

He won't leave me.

And this is one of the many reasons I love this man.  He knows he has to leave me to go to work.  He knows that he has to leave me to run errands that will keep us in groceries.  But he won't leave me alone on Christmas Eve.

I'm keeping busy, even on bed rest.  It's different from when I was pregnant with Rachel, but of course there were no laptops then.  And I think I pretty much just laid around and watched television.  Sam asked how things were different this time from the other pregnancies.

me: With Rachel, she was always safe.  With Keenan, the minute he was in distress I had an emergency c-section.  This time. it's different.

Sam: You're going to be fine.  I won't let you die.

Somehow I keep forgetting that the doctor is worried about me, too.  I feel fine...for the most part.  I know they keep checking my labs for signs that the pre-eclampsia is taking hold.  The doctor was worried about my blood pressure.  We are now calling my readings perfectly acceptable, since they are higher than normal, but still reasonably good.

She quizzed me on all the signs I need to be watching for.  She knows I know the signs of problems with the eclampsia.  And she quizzed me for signs that there were problems with the baby, too.  And sometimes, I wish I wasn't so smart.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

It takes so much more to be calm and happy and hopeful and confident when I know what's going on.  Still, I like to be informed and I wouldn't want it any other way.

But I'm doing my best to stay busy.  I'm doing my best to  stay happy.  I believe in the power of positive thinking.  I'll be thinking tonight of this book that my grandmother had.  I used to read it when I'd spend the night at her apartment.  The title escapes me.  And I'm not sure what happened to it after she and my grandfather passed away.  The entire book takes place on Christmas Eve and it tells the story of a number of people who are all lost and struggling in their own way.  There are Christmas miracles afoot and soon their worlds are all righted.  I just remember one line from it....and on that night, lost things are found again.

So on this night and all nights, I try to remember that anything is possible, miracles do happen, and not to lose hope.  Enjoy your families, feel the love, and never for one moment fail to appreciate the good all around you.  There are blessings everywhere.  Sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see them than others.