Dreamers cope with their neurosis

That's where I was at yesterday.

Some days are better than others.  And from the moment I woke on Wednesday, with no doctor appointment to attend, no Doppler to soothe my nerves, and the constant concern that the little one wasn't moving enough, I had trouble dragging myself out of bed.  I knew it was going to be a rough day.

I didn't feel like I was getting enough TLC or understanding from Sam.  It's not the same for him.  He looks at me and thinks that just because I'm okay, she's okay.  And that's not always the case.  I was doing just fine when we discovered that she was virtually out of amniotic fluid.

Sam: What's wrong?

It took me a bit to figure out what was truly bothering me.  I think part of it stems from the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness.  I had just about decided that I could handle this because all I needed to do was last one more week.  I had a plan in place.  And then the doctor I saw Tuesday, not my doctor, explained that because of the amniotic fluid issue, there might not be any lungs to work with.

And here we are getting the crib.  What if we get it and she doesn't live to use it?  What if I have to find a crib a new home and the clothes and odds and ends we have accumulated so far?  What if we never have a baby to fill that room?  Sam said he couldn't go through this again.  He didn't want to risk it...his heart, my life.  And I get it, but it makes me feel all the more desperate for a positive outcome this time.

And I tried to explain all of that to him.  He didn't hear me.  He doesn't want to consider the possibility that Kenna might not make it.  And while I don't either, I like to be prepared.  I like to know what I'm in for so I know what to fight for.

I want them to take heroic and extraordinary measures.  It's not because I want to give birth to some modern medical miracle.  It's because I want to have my little miracle, our daughter.  It's because I don't want to suffer any more loss.  It's because I don't know how much more I can take.

So, I'm not my sunny little self today.  And I'm not sure how the doctor appointment today will go.  And I'm hoping we make it another week.  And I'm hoping I find out there's hope.  All I need is a little something to cling to and carry me through.  Think of us please...