Dreamers bask in the happy

I haven't been my usually happy positive self the past week.  Technically, I guess it's kind of justified.  I mean, Sam and I lost a baby last year the day before Thanksgiving.  We thought we were out of the woods this pregnancy. 

We made some changes this time around.  I have been getting shots every week for the last five weeks to prevent pre-term labor.  I've been seeing not one, but two doctors regularly.  I took all my vitamins.  I ate right.  I did everything I was supposed to.  And I managed to get pre-eclampsia anyway.

The pre-eclampsia has severely impacted the pregnancy.  Our little girl, who was measuring five days bigger than she should have a month ago, has since stopped growing.  The placenta isn't supplying enough nutrients...blame to pre-eclampsia.  Oh, and because of the placental issues, she stopped making amniotic fluid.  And that has made her entire survival something of a crap shoot.  At first, the doctor had no hope. 

Ah, but I did what I do.  I kept researching.  I kept exploring my options.  I had to understand everything.  Sam handles things a bit differently.  And between the two of us and the way we attack approach life together, we have made it through the first week of bed rest, the most hopeless time I've known. 

In fact, today, we're 23 weeks. 

It hasn't been smooth sailing.  After the bad news Thursday, I was back at the doctor on Friday.  I was given a Doppler to use over the holiday weekend.  And then I was back at the doctor on Tuesday, again on Thursday.  Oh, and I spent three hours in the hospital Wednesday evening making sure that the epigastric pain wasn't a sign my condition had taken a turn for the worse. 

So, yesterday...I finally had a good appointment.  Finally.

I know I had my hopes for what would happen.  I had done the research.  I had hoped that after the appointment next Thursday, I'd find out that we could start betamethasone shots to mature the baby's lungs and then deliver in the coming days. 

On the one hand, I want her to stay in as long as it is safe.  On the other, I am so ready for this to be over with.  I hate feeling sick and weak.  And more than anything, I want her being cared for by doctors and nurses, closely mointored.  I want to see her and touch her and know she's safe.  I'll do whatever it takes.  I'll do whatever they ask.

And the doctor confirmed that was the plan.  There will be two doctor appointments on Thursday.  Then one more on Friday to get the second betamethasone shot.  Depending on how things are going, I'll be on bed rest until she's delivered, or I could be hospitalized. 

We have a plan to make sure that they can do a c-section.  In case the pre-eclampsia is affecting my clotting ability, we are preparing for me to receive clotting factor and transfusions. 

Did you hear that?

That, my friends, is hope.  We have high hopes about everyone surviving.  I should be fine.  And most importantly, our baby should be fine.  I have no illusions that the next few months to a year are going to be easy.  On the contrary.  They will be incredibly challenging.  Oh, but we can survive anything together. 

That's what I love about being married to Sam, being in love with Sam, sharing my life with him.  We are a team.  We work through everything together.  We can do this.  Together.

And thank all of you for the love and support during this challenging time.  It has definitely helped me keep my hopes up.  Attitude is everything in these moments.